Gym

I have to admit I never really liked to do sports. Last time I actively played a sport was as a child when my parents made me do something because I guess they thought it would help me with my self-esteem and also to lose some weight because I was a little overweight as a teenager. I started playing Volleyball but didn't like it and then tried playing Handball but equally didn't like it and stopped playing, if I remember it wasn't even a year in both sports.

During my year abroad after I finished High School I gained a few kilos, if I remember it right I was around 8 kilos heavier when I came back. Luckily (or not) I lost them pretty fast due to not eating and living only off of Cola and Chocolate due to severe heart-ache after breaking up with my boyfriend. Afterwards my weight was up and down depending on how much I had to do for university, some days I basically just forgot to eat because I had to write a paper. But I never really went to a gym to do sports, even though I struggled with my weight and I was out of breath from running a few meters when I had to catch a train or something.

When I met my husband he was almost underweight, tall and skinny and weighting less then myself (really frustrating). To lose some weight and to become a little fitter I tried to go jogging with him but failed miserably because "jogging" for me was more of a "fast walking" and jogging for him was running. So we stopped after two times and I tried it by myself but that was utterly boring in my eyes. So I stopped doing sports all together.

After my pregnancies I had a problem with my abdominal muscles, they were out of shape and I developed a hernia. So doing sports was totally out of the question. I had gained weight during both pregnancies and weighted about 8 kilos more than before becoming pregnant with my first child. I was miserable because I hated looking at my belly and couldn't do anything about it. So in the end I decided to get surgery done to feel like myself again (on top of doing it for medical reasons). But my husband made me promise that I stay in shape afterwards. So as soon as my doc gave me the go I went to the Gym. I loved my new body and shape and I wanted to keep it.

So I started with the beginning of this year and to be hinest, not only my husband was sceptic that I would keep it up but I didn't really think either that I would follow through with it. One of the reasons I never got a membership at a gym was that I thought I would waste my money on a membership and would never go there. So I got a contract that can be cancelled on a monthly base, not a yearly one, despite having to pay a bit more each month.

I admit the first few weeks were hard, I tried to keep it up to go twice a week just like my trainer told me. My muscles were sore and my mood was bad some days becasue I was just exhausted. But it payed off because my gym offers check-ups every 6-8 weeks to see if there is any progress and I have lost a few centimeters around my thighs and my waist and I feel a lot fitter.

I am sooo proud of myself and I even managed to asked my trainer to call a gym in my hometown (it is a franchise) to check if I can switch without a problem after we move (yes, we are moving back to my hometown in a few weeks). That way I am kinda forced to show up there and can not find a million little excuses why I can't go on working out. Now I only have to change a few of my eating habits (Nutella for breakfast, sugar for my coffee, skipping lunch) to lose a bit of weight.

Here is a pic...have to say I LOVE my silhouette!!

Irene

Kickstarter

I am sure a lot of people using the Internet and especially social media platforms have heard of Kickstarter. I actually can't really remember how I came across it, but one day I heard about a Kickstarter Campaign by Zach Braff. To be honest I only know him from Scrubs and haven't really watched any other movies he is in, not even the famous "Garden State", but I plan on doing that soon. His Kickstarter Campaign was for a new movie he wanted to make, together with his brother Adam.

I thought about it for a few days, always checking back on Kickstarter if the financial goal set for the movie would be reached and decided I would chip in some of my hard earned money to fund it. I did expect that there would be some feedback about the movie, but was blown away by how many emails I recieved from Zach and how they set up a website with exclusive Backer Log-In.All those little films they made backstage, all those messages addressed to us, the Backers, those who made it possible. It made me feel special and I could feel how thankful Zach was that we helped with his dream of making that movie.

Anyways, the movie is out in the US and Canada for a while now and I can't wait for it to be out in Europe, too. Check out this exclusive trailer that was send to the backers to share. DAMN I am proud there is some of my money in it,too!!

