So...this blog was kinda quite for the last...ummm...8 months. On the one hand it is not really tragic because, to be honest, one like 2 or 3 people actually read it currently. On the other hand I am mad at myself for not writing more because every once in a while I have caught myself thinking "hey it would be helpful to write/talk about your problems/ideas/opinions and maybe someone will have an advice." When I started blogging it was for fun, I wanted to do it on a regular basis, I love blogs and enjoy reading those that I read a lot. I am fascinated by being able to take a sneak-peak into the life of other people around the globe. And I thought if I keep this up and running regularly, maybe someone might enjoy sneak-peaking into my life.
But like someone, apparently John Lennon, once said (it's one of my favourite quotes)
"life is what is happening while you are busy making other plans"
So life has been busy, hectic and stressful in the last few months. I have been sick a lot and had to stay in bed a lot and basically was unhappy with myself, my health and my life. I'll spare anyone reading this the details, first of all they are personal, second of all I don't want to remember it and start dwelling on it again and third I don't want to sound like I am whining about stuff that I can't change anyways.
I have been seeing a therapist once a week since September last year because I have been suffering from depression and anxiety attacks regularly. I had been sick and in the hospital for a lot of different reasons almost every 6 months since October 2010 and at some point I started to feel so insecure about myself and my health that even thinking about leaving my house and doing something outside of my routine scared the shit out of me because I knew/thought/feared I would become sick again. In reality this wasn't true, no one has to go to the hospital because they don't follow their daily routine of getting up, going to work, cleaning and doing laundry. But my immune system was so weak that I got a flu as soon as some sneezed next to me and I just didn't dare do anything out of the ordinary. Being faced with challenges scared the hell out of me and led to panic attacks making it impossible to do anything on my own.
Those weeks and months were challenging because the job my hubby has usually requires him to go on business trips overnight almost every week. Not being able to deal with stuff on my own made it impossible for him to leave me and our kids home alone and so he only left us alone if he really couldn't avoid it. I became more and more dependant on him and felt like I couldn't do anything alone anymore. Needless to say that led to lots of fighting because he just didn't understand (he'd never been in a situation that scared him so much that he couldn't face it alone or had felt sick and weak as much as I did). He felt like "I should just get my shit together" and I felt like he is not supporting me and leaving me alone (after once promising me "in sickness and in health"). To sum it up, the last 6 months basically sucked!!
But somehow through a lot of talking, analyzing, and also asking my hubby to come to my therapist with me we sorted out the fears I had and found some solutions we both could live with. I learned a lot about myself and had the change to realize some things that happened in the past which probably led to me being the way I am today. I learned to live with the fact that I can't change the past and I can't change the way people are and how they treat me. I have learned (but still struggle with actually following through with it) that I can't and don't have to please everyone and be nice to people that don't give a shit. My health is a bit better, not perfect and I am still facing a huge surgery in September (maybe even two). But I have learned to cope with my problems by myself and so two weeks ago my threapist and I agreed that we think I made so much progress that we will stop the weekly meetings, I will come one more time right before the summer vacation starts and then we will see how it goes when we come back in September. I am really really proud of myself for reaching that point.
I would say I am far from being perfect, flawless and totally content but I am far more happy with myself and my life that I was a year ago. Now out of 7 days a week I am happy on 4 or 5 out of them, a few months ago it was the other way around.
Let's hope I will get back into the routine of writing about some more or less interesting things that happen in my crazy yet kinda boring life. If you read this (and maybe go back through the bits I have written before disappearing from the blogosphere) and like it come back and maybe tell your friends, I'd love it if someone will give me feedback.
Irene
Keine Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen