Well, this post will definitely not be an easy one to write but I guess I need to get this written down to somehow get it out of my system.
Back in 1998, when I was 19 years old, had just finished High School and was about 3 1/2 months away from spending a year abroad in the USA as an Au Pair I met someone, a guy, who was about to turn into the love of my life and would haunt me until today and probably will until I die. I hadn't planned on meeting anyone right before leaving the country for at least 12 months, but somehow it did happen and it changed my whole life. We met through a friend of mine, who was dating a friend of him, or more like a colleague (they were both in the German Airforce back then). One night me and my friend went to our favorite club, she wanted to meet her boyfriend and he had his friend with him. They both had somehow decided they want us to "date" because we were both single so we decided he would invite me for a drink and we would talk a little. In the end we really did like each other and wanted to meet again the next day...and the day after...and the day after that.
To cut a long story short, we fell in love almost immediately and spent as much time as possible together the next months before my departure. A few days before I left he gave me a ring and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and as soon as I came back after my year abroad, he wanted to get married. I was on Cloud 9 and couldn't believe there was this awesome and cute guy who loved me for who I am and wanted to be with me forever.
In the end it didn't work out the way we had planned it, somehow over the course of the year I spent abroad, I realized I didn't want to get married right away, I had just turned 20, I wanted to have some more fun while being young, I didn't want to end up being a military wife that would have to move every other year and spent weeks or months apart from her husband. His vision of our life together seemed to be that we get married,have kids,a house and a dog and he had a safe job with the Airforce for at least another 10 years. I panicked...and told him I didn't think I can do it.
Looking back on the whole situation now, I broke his heart...or I guess it was more breaking it, ripping it out of his chest, wrapping barbed wire around it and stepping on it a few times. He had waited for me for 10 months and about 6 weeks before I was due to be back to spend the rest of our lives together I told him I couldn't see "us" being together in the future. I was too young to realize that this short moment of panic was OK and didn't mean that I had to end it all together like I did. It only took me a few weeks though to realize that it had been a mistake and so I begged him to give "us" another chance. He was too hurt and didn't want to give us another chance. From then on we somehow couldn't let go of each other. I begged him to come back, he came back for a few days but as soon as it got too close to being a relationship again he left. He broke my heart over and over again because he came and left and came and left and wouldn't commit to being my boyfriend or fiancee again. I cried, I partied, I got drunk almost every night, I took home each and every single guy who would come with me...just so I could forget him. I almost ruined my life back then. It took 1 1/2 years of begging and crying and wanting him back before I finally gave up. One day, after another night he had spent at my place and another heated argument about the fact that I wanted to try it again, but he said I didn't deserve another chance and that he had met someone else, he left and I didn't see him again for eight whole years.
I met someone else, we are now married and have two kids, he stayed with the girl he had told me about, married her and they have a son. We briefly met in 2009, right after my son was born. I had found him through some website where you can search for old classmates or friends. He had just finished a Seminar in Hannover and I was there too after visiting my parents. As my daughter was 3 years old and my son about 6 months I had to bring them,so we met at a playground I remembered, around the corner from one of my old apartments. We talked, we laughed, we shared a few thoughts about how our relationship had ended, we realized we still liked each other and in the end I was sad that we hadn't kept in contact for so many years, because I noticed I still really liked him. We promised to do better in the future, but somehow realized that not keeping in contact seemed to be the best thing to do, knowing about our feelings.
About 4 months ago, another 5 years later, I send him a message through Whats App. I hadn't known that he still owned his old mobile number, but thanks to my new smartphone, after installing the App about two years ago and searching my contacts his had somehow popped up. I had contacted him before when I was in Berlin (where he now lives) to visit my sister to ask if we could meet for a coffee but he wasn't in town. Other than that we sporadically sent each other Happy Birthday or Happy New Year Messages. This time was different though.
Following that day back in 2001 when he left and we lost contact I had never told him about how I had felt and what I had done those months when he wouldn't commit to being my boyfriend again, when he hurt me by leaving after a few happy days together. The nights I was drunk and crying my eyes out, the days spent in bed crying, the guys I took home...he didn't know how he had almost ruined me and my life. He didn't know that all this might have influenced my health, that it might have been a reason for me becoming sick in 2010 and all those things that followed like me becoming depressed. He couldn't know because I hadn't talked to him for 5 years.
I had talked about all of it during my therapy and somehow gotten to the point where I wanted to tell him, to get it off my chest, to make a clean cut with my past. So I told him about it in my message, not really knowing what to expect really. I got a message back that read "Hey Sweetheart, maybe we should meet and talk about it"...in the following weeks and months we wrote messages and talked on the phone. And just like a few years ago we realized there are still those feelings we have for each other. We both didn't know what to do and how to handle the situation.
