Well, well...writing some kind of book review...that's a total first for me. Maybe it won't even be a review, more like a gathering of my thoughts about a book that had me intrigued from the minute I heard about it, that has been a must-read for most of my friends lately (and also a lot of women around the world apparently) and that has kept me reading the last day and a half no matter what happened around me (and so I am already 2/3 finished with the first book of the trilogy).
50 Shades of Grey...what is there to say about it? It's weird, it's sooo far out of my ordinary, it's about a topic that has me fascinated, speechless and leaves me with a weird feeling in my stomach, well, maybe even more than one feeling. At times I am intrigued, at times I am appalled, shocked and then sometimes I have this warm and fuzzy feeling when something unexpected happens, when the main character behaves like a normal human being, putting aside his strange manners and learns that there is more in a relationship than force and whips and restraints. I guess it wouldn't be as bad as it is if this was purely fiction. I mean, yes, this story is purely fiction, while the topic it is about is not. BDSM is something no one really talks about, it is something dark and dirty for most people. No one would probably openly admit they do it or like it or are actually turned on by it. I would, and hereby do. It has me intrigued to a point were I would actually want to try it, only for a day or so, but still.
It is weird, yes. But it is also quite fascinating. Why would people actually enter a BDSM relationship, why would someone want to be a Dominant, or even more so be a Submissive. What has to happen in the life of a regular human being to make him or her into someone who can only enjoy sex if it is on his/her terms, if it includes tying someone else up, forcing them to do everything they want, exercising power over them. How does someone become a Submissive, letting people decide for them, willingly doing whatever is asked of them. Is everyone born with the tendency to become one or the other or does it stem from our education and the way we are treated by our parents and surroundings.
I have always been someone who can openly talk about sex, I don't usually chicken out of a discussion about it. If I know the other person enough to trust them I will openly talk about it. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, it's a normal thing most grown-ups do regularly. I admit that BDSM is a special kind of it, one that is out of the ordinary, something that is probably not done on a regular basis. It is however, at least for me, a very fascinating kind of sex.
This book, along with other stories I have read that are about similar things, is the weirdest thing I have read in a while, yet it is one of the only books that has me glued to it's pages, no matter what happens, no matter if my kids empty sand out of their box on the lawn, destroy everything in the backyard or fight over toys. Nothing will keep me away from reading and I am utterly frustrated if I have to put it down to eat or to go to work, sleep or keep my kids from killing each other (or blog for that matter).
I suggest you read it, let it fascinate you, enter the strange world of Mr. Grey and let him change your view of something normal, ordinary or even dull (if that's how your sex life is at times). And I also suggest you bring a set of strong nerves because it can be overwhelming at times, especially if you keep in mind that, while Mr. Grey and Ana are fictional, the topic is not.
Please let me know what you think about it, I am intrigued. And feel free to imagine Mr. Grey to be anyone you like, for me I have someone in my mind that had me intrigued and fascinated even before I read the books and that I could imagine being a lot like Grey in real life...and that makes reading it even more realistic.
Irene
Dienstag, 19. Juni 2012
Mittwoch, 16. Mai 2012
Over-Thinking
I have a serious problem that almost every day gets me into trouble of some kind: I tend to over-think everything, things I did, situations, things someone said, things that happened...I always try to find reasons or solutions. When I read something I think about it a lot if it catches my attention. Some nights I lie in bed, trying to sleep but my brain won't shut up no matter what.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about life, past, present and future, mostly my past because some things from it are giving me a hard time right now. As I have mentioned before I was sick a while ago, I had to have two small surgeries and more than once a doctor said the words "cancer" and "possible" and I even heard "hysterectomy" (which means surgery to remove the uterus - fortunately I was spared from that one). All of that plus some things that I had buried deep inside my mind and that found their way out eventually led to a light case of depression. Light, but still enough to affect my daily life and my family so i went to get help.
Now the worst thing when you are depressed and having a bad day is...thinking about it. Which, more often then not, is making it even worse. You get caught up in a circle of thinking about they why's and what if's and even if you know that you could get out of it you don't know how or have not power to do it. Those days I usually try to avoid being online. I seem to not be able to stand either others being happy or others being as sad as I am or worse.
During the last few months I have noticed something else being online, maybe it is just the people around me but I doubt it. More and more people are not feeling happy, regularly, even on a daily basis. I know so many people who have experienced Depression or feel they are close to a Burn Out. Not only people who work but also Mom's I know, who are exhausted with taking care of the kids, household, daily chores and more and mostly Mom's who also work part-time besides doing household things. I mean this is probably not different than it was when I was a kid but nowadays with all the social networking, Twitter, Tumblr or Blogs you hear about it more and more. People feel safe talking about it semi-anonymous on the internet (like me). Maybe to get it out of their heads or to seek help from they online friends, maybe because if you online know someone online it is easier to open up to them. I read somewhere that by 2020 Depresson will be the second most common health problem worldwide...scary, huh?!