Irene

#Spoonie

When you live with an invisible illness like Depression it is hard to explain to anyone how it is affecting your life on a daily basis. I have tried oh-so-many times to explain it to my husband, who knows me better that anyone else, why it is difficult for me to go grocery shopping on a regular saturday or why I would rather have him call the health insurance company to ask about something concerning myself because I don't feel like discussing it with them and then maybe starting to cry because it is so difficult for me to put into words how I feel. Just yesterday my mom, who had been on vacation for the last three weeks and therefore missed most of my latest "down phase", asked me why and how it started again after I felt good and only occasionally had a bad day for the last 6 months.

There are a few reasons for the "why it came back" and I tried to explain it to her and until we unfortunately had to end the call apruptly because she had to leave for an appointment, she was asking me a zillion questions and for the first time since this all started I had the feeling she really wants to know and is curious about how it has affected my life. I promised her I would write it down or we can continue the conversation on the phone later and I will tell her about something that I found on the Internet that does explain how it has affected and still affects my life.

I have come across The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. Christine has Lupus and during a conversation with a friend who asked her how living with her invisible illness affects her daily life developed that theory. When I was reading The Spoon Theory I thougth to myself that it is a good way to also explain how I feel. I fortunately don't have to live with constant pain on a daily basis but leading a normal life when you are some days too tired or even scared to leave the house or your energy runs out faster than usually is still difficult.

So if you are interested in reading, go check it out here

Irene

No-Go's

During the last few days I had to deal with a few more not-so-nice mood swings and a serious case of the blues, paired with crying and doubting myself over and over again...just another one of those down phases that had been gone for a while but after one incident (which I don't really want to discuss here) came back. Someone said something and that triggered a whole lot of emotions that upset me and the fact THAT I am so upset by them upsets me even more.

All of this has led to yet another discussion with my husband about my state of mind and my feelings and the fact that those feelings, along with mood swings and anxiety attacks came back unexpected have totally thrown him off and he basically is back to the beginning and unable to help me through it.

Fortunately, some days you come across things online, or by talking to someone, that perfectly fits the situation you are in or that strikes a chord, maybe an article you read or your friend mentioning something that helps you. I have come across a blog because one of my Facebook friends posted a link on their wall. It was a post (well more like two posts) about what or what not to say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness.

I have heard a lot of those phrases before and even though I understand (much like it is also said there) that people only want to help or maybe just want to say ANYTHING and don't know what to say. But most of the time good intentions turn out not to be so good after all.

So her you go, read the things not to say and  the things you should say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness (like depression happens to be).

Feedback is appreciated and I would also be happy about a few nice comments

Irene

Dreams

"LIfe is what happens while you are busy making other plans" - John Lennon

This is going to be hard, not only writing about it but actually realizing it and following through with it in a way that I can look back later and say "I did the right thing"

See, I have had this dream for the last 15 years. Ever since coming back from my Au Pair Year in the USA I dreamed of going back to live in the US, not necessarily forever and ever but at least for a few years. I spent lots of vacations there, in various places and always loved it. Two very good friends of mine moved to live there, one got married to an American here in Europe and moved there with him and one got send there by her company to work, found a guy she loved and stayed and I also have family living there. I've been jealous of them for quite a while, wishing I would have been so lucky to have the opportunity.

The most logical thing to do to make my dream come true eventually was taking part in the annual Green Card Lottery. The first time I did it was back in 2001 I think and I re-entered every year. The odds are like 20:1 or something and I have followed stories of people who won after only two years and some who tried 25 years. Every year I was disappointed but kept hoping I would win.

Then in 2009 my husband almost got the chance to sign a contract with a german Company who wanted to start a business in the US and needed a representative. It would have meant that I will go with him but will not be able to work (due to visa stuff) but as our son was only 6 months old anyways it didn't matter. Unfortunately it didn't work out the way it was planned and we didn't go.