To be honest, both of our marriages are not the happiest ones, we both realized we are not happy with our lives right now and talking to each other made it so much better. We both in an instant said "gosh it is so awesome to hear your voice, I missed that so much" We spend our days sending messages to each other, we talked about how we might be able to be together again some day and decided we should meet to talk in person and see if the feelings we had when talking and chatting are also there in real life.
As I don't have a job right now and he is working as a construction worker I decided that I would go and see him in Berlin, spend the day with him and stay at my sisters place over night. I was excited to see him again and it was the same with him, we counted down the hours and I could barely sleep the night before (which I had spent at a friends place after going to a concert with her in the evening). We decided to meet at a Starbucks in Downtown Berlin and as soon as we saw each other we "clicked" and it felt like no time had passed, let alone 13 years since we broke up and 5 since we had talked. It was wonderful, awesome, exciting, I had butterflies and couldn't stop smiling. Hugging him, talking to him, touching him...I had this overwhelming feeling of "being home" while being with him. It scared the shit out of me because it made me question my marriage, but I was way too happy to care that day. I can't really speak for him here, but it looked and sounded and felt like he was feeling the same. We spend all day together, but at some point he told me that he realized the more time he spends with me, the less he wants to go back home and for him ending his marriage to be with me and in the process probably losing his son (or the ability to see him whenever he wants) plus fighting his wife through a divorce is not an option. He grew up with divorced parents, his wife has an older son who grew up with them and spend parts of his life away from his father after they moved to Berlin a few years ago and he didn't want his son to experience the same heartache. He may not be happy with his marriage anymore but somehow him and his wife have arranged themselves with the way they live and he said he "got used" to it being that way. Being with me would mean chaos, would mean a hard battle and lots of heartache.
He left me sitting there, almost crying and hurt, not knowing what to say or do. I begged him to stay and asked him if we could meet again the next day but again he said he can't spend any more time with me because he feels he would not want to leave me and go back home but that is just not possible. He told me how sad it makes him that he has to choose between staying and leaving and how much it hurts to see me like that but his son is his everything and he doesn't know how to handle the situation better than going back to his life until maybe one day the timing is right for us. He said that he would call me a few days later, but never did.
I went back home 2 days later unhappy, crying and still hurt. I realized that I had imagined it to be easier to just get up and leave my family to be with someone else (which wasn't that easy I realized because despite having so many new/old feelings for him, I still had a lot of feelings for my husband) but somehow my trip to Berlin made me realize I had to change the situation between me and my husband to make our every day life together better. The last few years of constant worrying about my health, our daughters health, surgeries, depression and more had been hard and we were barely talking to each other. We were fighting, yelling and lacking respect for each other, he was rude and loud and constantly annoyed by me and the kids.
So I told him about my feelings and that things had to change or I didn't know if I wanted to go on being married to him. He blamed me for everything, told me I had actively ruined our marriage by going to Berlin, that he had done everything he could for me the last years and in the end packed his bags and moved out for a week so we could spend some time apart to think about it. That broke my heart, on top of it being broken by my ex-boyfriend already who had not kept in contact like he had said. Things seemed to go downhill, getting worse every day and all I wanted to do was cry, feel miserable and curl up in bed and sleep, exactly the way I had done it back when my ex had broken my heart before. But I have kids, I am responsible for them, I have an apartment to keep clean, we had just moved and boxes needed to be unpacked, there is laundry, breakfast, lunch, dinner, homework with my daughter and kids that shouldn't see their mother cry all day...FUCK, it seemed impossible to do..oh and lets not forget, Christmas was only three weeks away!
I haven't heard more than a few sentences via Whats App from him. He told me I was insane to "throw away" my family, that I shouldn't have been too honest about my feelings and that he doesn't want to talk or think about the feelings between us. He stopped talking to me afterwards but kept reading the messages I sent him until the end of last year. Since then I have send one or two more but stopped because it hurt too much. I don't know why he doesn't want to be in contact anymore, all I am asking for is that he explains it to me. I miss him terribly and not knowing WHY he is behaving like this is killing me.
I have talked to some of my friends and got mixed opinions, some say he is the biggest asshole ever and he just played with me and my feelings. That I was just a pastime for him, when he was bored at work, or that I was someone to boost his ego. That all the things he wrote and told me, that he thinks about me all the time, that he wants to be with me and make me happy...all that was fake. Others say that he probably already gave me an explanation by telling me he can't spend any more time with me because it would mean risking his marriage. I don't really know what to believe, whatever it is, not hearing from him is not making it any easier!
Irene
Donnerstag, 15. Januar 2015
Freitag, 19. September 2014
Gym
I have to admit I never really liked to do sports. Last time I actively played a sport was as a child when my parents made me do something because I guess they thought it would help me with my self-esteem and also to lose some weight because I was a little overweight as a teenager. I started playing Volleyball but didn't like it and then tried playing Handball but equally didn't like it and stopped playing, if I remember it wasn't even a year in both sports.
During my year abroad after I finished High School I gained a few kilos, if I remember it right I was around 8 kilos heavier when I came back. Luckily (or not) I lost them pretty fast due to not eating and living only off of Cola and Chocolate due to severe heart-ache after breaking up with my boyfriend. Afterwards my weight was up and down depending on how much I had to do for university, some days I basically just forgot to eat because I had to write a paper. But I never really went to a gym to do sports, even though I struggled with my weight and I was out of breath from running a few meters when I had to catch a train or something.
When I met my husband he was almost underweight, tall and skinny and weighting less then myself (really frustrating). To lose some weight and to become a little fitter I tried to go jogging with him but failed miserably because "jogging" for me was more of a "fast walking" and jogging for him was running. So we stopped after two times and I tried it by myself but that was utterly boring in my eyes. So I stopped doing sports all together.
After my pregnancies I had a problem with my abdominal muscles, they were out of shape and I developed a hernia. So doing sports was totally out of the question. I had gained weight during both pregnancies and weighted about 8 kilos more than before becoming pregnant with my first child. I was miserable because I hated looking at my belly and couldn't do anything about it. So in the end I decided to get surgery done to feel like myself again (on top of doing it for medical reasons). But my husband made me promise that I stay in shape afterwards. So as soon as my doc gave me the go I went to the Gym. I loved my new body and shape and I wanted to keep it.
So I started with the beginning of this year and to be hinest, not only my husband was sceptic that I would keep it up but I didn't really think either that I would follow through with it. One of the reasons I never got a membership at a gym was that I thought I would waste my money on a membership and would never go there. So I got a contract that can be cancelled on a monthly base, not a yearly one, despite having to pay a bit more each month.
I admit the first few weeks were hard, I tried to keep it up to go twice a week just like my trainer told me. My muscles were sore and my mood was bad some days becasue I was just exhausted. But it payed off because my gym offers check-ups every 6-8 weeks to see if there is any progress and I have lost a few centimeters around my thighs and my waist and I feel a lot fitter.
I am sooo proud of myself and I even managed to asked my trainer to call a gym in my hometown (it is a franchise) to check if I can switch without a problem after we move (yes, we are moving back to my hometown in a few weeks). That way I am kinda forced to show up there and can not find a million little excuses why I can't go on working out. Now I only have to change a few of my eating habits (Nutella for breakfast, sugar for my coffee, skipping lunch) to lose a bit of weight.
Here is a pic...have to say I LOVE my silhouette!!
Irene
During my year abroad after I finished High School I gained a few kilos, if I remember it right I was around 8 kilos heavier when I came back. Luckily (or not) I lost them pretty fast due to not eating and living only off of Cola and Chocolate due to severe heart-ache after breaking up with my boyfriend. Afterwards my weight was up and down depending on how much I had to do for university, some days I basically just forgot to eat because I had to write a paper. But I never really went to a gym to do sports, even though I struggled with my weight and I was out of breath from running a few meters when I had to catch a train or something.
When I met my husband he was almost underweight, tall and skinny and weighting less then myself (really frustrating). To lose some weight and to become a little fitter I tried to go jogging with him but failed miserably because "jogging" for me was more of a "fast walking" and jogging for him was running. So we stopped after two times and I tried it by myself but that was utterly boring in my eyes. So I stopped doing sports all together.
After my pregnancies I had a problem with my abdominal muscles, they were out of shape and I developed a hernia. So doing sports was totally out of the question. I had gained weight during both pregnancies and weighted about 8 kilos more than before becoming pregnant with my first child. I was miserable because I hated looking at my belly and couldn't do anything about it. So in the end I decided to get surgery done to feel like myself again (on top of doing it for medical reasons). But my husband made me promise that I stay in shape afterwards. So as soon as my doc gave me the go I went to the Gym. I loved my new body and shape and I wanted to keep it.
So I started with the beginning of this year and to be hinest, not only my husband was sceptic that I would keep it up but I didn't really think either that I would follow through with it. One of the reasons I never got a membership at a gym was that I thought I would waste my money on a membership and would never go there. So I got a contract that can be cancelled on a monthly base, not a yearly one, despite having to pay a bit more each month.
I admit the first few weeks were hard, I tried to keep it up to go twice a week just like my trainer told me. My muscles were sore and my mood was bad some days becasue I was just exhausted. But it payed off because my gym offers check-ups every 6-8 weeks to see if there is any progress and I have lost a few centimeters around my thighs and my waist and I feel a lot fitter.
I am sooo proud of myself and I even managed to asked my trainer to call a gym in my hometown (it is a franchise) to check if I can switch without a problem after we move (yes, we are moving back to my hometown in a few weeks). That way I am kinda forced to show up there and can not find a million little excuses why I can't go on working out. Now I only have to change a few of my eating habits (Nutella for breakfast, sugar for my coffee, skipping lunch) to lose a bit of weight.
Here is a pic...have to say I LOVE my silhouette!!
Irene
Donnerstag, 14. August 2014
Kickstarter
I am sure a lot of people using the Internet and especially social media platforms have heard of Kickstarter. I actually can't really remember how I came across it, but one day I heard about a Kickstarter Campaign by Zach Braff. To be honest I only know him from Scrubs and haven't really watched any other movies he is in, not even the famous "Garden State", but I plan on doing that soon. His Kickstarter Campaign was for a new movie he wanted to make, together with his brother Adam.
I thought about it for a few days, always checking back on Kickstarter if the financial goal set for the movie would be reached and decided I would chip in some of my hard earned money to fund it. I did expect that there would be some feedback about the movie, but was blown away by how many emails I recieved from Zach and how they set up a website with exclusive Backer Log-In.All those little films they made backstage, all those messages addressed to us, the Backers, those who made it possible. It made me feel special and I could feel how thankful Zach was that we helped with his dream of making that movie.
Anyways, the movie is out in the US and Canada for a while now and I can't wait for it to be out in Europe, too. Check out this exclusive trailer that was send to the backers to share. DAMN I am proud there is some of my money in it,too!!
Irene
I thought about it for a few days, always checking back on Kickstarter if the financial goal set for the movie would be reached and decided I would chip in some of my hard earned money to fund it. I did expect that there would be some feedback about the movie, but was blown away by how many emails I recieved from Zach and how they set up a website with exclusive Backer Log-In.All those little films they made backstage, all those messages addressed to us, the Backers, those who made it possible. It made me feel special and I could feel how thankful Zach was that we helped with his dream of making that movie.
Anyways, the movie is out in the US and Canada for a while now and I can't wait for it to be out in Europe, too. Check out this exclusive trailer that was send to the backers to share. DAMN I am proud there is some of my money in it,too!!
Irene
Freitag, 23. Mai 2014
#Spoonie
When you live with an invisible illness like Depression it is hard to explain to anyone how it is affecting your life on a daily basis. I have tried oh-so-many times to explain it to my husband, who knows me better that anyone else, why it is difficult for me to go grocery shopping on a regular saturday or why I would rather have him call the health insurance company to ask about something concerning myself because I don't feel like discussing it with them and then maybe starting to cry because it is so difficult for me to put into words how I feel. Just yesterday my mom, who had been on vacation for the last three weeks and therefore missed most of my latest "down phase", asked me why and how it started again after I felt good and only occasionally had a bad day for the last 6 months.
There are a few reasons for the "why it came back" and I tried to explain it to her and until we unfortunately had to end the call apruptly because she had to leave for an appointment, she was asking me a zillion questions and for the first time since this all started I had the feeling she really wants to know and is curious about how it has affected my life. I promised her I would write it down or we can continue the conversation on the phone later and I will tell her about something that I found on the Internet that does explain how it has affected and still affects my life.
I have come across The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. Christine has Lupus and during a conversation with a friend who asked her how living with her invisible illness affects her daily life developed that theory. When I was reading The Spoon Theory I thougth to myself that it is a good way to also explain how I feel. I fortunately don't have to live with constant pain on a daily basis but leading a normal life when you are some days too tired or even scared to leave the house or your energy runs out faster than usually is still difficult.
So if you are interested in reading, go check it out here
Irene
There are a few reasons for the "why it came back" and I tried to explain it to her and until we unfortunately had to end the call apruptly because she had to leave for an appointment, she was asking me a zillion questions and for the first time since this all started I had the feeling she really wants to know and is curious about how it has affected my life. I promised her I would write it down or we can continue the conversation on the phone later and I will tell her about something that I found on the Internet that does explain how it has affected and still affects my life.
I have come across The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. Christine has Lupus and during a conversation with a friend who asked her how living with her invisible illness affects her daily life developed that theory. When I was reading The Spoon Theory I thougth to myself that it is a good way to also explain how I feel. I fortunately don't have to live with constant pain on a daily basis but leading a normal life when you are some days too tired or even scared to leave the house or your energy runs out faster than usually is still difficult.
So if you are interested in reading, go check it out here
Irene
Mittwoch, 21. Mai 2014
No-Go's
During the last few days I had to deal with a few more not-so-nice mood swings and a serious case of the blues, paired with crying and doubting myself over and over again...just another one of those down phases that had been gone for a while but after one incident (which I don't really want to discuss here) came back. Someone said something and that triggered a whole lot of emotions that upset me and the fact THAT I am so upset by them upsets me even more.
All of this has led to yet another discussion with my husband about my state of mind and my feelings and the fact that those feelings, along with mood swings and anxiety attacks came back unexpected have totally thrown him off and he basically is back to the beginning and unable to help me through it.
Fortunately, some days you come across things online, or by talking to someone, that perfectly fits the situation you are in or that strikes a chord, maybe an article you read or your friend mentioning something that helps you. I have come across a blog because one of my Facebook friends posted a link on their wall. It was a post (well more like two posts) about what or what not to say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness.
I have heard a lot of those phrases before and even though I understand (much like it is also said there) that people only want to help or maybe just want to say ANYTHING and don't know what to say. But most of the time good intentions turn out not to be so good after all.
So her you go, read the things not to say and the things you should say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness (like depression happens to be).
Feedback is appreciated and I would also be happy about a few nice comments
Irene
All of this has led to yet another discussion with my husband about my state of mind and my feelings and the fact that those feelings, along with mood swings and anxiety attacks came back unexpected have totally thrown him off and he basically is back to the beginning and unable to help me through it.
Fortunately, some days you come across things online, or by talking to someone, that perfectly fits the situation you are in or that strikes a chord, maybe an article you read or your friend mentioning something that helps you. I have come across a blog because one of my Facebook friends posted a link on their wall. It was a post (well more like two posts) about what or what not to say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness.
I have heard a lot of those phrases before and even though I understand (much like it is also said there) that people only want to help or maybe just want to say ANYTHING and don't know what to say. But most of the time good intentions turn out not to be so good after all.
So her you go, read the things not to say and the things you should say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness (like depression happens to be).
Feedback is appreciated and I would also be happy about a few nice comments
Irene
Donnerstag, 15. Mai 2014
Dreams
"LIfe is what happens while you are busy making other plans" - John Lennon
This is going to be hard, not only writing about it but actually realizing it and following through with it in a way that I can look back later and say "I did the right thing"
See, I have had this dream for the last 15 years. Ever since coming back from my Au Pair Year in the USA I dreamed of going back to live in the US, not necessarily forever and ever but at least for a few years. I spent lots of vacations there, in various places and always loved it. Two very good friends of mine moved to live there, one got married to an American here in Europe and moved there with him and one got send there by her company to work, found a guy she loved and stayed and I also have family living there. I've been jealous of them for quite a while, wishing I would have been so lucky to have the opportunity.
The most logical thing to do to make my dream come true eventually was taking part in the annual Green Card Lottery. The first time I did it was back in 2001 I think and I re-entered every year. The odds are like 20:1 or something and I have followed stories of people who won after only two years and some who tried 25 years. Every year I was disappointed but kept hoping I would win.
Then in 2009 my husband almost got the chance to sign a contract with a german Company who wanted to start a business in the US and needed a representative. It would have meant that I will go with him but will not be able to work (due to visa stuff) but as our son was only 6 months old anyways it didn't matter. Unfortunately it didn't work out the way it was planned and we didn't go.
In the end not going sucked but given the fact that I was diagnosed with an early stage of cervical cancer 10 months later it was a good thing we stayed here. Afterwards my life, or more the life of my whole family changed, and it changed a lot. I was sick constantly, in the hospital almost every 6 months, depressed and seeing a therapist. The last 3 1/2 years were hard. And those years have changed me and my focus in life. I don't have a job right now and I actually enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, which was something I always hated, I always said "I didn't study to get a Diploma to stay home and only care for my family". I don't need work right now to be happy and would hate it to constantly try to do the spilts to have enough time for work, kids, household, hubby and myself. My therapist said I shouldn't see myself as a stay-at-home mom, I should call it rehab time. And it will take as long as I need it!
But back to this thing that has happened and that is making me upset. I found out yesterday that I have won the Green Card Lottery this time. Last year I actually didn't intend to take part, I was recovering from my last surgery and I did see the Emails and the letter I got from the Company that handled the process and I let the chances to enter pass one by one. Deadline is usually by the end of October and as I had taken part for the last, I think 12 years they called me a few days before the deadline and asked if I wanted to take part this year. Somehow the guy on the phone talked me into trying again, while I had actually already decided to stop following that dream because I couldn't imagine living so far away from my family anymore because I didn't feel mentally stable enough.
My first reaction should have been "YAY OMG THAT IS AWESOME" but it wasn't, it was more like "DAMN, not right now, why did I take part, can we please postpone it until 2025" I tried to be happy, I wished for at least a tiny bit of excitement...nothing. I almost had a panic attack and wanted to crawl in my bed and cry. I called my best friend and told her and she asked "what should we do now? Be happy or not?" and I didn't know.