What surprised me (and scared me at the same time) is how many young people are affected. Especially on Tumblr, where you can "hide" behind a screenname, post anonymously and don't need to tell anyone who you are and where you are from, people post pictures, quotes, gifs and stories that are sometimes serioulsy messed up. Pictures of self-harm, stories about how they are the victim of mobbing in school, quotes saying something along the lines of "just disappearing and wondering if anyone notices". In between posting of concerned people posting the phone numbers of suicides hotlines or newspaper clippings of kids who commited suicide, kids that are sometimes not older than 14 or 15.
Seriously, has that become more since I was 14 or 15 or is it the same, just more commonly known and "into our faces" because of above mentioned social networks? I mean I wasn't the happiest kid in school, I wasn't popular, I didn't wear designer clothes, my parents were not rich (even though I went to the "rich kids" school because we lived on the edge of the school district), I was a nerd, always running around reading books and listening to music on my walkman and I was slightly overweight. I didn't have a lot of friends and my best friend didn't even go to my school, so I was all alone during the (school) day. I mostly kept to myself, I was bullied sometimes but I stood up for myself if necessary. I didn't pick fights but I also didn't avoid them if someone said something mean. I know I heard that bullying/mobbing has become more severe in schools but is so bad that kids actually think about hurting/killing themselves? No matter how bad it was, that thought seriously never crossed my mind when I was a teen. Going through that phase of my life wasn't easy, I am sure I cried myself to sleep a few times (but I don't remember it vividly so i guess it wasn't traumatizing) but I got over it. I became a stronger person. Yes, I envied those kids with rich parents, who always got what they wanted and were popular even though they didn't do anything except walk around in designer clothes. Most of them weren't even nice people, they were mostly arrogant and didn't care about anyone then themselves. Still everyone wanted to be friends with them. I wonder what happened to them, did they succeed in life? Did they ever have to struggle in their work life? Or did it all come easy to them, like it did in school.
As I said, I know from experience, that being "un"popular during High School can be tough, but did it become "tougher" over the last 15 years or did the teens just become more whiny and pampered by their parents? Do we tend to keep our kids away too much from the struggles so they don't know how it feels? I hope I will find a good middle when I raise my kids...not too strict and hard, so they don't end up bullying others but also not to soft, so others will be able to hurt them.
Well, these are my two cents about the whole thing!
Irene
Lately I have been thinking a lot about life, past, present and future, mostly my past because some things from it are giving me a hard time right now. As I have mentioned before I was sick a while ago, I had to have two small surgeries and more than once a doctor said the words "cancer" and "possible" and I even heard "hysterectomy" (which means surgery to remove the uterus - fortunately I was spared from that one). All of that plus some things that I had buried deep inside my mind and that found their way out eventually led to a light case of depression. Light, but still enough to affect my daily life and my family so i went to get help.
Now the worst thing when you are depressed and having a bad day is...thinking about it. Which, more often then not, is making it even worse. You get caught up in a circle of thinking about they why's and what if's and even if you know that you could get out of it you don't know how or have not power to do it. Those days I usually try to avoid being online. I seem to not be able to stand either others being happy or others being as sad as I am or worse.
During the last few months I have noticed something else being online, maybe it is just the people around me but I doubt it. More and more people are not feeling happy, regularly, even on a daily basis. I know so many people who have experienced Depression or feel they are close to a Burn Out. Not only people who work but also Mom's I know, who are exhausted with taking care of the kids, household, daily chores and more and mostly Mom's who also work part-time besides doing household things. I mean this is probably not different than it was when I was a kid but nowadays with all the social networking, Twitter, Tumblr or Blogs you hear about it more and more. People feel safe talking about it semi-anonymous on the internet (like me). Maybe to get it out of their heads or to seek help from they online friends, maybe because if you online know someone online it is easier to open up to them. I read somewhere that by 2020 Depresson will be the second most common health problem worldwide...scary, huh?!
What surprised me (and scared me at the same time) is how many young people are affected. Especially on Tumblr, where you can "hide" behind a screenname, post anonymously and don't need to tell anyone who you are and where you are from, people post pictures, quotes, gifs and stories that are sometimes serioulsy messed up. Pictures of self-harm, stories about how they are the victim of mobbing in school, quotes saying something along the lines of "just disappearing and wondering if anyone notices". In between posting of concerned people posting the phone numbers of suicides hotlines or newspaper clippings of kids who commited suicide, kids that are sometimes not older than 14 or 15.
Seriously, has that become more since I was 14 or 15 or is it the same, just more commonly known and "into our faces" because of above mentioned social networks? I mean I wasn't the happiest kid in school, I wasn't popular, I didn't wear designer clothes, my parents were not rich (even though I went to the "rich kids" school because we lived on the edge of the school district), I was a nerd, always running around reading books and listening to music on my walkman and I was slightly overweight. I didn't have a lot of friends and my best friend didn't even go to my school, so I was all alone during the (school) day. I mostly kept to myself, I was bullied sometimes but I stood up for myself if necessary. I didn't pick fights but I also didn't avoid them if someone said something mean. I know I heard that bullying/mobbing has become more severe in schools but is so bad that kids actually think about hurting/killing themselves? No matter how bad it was, that thought seriously never crossed my mind when I was a teen. Going through that phase of my life wasn't easy, I am sure I cried myself to sleep a few times (but I don't remember it vividly so i guess it wasn't traumatizing) but I got over it. I became a stronger person. Yes, I envied those kids with rich parents, who always got what they wanted and were popular even though they didn't do anything except walk around in designer clothes. Most of them weren't even nice people, they were mostly arrogant and didn't care about anyone then themselves. Still everyone wanted to be friends with them. I wonder what happened to them, did they succeed in life? Did they ever have to struggle in their work life? Or did it all come easy to them, like it did in school.
As I said, I know from experience, that being "un"popular during High School can be tough, but did it become "tougher" over the last 15 years or did the teens just become more whiny and pampered by their parents? Do we tend to keep our kids away too much from the struggles so they don't know how it feels? I hope I will find a good middle when I raise my kids...not too strict and hard, so they don't end up bullying others but also not to soft, so others will be able to hurt them.
Well, these are my two cents about the whole thing!
Irene
Donnerstag, 10. Mai 2012
Keeper
I am a Keeper, meaning that I am a Person who likes to keep things from all kinds of trips or things I do. I wouldn't go as far as saying I hoard, but I hate to throw things away, it makes my sad and I have a hard time doing it. I keep ticket stubs and postcards, booklets, street maps and a lot more. My hubby doesn't really like it and if I wouldn't snatch them before he gets to them I would probably find them in the trash or the stack of papers who are going into recycling. I have a box full of things from my past, a box full of letters, one with old journals and diaries, one with Photos and one from various vacation trips. I have a few Albums full of pictures, ticket stubs and booklets from the first trips with my parents to the USA and my first vacation alone without parents.
What I somehow rejected was keeping track of the old music I used to listen too. I think because of YouTube and MP3 and being able to download anything and everything, I have so many CD's but I haven't listened to actual CD's for a while. A few days ago I heard a livestream from a band I really liked a few years back (and still like) and it brought back memories, so I dug out my boxes with old things and sat down, listening to the old songs and going through my old stuff. I found old diaries and pictures and Posters that used to hang on my walls. The oldest one was from my first Open Air Show...I saw Guns n' Roses live when I was 14 and I have a poster I peeled off a wall on my way home and it hung over my bed during my teen years. I also found two Nirvana Posters.Still looking for the huge picture of Axl Rose I had.
A nice trip down Memory Lane though and I think I have to do that more often!
Irene
What I somehow rejected was keeping track of the old music I used to listen too. I think because of YouTube and MP3 and being able to download anything and everything, I have so many CD's but I haven't listened to actual CD's for a while. A few days ago I heard a livestream from a band I really liked a few years back (and still like) and it brought back memories, so I dug out my boxes with old things and sat down, listening to the old songs and going through my old stuff. I found old diaries and pictures and Posters that used to hang on my walls. The oldest one was from my first Open Air Show...I saw Guns n' Roses live when I was 14 and I have a poster I peeled off a wall on my way home and it hung over my bed during my teen years. I also found two Nirvana Posters.Still looking for the huge picture of Axl Rose I had.
A nice trip down Memory Lane though and I think I have to do that more often!
Irene
Mittwoch, 18. April 2012
Baggage
In the last few months I have come to realize, that I obviously carry around a lot of emotional baggage, most of it pretty much buried deep inside of me but unfortunately some choices I (conciously, without knowing it would affect me) made in my life and things that happened because of that made those feelings surface and now I have to deal with it. Why this happened and why now and why it is affecting me so much is yet to be found out, I will see someone to help me dig a little deeper to find out. Maybe it has something to do with being really sick for a while and not getting better as fast as I expected and wanted or maybe I am just overwhelmed with all the changes that came with going back to work part-time, maybe I just tried to be stronger than I mentally and physically was a little too hard so my family wouldn't be affected by me not being able to give 100%.
I have been thinking a lot about my past and the present and also about the future. There are a few things I did in my past that I am not really proud of, but I think everyone has those in their life, some choices I made were not the best and yet I ended up with a loving husband, two kids, enough money, a nice house to live in and a good job. I just have to deal with accepting the bad choices as a part of my past that is over and is not affecting my present and future. I have to accept that I am now a different person and that people like me, no matter what I did in my past (mostly before they even knew me). It's just me not getting over a stupid phase in my life.
I know the chances of me falling back into the habits I had during my teens and in my twenties are close to zero, I won't go back to partying all weekend and sleeping through days when I was supposed to work. But somehow the fear of that happening against all odds (and it affecting my family) is in my head and keeping me from having even the tiniest bit of (harmless) fun. And I need to deal with that or I won't be able to go out with friends anymore without having anxiety attacks.