To be honest, it sucks. And I cried a lot, I will cry even more over the next few days I am sure. And then I will say goodbye to my dream and let it go. The timing sucks and following through with it will give me more heartache than letting it go, at least that's what I am telling myself right now. My (mental) health is far more important than living 6000 miles away from home because if I am sick it is even harder for friends and family to visit and help. But it gives me this weird feeling of giving up and giving in to those damn voices in my head that are telling me I can't do it.
Burying a dream that is about to come true hurts bad, really fucking bad!!!
Irene
This is going to be hard, not only writing about it but actually realizing it and following through with it in a way that I can look back later and say "I did the right thing"
See, I have had this dream for the last 15 years. Ever since coming back from my Au Pair Year in the USA I dreamed of going back to live in the US, not necessarily forever and ever but at least for a few years. I spent lots of vacations there, in various places and always loved it. Two very good friends of mine moved to live there, one got married to an American here in Europe and moved there with him and one got send there by her company to work, found a guy she loved and stayed and I also have family living there. I've been jealous of them for quite a while, wishing I would have been so lucky to have the opportunity.
The most logical thing to do to make my dream come true eventually was taking part in the annual Green Card Lottery. The first time I did it was back in 2001 I think and I re-entered every year. The odds are like 20:1 or something and I have followed stories of people who won after only two years and some who tried 25 years. Every year I was disappointed but kept hoping I would win.
Then in 2009 my husband almost got the chance to sign a contract with a german Company who wanted to start a business in the US and needed a representative. It would have meant that I will go with him but will not be able to work (due to visa stuff) but as our son was only 6 months old anyways it didn't matter. Unfortunately it didn't work out the way it was planned and we didn't go.
In the end not going sucked but given the fact that I was diagnosed with an early stage of cervical cancer 10 months later it was a good thing we stayed here. Afterwards my life, or more the life of my whole family changed, and it changed a lot. I was sick constantly, in the hospital almost every 6 months, depressed and seeing a therapist. The last 3 1/2 years were hard. And those years have changed me and my focus in life. I don't have a job right now and I actually enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, which was something I always hated, I always said "I didn't study to get a Diploma to stay home and only care for my family". I don't need work right now to be happy and would hate it to constantly try to do the spilts to have enough time for work, kids, household, hubby and myself. My therapist said I shouldn't see myself as a stay-at-home mom, I should call it rehab time. And it will take as long as I need it!
But back to this thing that has happened and that is making me upset. I found out yesterday that I have won the Green Card Lottery this time. Last year I actually didn't intend to take part, I was recovering from my last surgery and I did see the Emails and the letter I got from the Company that handled the process and I let the chances to enter pass one by one. Deadline is usually by the end of October and as I had taken part for the last, I think 12 years they called me a few days before the deadline and asked if I wanted to take part this year. Somehow the guy on the phone talked me into trying again, while I had actually already decided to stop following that dream because I couldn't imagine living so far away from my family anymore because I didn't feel mentally stable enough.
My first reaction should have been "YAY OMG THAT IS AWESOME" but it wasn't, it was more like "DAMN, not right now, why did I take part, can we please postpone it until 2025" I tried to be happy, I wished for at least a tiny bit of excitement...nothing. I almost had a panic attack and wanted to crawl in my bed and cry. I called my best friend and told her and she asked "what should we do now? Be happy or not?" and I didn't know.
To be honest, it sucks. And I cried a lot, I will cry even more over the next few days I am sure. And then I will say goodbye to my dream and let it go. The timing sucks and following through with it will give me more heartache than letting it go, at least that's what I am telling myself right now. My (mental) health is far more important than living 6000 miles away from home because if I am sick it is even harder for friends and family to visit and help. But it gives me this weird feeling of giving up and giving in to those damn voices in my head that are telling me I can't do it.
Burying a dream that is about to come true hurts bad, really fucking bad!!!
Irene
Freitag, 25. April 2014
Depression
Yes, you read the right, Depression...it is not only a very mean word, it is also a very mean state of mind one can be in. Being depressed is the worst thing in the whole wide world. And what is even worse, you can't really control it.
It usually starts in your head, a tiny thought pops up in your brain, maybe someone said something, you read something or something caught your attention otherwise which leads to a memory, that leads to another and all of a sudden you remember this really really bad time in your life and it starts a cascade of thoughts that you can not escape.
Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic...you have sworn not to touch alcohol and you avoid it as much as you can, or you have been gambling and lost a lot of money, so you decided not to do it anymore (and avoid going to Vegas on your vacation). No matter what happened, I am sure it is hard not to drink or gamble, but it is possible to avoid those things, e.g. by not spending time in a bar or in Vegas. But how can you escape the thoughts in your head, how can you make sure everyone around you avoids using words or sentences that trigger negative emotions or memories? You can't, and that is making it really hard to overcome a depression. Even though there might be a time in your life when the negative thoughts are kept at bay, be it because life is treating you good or because you are taking medication or maybe you have found a solution to the problem that was causig the negative thoughts, a state of mind in which you feel helpless and lost, sad and overwhelmed with even the tiniest obstacles can always happen again and it will creep up on you in no time.
I have been depressed and it was a horrible time in my life, I barely made it out of bed, I hardly had any appetite and thinking about food made it even worse, I was scared to leave the house, I couldn't do stuff on my own, I started crying out of nowhere and I wasn't able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty for feeling that way, I felt guilty for skipping dinner with them and it took all of my strength and energy to not cry in front of them and to smile when they told me something that made them happy. I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't be happy for my kids and even the slightest argument between them annoyed me to a point where I started yelling because I was so stressed by my own problems.
I have a more than awesome husband and some awesome friends who helped me through that time, I also had a very nice and empathic therapist. I know I have come a long way, I had been in therapy for almost 18 months (with depresson slowly starting even before I started therapy and other health problems I was sick for three years) by the time me and my therapist decided I had recovered enough so I could stop seeing her. That was last October and I have felt extremly good ever since then. Things that seemed unbearable 6 months prior to that date didn't bother me anymore, I could leave the house by myself and even went to some concerts on my own without any negative "I can't do that" feelings beforehand. I took care of my kids and even when my husband ahd to be away overnight for business it was fine.
Well, all of that up until about two weeks ago when I went to see this lady who is my supervisor at the local job center. As I am unemployed right now, due to being sick for such a long time, I need to meet with a supervisor around once every two months. The first time at the beginning of the year I had a very nice guy as a supervisor who completely understood my situation of being a mother and housewife and the fact that I don't really want a job right now as I still feel I need to recover from being sick for the last three years. But somehow the job center reorganized the responsibilities and I got a new supervisor. Now this lady lacks empathy and somehow felt she needed to tell me that I am obligated to apply for as many jobs as possible otherwise they will stop paying unemployment money. She is putting a lot of pressure on me and my still fragile mind which triggered this horrible feeling of being overwhelmed with even the smallest things. She is making me take a course in economics (which I studied ages ago) to "stay fit in the basics" which means I have to drive 45 minutes downtown every day to spend half a day in a classroom with people I don't know, doing stuff I don't want to do. And even though I know it is not the end of the world and most people would say "so what, suck it up and deal with it", for me it's not easy. Pressure is making me nervous and unstable and insecure. And the fact that some lady who doesn't know shit about me thinks she can put that pressure on me is bothering me.
A friend of mine, and my husband too, said I could just see my doc and ask him to write a note saying I am too sick (or not stable enough) to take that course but somehow for me that is cheating. Yes, I feel horrible and the thought of being forced to be there is making me uncomfortable. But I can't avoid anything that is making me cringe forever. At some point I will have to apply for jobs and I will have to sit through uncomfortable situations again. I have always been a fighter, up to the point that I wouldn't let anyone know how bad I was feeling and just sucking it up. I learned the hard way by crashing hard and hitting rock bottom, that no one can be happy and perfect and give 100% all the time and having a bad day, or week or month doesn't make you a bad person or failure. For me admitting and accepting that I am about to hit bottom again after being fine for 6 months is the hardest thing to do and getting this note from my doc would mean that I am not 100% over it but still in the "recovering" phase.
Following through with this course and the obligations is making me uncomfortable because I feel I still need time to be 100% myself again and to be able to really give 100% in whatever job I want to do. I need the freedom to apply for a job on my own terms and conditions to feel good. I can avoid all this by "officially" stating I am still not 100% myself and seeing my doc, but somehow "knowing" that inside of me and therefore living my life the way it is making me feel good and happy right now until I fell better and "officially" telling the world that I still need more time is a difference.
Does that make any sense??
Irene
It usually starts in your head, a tiny thought pops up in your brain, maybe someone said something, you read something or something caught your attention otherwise which leads to a memory, that leads to another and all of a sudden you remember this really really bad time in your life and it starts a cascade of thoughts that you can not escape.
Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic...you have sworn not to touch alcohol and you avoid it as much as you can, or you have been gambling and lost a lot of money, so you decided not to do it anymore (and avoid going to Vegas on your vacation). No matter what happened, I am sure it is hard not to drink or gamble, but it is possible to avoid those things, e.g. by not spending time in a bar or in Vegas. But how can you escape the thoughts in your head, how can you make sure everyone around you avoids using words or sentences that trigger negative emotions or memories? You can't, and that is making it really hard to overcome a depression. Even though there might be a time in your life when the negative thoughts are kept at bay, be it because life is treating you good or because you are taking medication or maybe you have found a solution to the problem that was causig the negative thoughts, a state of mind in which you feel helpless and lost, sad and overwhelmed with even the tiniest obstacles can always happen again and it will creep up on you in no time.
I have been depressed and it was a horrible time in my life, I barely made it out of bed, I hardly had any appetite and thinking about food made it even worse, I was scared to leave the house, I couldn't do stuff on my own, I started crying out of nowhere and I wasn't able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty for feeling that way, I felt guilty for skipping dinner with them and it took all of my strength and energy to not cry in front of them and to smile when they told me something that made them happy. I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't be happy for my kids and even the slightest argument between them annoyed me to a point where I started yelling because I was so stressed by my own problems.
I have a more than awesome husband and some awesome friends who helped me through that time, I also had a very nice and empathic therapist. I know I have come a long way, I had been in therapy for almost 18 months (with depresson slowly starting even before I started therapy and other health problems I was sick for three years) by the time me and my therapist decided I had recovered enough so I could stop seeing her. That was last October and I have felt extremly good ever since then. Things that seemed unbearable 6 months prior to that date didn't bother me anymore, I could leave the house by myself and even went to some concerts on my own without any negative "I can't do that" feelings beforehand. I took care of my kids and even when my husband ahd to be away overnight for business it was fine.
Well, all of that up until about two weeks ago when I went to see this lady who is my supervisor at the local job center. As I am unemployed right now, due to being sick for such a long time, I need to meet with a supervisor around once every two months. The first time at the beginning of the year I had a very nice guy as a supervisor who completely understood my situation of being a mother and housewife and the fact that I don't really want a job right now as I still feel I need to recover from being sick for the last three years. But somehow the job center reorganized the responsibilities and I got a new supervisor. Now this lady lacks empathy and somehow felt she needed to tell me that I am obligated to apply for as many jobs as possible otherwise they will stop paying unemployment money. She is putting a lot of pressure on me and my still fragile mind which triggered this horrible feeling of being overwhelmed with even the smallest things. She is making me take a course in economics (which I studied ages ago) to "stay fit in the basics" which means I have to drive 45 minutes downtown every day to spend half a day in a classroom with people I don't know, doing stuff I don't want to do. And even though I know it is not the end of the world and most people would say "so what, suck it up and deal with it", for me it's not easy. Pressure is making me nervous and unstable and insecure. And the fact that some lady who doesn't know shit about me thinks she can put that pressure on me is bothering me.
A friend of mine, and my husband too, said I could just see my doc and ask him to write a note saying I am too sick (or not stable enough) to take that course but somehow for me that is cheating. Yes, I feel horrible and the thought of being forced to be there is making me uncomfortable. But I can't avoid anything that is making me cringe forever. At some point I will have to apply for jobs and I will have to sit through uncomfortable situations again. I have always been a fighter, up to the point that I wouldn't let anyone know how bad I was feeling and just sucking it up. I learned the hard way by crashing hard and hitting rock bottom, that no one can be happy and perfect and give 100% all the time and having a bad day, or week or month doesn't make you a bad person or failure. For me admitting and accepting that I am about to hit bottom again after being fine for 6 months is the hardest thing to do and getting this note from my doc would mean that I am not 100% over it but still in the "recovering" phase.
Following through with this course and the obligations is making me uncomfortable because I feel I still need time to be 100% myself again and to be able to really give 100% in whatever job I want to do. I need the freedom to apply for a job on my own terms and conditions to feel good. I can avoid all this by "officially" stating I am still not 100% myself and seeing my doc, but somehow "knowing" that inside of me and therefore living my life the way it is making me feel good and happy right now until I fell better and "officially" telling the world that I still need more time is a difference.
Does that make any sense??
Irene
Samstag, 15. März 2014
M.I.A
Missing in Action for three months again, somehow I can't make myself write on a regular basis because I know that almost no one is reading this anyways.
Wish I had some lovely readers to kick my butt once in a while.
Might have to do some shameless self-promoting. Or maybe I am just not meant to be a Blogger.
*sigh*
Irene
P.S. if you are reading this, why don't you leave a comment...yes you, dear reader who accidentally stumbled across my blog...I'd love to hear from you!
Wish I had some lovely readers to kick my butt once in a while.
Might have to do some shameless self-promoting. Or maybe I am just not meant to be a Blogger.
*sigh*
Irene
P.S. if you are reading this, why don't you leave a comment...yes you, dear reader who accidentally stumbled across my blog...I'd love to hear from you!
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