The first step I took was getting rid of some of my old clothes, stuff that don't fit me anymore after gaining a few pounds during the pregnancies or things that I won't wear again anyways because they are not my style anymore (and things I can't believe I really EVER did wear, they looked so damn ridiculous). I managed to sort out a whole bag full of stuff and now I feel a bit better.
Irene
I have been thinking a lot about my past and the present and also about the future. There are a few things I did in my past that I am not really proud of, but I think everyone has those in their life, some choices I made were not the best and yet I ended up with a loving husband, two kids, enough money, a nice house to live in and a good job. I just have to deal with accepting the bad choices as a part of my past that is over and is not affecting my present and future. I have to accept that I am now a different person and that people like me, no matter what I did in my past (mostly before they even knew me). It's just me not getting over a stupid phase in my life.
I know the chances of me falling back into the habits I had during my teens and in my twenties are close to zero, I won't go back to partying all weekend and sleeping through days when I was supposed to work. But somehow the fear of that happening against all odds (and it affecting my family) is in my head and keeping me from having even the tiniest bit of (harmless) fun. And I need to deal with that or I won't be able to go out with friends anymore without having anxiety attacks.
The first step I took was getting rid of some of my old clothes, stuff that don't fit me anymore after gaining a few pounds during the pregnancies or things that I won't wear again anyways because they are not my style anymore (and things I can't believe I really EVER did wear, they looked so damn ridiculous). I managed to sort out a whole bag full of stuff and now I feel a bit better.
Irene
Mittwoch, 11. April 2012
Easter
Well, this year we had a pretty different Easter. Usually we spend it in South Tyrol with my parents, but this year my parents had planned something different and we didn't really have the time to go, so we spent it at home without the kids. My parents had offered to babysit them for a week during their Easter vacation and it kind of only worked out the week before Easter and over the Easter weekend. So before leaving them at my parents we spent some days with them in a Family Park (Center Parks), where we rented a small house, completely with our own Sauna the weekend before Easter. We spent a lot of time in the huge Pool Area, went to playgrounds, cooked together, let them watch a lot of TV and spoiled them with Candy before we drove up to my parents to drop them off. We had planned to spend the week without them in a nice Wellness Hotel or maybe take a Last Minute flight to some nice destination, but unfortunately I wasn't feeling well so we had to go back home so I could see a doctor and in the end just stayed home for the week. Hubby spend a lot of time working in our backyard, fixing his motorbike to get it ready for the summer, got my car through the necessary inspection, went out for breakfast a few times and went downtown to stroll around and go shopping without a hurry and without the kids in tow. I spend most of the time on the couch, watching TV, relaxing and actually managed to read a whole book (which hasn't happened in a long time). We went out to a Car Show with a friend on Easter Sunday and walked around checking out lots of pimped out Cars and guys showing off.their rides. It was nice to have some time for ourselves, no kids around, no one who always wants or needs your attention, staying in bed past 8 am and no one who wakes you up because they jump on your bed.
We picked them up today from my parents and now we are back to normal. They had a great time at the grandparents and I hope we can repeat this anytime soon, it was so nice to relax.
Irene
We picked them up today from my parents and now we are back to normal. They had a great time at the grandparents and I hope we can repeat this anytime soon, it was so nice to relax.
Irene
Dienstag, 28. Februar 2012
Friendship
I've had a few very close friendships, some long lasting and some rather short. All of them have been different and I've learned a lot of things from them. I've lost friends and I have found friends and I have lost friends and then found them again. I know every friendship is different, I know people are different and while with some people you hit it off right away and be friends forever, you sometimes meet people and think they are someone you could be friends with and then something happens and you question everything. Or you dislike each other first and then become best friends. I have also learned that you can become friends with people on the internet, you can meet people online and hit it off right away even in real life, or you meet people online and in real life you don't get along. Everything is possible. I hate it when friendships end, I don't like losing people I care about and what I hate even more is people acting all weird and I don't even know why.
I believe that you always have to take the people you meet the way they are, everyone has weird habits, sometimes you meet people who lead a totally different lifestyle than you and while you have some things in common you might find a few things that you would do differently. To make it work between friends you will need patience, you need to understand each other and you need to take into account that everyone is different.
I met a girl, lets call her P, we hit it off right away and got along great, I really liked her because she was so energetic, she always babbled and smiled and cheered me up when I was in a bad mood. When I won a concert ticket for France she didn't think twice to buy one for herself and come with me, she convinced me to come to Vienna for that great party and it was one of the best nights in my life, we talked on the phone almost every week and she also spent New Years at my house. I thought I had found a good friend in her. It didn't matter that she was single with no kids, leading a totally different lifestyle. We had our love for 30 Seconds to Mars in common and we also were friends with some other girls from our group. While she also became good friends with others I did the same thing, which is normal and shouldn't be a problem, I would think, I mean I am not supposed to be exclusively her friend.
The last two months were not so easy for her, she had problems with her job and was complaining about it, wanting to find a better one and when I stumbled upon a job ad online I send it to her, I even asked my boss if she could apply at our company. At some point she had started volunteering to work for a Street Team, doing promotional work for Parties and was really involved in it, so the constant phone calls grew fewer. I didn't mind that at all, I don't always feel like talking on the phone after a busy day, sometimes I don't have the time because the kids refuse to go to bed, sometimes I just want to spent time with my hubby. What kind of bothered me was that when I asked her if she had applied at the job I found she said no, she hadn't found the time, yet she was online until late, even after midnight, chatting. Not that it is any of my business how she spends her time, it just struck me as weird that she was constantly complaining about being mobbed at work, but she was so busy with whatever that she didn't look for anything else. But as I said, different people, different lifestyles. I did tease her a bit and told her she should better find something new instead of spending her nights chatting online. I do care about her and wanted her to be happy. I also noticed she was a bit carefree with her money, throwing it around without really having it and always complaining she was broke. Which led to the point where she couldn't come to my see me for my birthday party, because she couldn't afford the train ticket. I was sad and tried to arrange it that I would pick her up (it's about a 1 1/2 hour drive one way), so she only had to pay one way to go back. But even that wasn't manageable, so she didn't come. But again, it wasn't my business and I tried to take her the way she was because aside from the weird habits, I really liked her.
Things started to become weird when I became friends with another girl, we got along good because at some point we found out that we have something in common, we both like to write fictional stories, so we would talk online about the stories. She wanted to read mine and so I sent her bits and pieces and told her how much I like hers, while she gave me feedback about mine. About three weeks ago P told me she was a bit jealous that I hadn't asked her if she also wanted to read my story, so I sent it to her, waiting for feedback, which never came. It struck me as odd, but I guessed she was busy. I was also busy at work and hubby was gone for a few days which meant I had the kids all for myself, so P and I didn't really talk on the phone and just randomly send each other messages on FB and Twitter. Nothing that really bothered me, I don't have to be in constant contact with my friends on a daily basis. My best friend lives in Chicago and we barely talk, sometimes we even forget each others birthdays. I miss her dearly but I know we will always be friends, even if we only talk twice a year.
However at some point I send P a message telling her that we hadn't talked in a while and that it made me sad. Her answer was short "yep, dito"...I sensed that she was mad and asked if I did something wrong, telling her sorry, that I had been busy and also sick with the flu. Her answer was something along the lines that even with being busy and sick I still am actively "talking" on Twitter to anyone but her. Now I knew she was pissed but I had no idea why and thought ignoring it would be the best, she would eventuelly calm down. A few days later she openly posted something on her FB-Wall, not saying my name but stating that she was annoyed by "some people" who never bother to call, yet smalltalk with everyone on Twitter while telling her excuses why they are busy. I vented about it to my other friend, telling her I knew P was jealous because we got along so great, also telling her that she had asked to read my story (actually she had put it kind of like "I am sooo jealous that you gave it to her, I feel sooo left out, you are soo mean" on the phone, making me fell bad for not asking her). The story is something I have put a lot of work into and care about a lot, and then she NEVER bothered to ever read past the first page (P told me) and never gave me any feedback. A few more things were also involved in making me mad at her, the fact that she told me she was too broke to come see me, but bought a train ticket to Hamburg a few days later, to meet other Fans there, which basically means that she lied to me about her being broke. Telling me that she can see me on twitter, never bothering to say hi but then complaining when I tweet others. That I never bother to reply to her "group" messages (she sends "Good morning" tweets to everyone, something I really DO NOT have the time for with two kids in the morning)
I gave it a few days, also taking the advice from hubby and my friend to wait if she would call or send a message directly to me and then wrote her a long message, explaining my point of view, telling her I was really sick (had a migraine that lasted a few days) and that I am busy, telling her that she still means a lot to me even though I don't have the time to call. I will gladly chat/skype/talk on twitter, because that is something I can do while helping my kids clean up, while making dinner or when they take a bath. I however can not chat on the phone because I know my kids will destroy the house if the know I am distracted. She didn't care and wouldn't accept my apologies. I told her that, if we still want to be friends, we would have to accept each other the way we are.
I do believe in honesty, sometimes even to the point were I have lost friends for being too honest. I don't believe in faking things or lying. I can cope with a lot of things and will put up with shit to a point were it is not even funny anymore. I will never argue about random things or make a fuss about something not important, like how often my friend talks to others or them not calling me even if I know they could. Those are things that for me are not important enough to argue about. I do however think that you have to honestly say what bothers you if it really makes you unhappy. So I did. I told her that, in order to stay friends, I would probably have to accept that she rather spends her money on other things than seeing me, but she would have to accept that I do not have the time to constantly call her or talk on the phone with her because I have two kids. And that I still like her a lot even if we only talk on the phone once a month and the rest of the time is spent talking on FB or Twitter. It works with all my other friends.
I got a message back from her in which she said she would start talking to me again "as soon as I check back into reality because what I ask of her is incredibly ridiculous"...which is something that probably brought it to a point past which I still want to be friends with her. I am just sad because I miss her and I would have never expected her to behave like that. I know she is just jealous, but I don't know why, It kind of feels like she thought she was the only one allowed to own me as a friend.
Irene
I believe that you always have to take the people you meet the way they are, everyone has weird habits, sometimes you meet people who lead a totally different lifestyle than you and while you have some things in common you might find a few things that you would do differently. To make it work between friends you will need patience, you need to understand each other and you need to take into account that everyone is different.
I met a girl, lets call her P, we hit it off right away and got along great, I really liked her because she was so energetic, she always babbled and smiled and cheered me up when I was in a bad mood. When I won a concert ticket for France she didn't think twice to buy one for herself and come with me, she convinced me to come to Vienna for that great party and it was one of the best nights in my life, we talked on the phone almost every week and she also spent New Years at my house. I thought I had found a good friend in her. It didn't matter that she was single with no kids, leading a totally different lifestyle. We had our love for 30 Seconds to Mars in common and we also were friends with some other girls from our group. While she also became good friends with others I did the same thing, which is normal and shouldn't be a problem, I would think, I mean I am not supposed to be exclusively her friend.
The last two months were not so easy for her, she had problems with her job and was complaining about it, wanting to find a better one and when I stumbled upon a job ad online I send it to her, I even asked my boss if she could apply at our company. At some point she had started volunteering to work for a Street Team, doing promotional work for Parties and was really involved in it, so the constant phone calls grew fewer. I didn't mind that at all, I don't always feel like talking on the phone after a busy day, sometimes I don't have the time because the kids refuse to go to bed, sometimes I just want to spent time with my hubby. What kind of bothered me was that when I asked her if she had applied at the job I found she said no, she hadn't found the time, yet she was online until late, even after midnight, chatting. Not that it is any of my business how she spends her time, it just struck me as weird that she was constantly complaining about being mobbed at work, but she was so busy with whatever that she didn't look for anything else. But as I said, different people, different lifestyles. I did tease her a bit and told her she should better find something new instead of spending her nights chatting online. I do care about her and wanted her to be happy. I also noticed she was a bit carefree with her money, throwing it around without really having it and always complaining she was broke. Which led to the point where she couldn't come to my see me for my birthday party, because she couldn't afford the train ticket. I was sad and tried to arrange it that I would pick her up (it's about a 1 1/2 hour drive one way), so she only had to pay one way to go back. But even that wasn't manageable, so she didn't come. But again, it wasn't my business and I tried to take her the way she was because aside from the weird habits, I really liked her.
Things started to become weird when I became friends with another girl, we got along good because at some point we found out that we have something in common, we both like to write fictional stories, so we would talk online about the stories. She wanted to read mine and so I sent her bits and pieces and told her how much I like hers, while she gave me feedback about mine. About three weeks ago P told me she was a bit jealous that I hadn't asked her if she also wanted to read my story, so I sent it to her, waiting for feedback, which never came. It struck me as odd, but I guessed she was busy. I was also busy at work and hubby was gone for a few days which meant I had the kids all for myself, so P and I didn't really talk on the phone and just randomly send each other messages on FB and Twitter. Nothing that really bothered me, I don't have to be in constant contact with my friends on a daily basis. My best friend lives in Chicago and we barely talk, sometimes we even forget each others birthdays. I miss her dearly but I know we will always be friends, even if we only talk twice a year.
However at some point I send P a message telling her that we hadn't talked in a while and that it made me sad. Her answer was short "yep, dito"...I sensed that she was mad and asked if I did something wrong, telling her sorry, that I had been busy and also sick with the flu. Her answer was something along the lines that even with being busy and sick I still am actively "talking" on Twitter to anyone but her. Now I knew she was pissed but I had no idea why and thought ignoring it would be the best, she would eventuelly calm down. A few days later she openly posted something on her FB-Wall, not saying my name but stating that she was annoyed by "some people" who never bother to call, yet smalltalk with everyone on Twitter while telling her excuses why they are busy. I vented about it to my other friend, telling her I knew P was jealous because we got along so great, also telling her that she had asked to read my story (actually she had put it kind of like "I am sooo jealous that you gave it to her, I feel sooo left out, you are soo mean" on the phone, making me fell bad for not asking her). The story is something I have put a lot of work into and care about a lot, and then she NEVER bothered to ever read past the first page (P told me) and never gave me any feedback. A few more things were also involved in making me mad at her, the fact that she told me she was too broke to come see me, but bought a train ticket to Hamburg a few days later, to meet other Fans there, which basically means that she lied to me about her being broke. Telling me that she can see me on twitter, never bothering to say hi but then complaining when I tweet others. That I never bother to reply to her "group" messages (she sends "Good morning" tweets to everyone, something I really DO NOT have the time for with two kids in the morning)
I gave it a few days, also taking the advice from hubby and my friend to wait if she would call or send a message directly to me and then wrote her a long message, explaining my point of view, telling her I was really sick (had a migraine that lasted a few days) and that I am busy, telling her that she still means a lot to me even though I don't have the time to call. I will gladly chat/skype/talk on twitter, because that is something I can do while helping my kids clean up, while making dinner or when they take a bath. I however can not chat on the phone because I know my kids will destroy the house if the know I am distracted. She didn't care and wouldn't accept my apologies. I told her that, if we still want to be friends, we would have to accept each other the way we are.
I do believe in honesty, sometimes even to the point were I have lost friends for being too honest. I don't believe in faking things or lying. I can cope with a lot of things and will put up with shit to a point were it is not even funny anymore. I will never argue about random things or make a fuss about something not important, like how often my friend talks to others or them not calling me even if I know they could. Those are things that for me are not important enough to argue about. I do however think that you have to honestly say what bothers you if it really makes you unhappy. So I did. I told her that, in order to stay friends, I would probably have to accept that she rather spends her money on other things than seeing me, but she would have to accept that I do not have the time to constantly call her or talk on the phone with her because I have two kids. And that I still like her a lot even if we only talk on the phone once a month and the rest of the time is spent talking on FB or Twitter. It works with all my other friends.
I got a message back from her in which she said she would start talking to me again "as soon as I check back into reality because what I ask of her is incredibly ridiculous"...which is something that probably brought it to a point past which I still want to be friends with her. I am just sad because I miss her and I would have never expected her to behave like that. I know she is just jealous, but I don't know why, It kind of feels like she thought she was the only one allowed to own me as a friend.
Irene
Samstag, 11. Februar 2012
random
*sigh* *going to randomly rant on here so be prepared*
I know I have neglected my blog and I am seriously mad at myself for that but right now not many people are reading this anyways so it's not that bad. I just don't find the time and if I have some spare time I just don't feel like blogging and to be honest, I don't even know what to blog about. My life is way to normal and boring to fill a blog post with it every other day. I basically get up, got to work, eat, plop down on the couch and surf the internet or do laundry or clean, pick up my kids from the kindergarten, we have coffee, play, eat dinner, put them into bed, watch TV and sleep...and I do that every day, except on the weekends were I either lounge around or clean or fight with my kids because they want to watch TV all day, sometimes we go shopping, sometimes we visit friends. I haven't been out to watch a movie in...I don't even know when it was last time, it's been forever.
Last weekend we drove up north to see my parents and they were so nice to babysit during the day so me and hubby went to the Mall to shop for clothes, have a coffee and relax all by ourselves for an afternoon. Unfortunately we don't have family close to us and even though we have friends here, most of them have their own lives and kids and the ones who don't, only occasionally feel like babysitting our kids, like once every few months. I would love to go to the movies again, even saw a commercial on TV for a movie I would love to see. A while ago I told my hubby I wanted to see a movie of which we had seen a preview the last time we went to the movies, I checked to see if it was still playing and found it had been in theaters 4 months ago... :( which meant we hadn't been out for at least 5 months.
I don't even know what exactly I do to waste my time, I get up in the morning, blink a few times and all of a sudden it is 7:30 pm and time to put the kids to bed. I wish I was organized enough to plan my days and then actually follow through with things, like maybe taking the kids to a museum. I really need to make an appointment for the regular check-up at the doc for the kids, my son needs his first appointment at the dentist (our health care company is so nice and sends out reminders for us, he is turning 3 and that's the first time you have to go). We actually managed to go to get a haircut with the kids and my stylist squuezed me in at the end to get a trim but without any colour, I need to go back for that...soon, if I find the time. She said I should come every 6 weeks in order to get my hair back to it's healthy, pre-pregnancy state, I usually make it every 3 or 4 months.
I do like the fact that I have a job now, I enjoy working, it's nice for a change, I would probably go nuts if I was still home all day, but working also takes away so much of my time. I usually work 4 hours a day but the last few weeks I worked overtime because we had a project that needed to be finished. I even worked a few hours on a saturday to finish contracts that needed to be send out. My boss always tells me I am doing a good job, he likes it that I put so much effort in my work and I like my work. It is just taking away so much of the time I need for myself to relax, to be able to focus on my family. The worst days are the ones when my hubby is gone over night and I can't even relax a bit when the kids are home because I need to care for them alone. Add some serious case of winter depressions because the temperatures dropped to -20° Celcius and a) I am freezing all the time, even inside b) there is no way I can go outside to play with the kids in the afternoon and c) I freeze my ass off in the morning trying to scrape all the ice off my car only to learn it won't start because the battery is dead or my windows are frozen from the inside! I love snow, it's so pretty to watch and take pictures off - from inside my livingroom - but I hate the cold. If I ever get that change to move to some other country (like maybe the US) I will definitely move to either California or Florida (or at least anything south of South Carolina).
I guess I could go on and rant even more about how much I dislike my life, how much I really want to loose some weight and how much I want to get more organized right now but I don't want to scare away the few people reading this so I will stop here. :) If you have some encouraging words I would totally appreciate them.
Irene
I know I have neglected my blog and I am seriously mad at myself for that but right now not many people are reading this anyways so it's not that bad. I just don't find the time and if I have some spare time I just don't feel like blogging and to be honest, I don't even know what to blog about. My life is way to normal and boring to fill a blog post with it every other day. I basically get up, got to work, eat, plop down on the couch and surf the internet or do laundry or clean, pick up my kids from the kindergarten, we have coffee, play, eat dinner, put them into bed, watch TV and sleep...and I do that every day, except on the weekends were I either lounge around or clean or fight with my kids because they want to watch TV all day, sometimes we go shopping, sometimes we visit friends. I haven't been out to watch a movie in...I don't even know when it was last time, it's been forever.
Last weekend we drove up north to see my parents and they were so nice to babysit during the day so me and hubby went to the Mall to shop for clothes, have a coffee and relax all by ourselves for an afternoon. Unfortunately we don't have family close to us and even though we have friends here, most of them have their own lives and kids and the ones who don't, only occasionally feel like babysitting our kids, like once every few months. I would love to go to the movies again, even saw a commercial on TV for a movie I would love to see. A while ago I told my hubby I wanted to see a movie of which we had seen a preview the last time we went to the movies, I checked to see if it was still playing and found it had been in theaters 4 months ago... :( which meant we hadn't been out for at least 5 months.
I don't even know what exactly I do to waste my time, I get up in the morning, blink a few times and all of a sudden it is 7:30 pm and time to put the kids to bed. I wish I was organized enough to plan my days and then actually follow through with things, like maybe taking the kids to a museum. I really need to make an appointment for the regular check-up at the doc for the kids, my son needs his first appointment at the dentist (our health care company is so nice and sends out reminders for us, he is turning 3 and that's the first time you have to go). We actually managed to go to get a haircut with the kids and my stylist squuezed me in at the end to get a trim but without any colour, I need to go back for that...soon, if I find the time. She said I should come every 6 weeks in order to get my hair back to it's healthy, pre-pregnancy state, I usually make it every 3 or 4 months.
I do like the fact that I have a job now, I enjoy working, it's nice for a change, I would probably go nuts if I was still home all day, but working also takes away so much of my time. I usually work 4 hours a day but the last few weeks I worked overtime because we had a project that needed to be finished. I even worked a few hours on a saturday to finish contracts that needed to be send out. My boss always tells me I am doing a good job, he likes it that I put so much effort in my work and I like my work. It is just taking away so much of the time I need for myself to relax, to be able to focus on my family. The worst days are the ones when my hubby is gone over night and I can't even relax a bit when the kids are home because I need to care for them alone. Add some serious case of winter depressions because the temperatures dropped to -20° Celcius and a) I am freezing all the time, even inside b) there is no way I can go outside to play with the kids in the afternoon and c) I freeze my ass off in the morning trying to scrape all the ice off my car only to learn it won't start because the battery is dead or my windows are frozen from the inside! I love snow, it's so pretty to watch and take pictures off - from inside my livingroom - but I hate the cold. If I ever get that change to move to some other country (like maybe the US) I will definitely move to either California or Florida (or at least anything south of South Carolina).
I guess I could go on and rant even more about how much I dislike my life, how much I really want to loose some weight and how much I want to get more organized right now but I don't want to scare away the few people reading this so I will stop here. :) If you have some encouraging words I would totally appreciate them.
Irene
Christmas and New Years
I know it's waaay late for a Christmas and New Years recap and I won't bore you with a detailed post about how we spend Christmas at my parents and New Years at home with a bunch of our friends, I will just show you some pictures I (or someone else in case I am in them) took with one of my wonderful Christmas presents. I got a DLSR, a Canon EOS 600D. Great Camera but I think it will take a lifetime to learn about every function that camera has. And even longer if you don't really have the time to get into it.
Irene
Irene
 |
| Christmas Tree at my parents |
 |
| Me |
 |
| We made Borscht (Ukrainian red beet soup/stew - yummy!) |
 |
| Sunset at my grandparents-in-law |
 |
| on the way home |
 |
| cake I made as dessert for New Years - surprise on the inside :) |
 |
| Food |
 |
| Dessert - Cake, Tiramisu and Mixed Berry Joghurt |
 |
| Piece of Cake :) |
 |
| inside of the Cake - Rainbow Cake |
 |
| sparkles |
 |
| midnight - Happy New Year 2012! |
Abonnieren
Posts (Atom)