In the end not going sucked but given the fact that I was diagnosed with an early stage of cervical cancer 10 months later it was a good thing we stayed here. Afterwards my life, or more the life of my whole family changed, and it changed a lot. I was sick constantly, in the hospital almost every 6 months, depressed and seeing a therapist. The last 3 1/2 years were hard. And those years have changed me and my focus in life. I don't have a job right now and I actually enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, which was something I always hated, I always said "I didn't study to get a Diploma to stay home and only care for my family". I don't need work right now to be happy and would hate it to constantly try to do the spilts to have enough time for work, kids, household, hubby and myself. My therapist said I shouldn't see myself as a stay-at-home mom, I should call it rehab time. And it will take as long as I need it!

But back to this thing that has happened and that is making me upset. I found out yesterday that I have won the Green Card Lottery this time. Last year I actually didn't intend to take part, I was recovering from my last surgery and I did see the Emails and the letter I got from the Company that handled the process and I let the chances to enter pass one by one. Deadline is usually by the end of October and as I had taken part for the last, I think 12 years they called me a few days before the deadline and asked if I wanted to take part this year. Somehow the guy on the phone talked me into trying again, while I had actually already decided to stop following that dream because I couldn't imagine living so far away from my family anymore because I didn't feel mentally stable enough.

My first reaction should have been "YAY OMG THAT IS AWESOME" but it wasn't, it was more like "DAMN, not right now, why did I take part, can we please postpone it until 2025" I tried to be happy, I wished for at least a tiny bit of excitement...nothing. I almost had a panic attack and wanted to crawl in my bed and cry. I called my best friend and told her and she asked "what should we do now? Be happy or not?" and I didn't know.

To be honest, it sucks. And I cried a lot, I will cry even more over the next few days I am sure. And then I will say goodbye to my dream and let it go. The timing sucks and following through with it will give me more heartache than letting it go, at least that's what I am telling myself right now. My (mental) health is far more important than living 6000 miles away from home because if I am sick it is even harder for friends and family to visit and help. But it gives me this weird feeling of giving up and giving in to those damn voices in my head that are telling me I can't do it.

Burying a dream that is about to come true hurts bad, really fucking bad!!!

Irene

Depression

Yes, you read the right, Depression...it is not only a very mean word, it is also a very mean state of mind one can be in. Being depressed is the worst thing in the whole wide world. And what is even worse, you can't really control it.

It usually starts in your head, a tiny thought pops up in your brain, maybe someone said something, you read something or something caught your attention otherwise which leads to a memory, that leads to another and all of a sudden you remember this really really bad time in your life and it starts a cascade of thoughts that you can not escape.

Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic...you have sworn not to touch alcohol and you avoid it as much as you can, or you have been gambling and lost a lot of money, so you decided not to do it anymore (and avoid going to Vegas on your vacation). No matter what happened, I am sure it is hard not to drink or gamble, but it is possible to avoid those things, e.g. by not spending time in a bar or in Vegas. But how can you escape the thoughts in your head, how can you make sure everyone around you avoids using words or sentences that trigger negative emotions or memories? You can't, and that is making it really hard to overcome a depression. Even though there might be a time in your life when the negative thoughts are kept at bay, be it because life is treating you good or because you are taking medication or maybe you have found a solution to the problem that was causig the negative thoughts, a state of mind in which you feel helpless and lost, sad and overwhelmed with even the tiniest obstacles can always happen again and it will creep up on you in no time.

I have been depressed and it was a horrible time in my life, I barely made it out of bed, I hardly had any appetite and thinking about food made it even worse, I was scared to leave the house, I couldn't do stuff on my own, I started crying out of nowhere and I wasn't able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty for feeling that way, I felt guilty for skipping dinner with them and it took all of my strength and energy to not cry in front of them and to smile when they told me something that made them happy. I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't be happy for my kids and even the slightest argument between them annoyed me to a point where I started yelling because I was so stressed by my own problems.

I have a more than awesome husband and some awesome friends who helped me through that time, I also had a very nice and empathic therapist. I know I have come a long way, I had been in therapy for almost 18 months (with depresson slowly starting even before I started therapy and other health problems I was sick for three years) by the time me and my therapist decided I had recovered enough so I could stop seeing her. That was last October and I have felt extremly good ever since then. Things that seemed unbearable 6 months prior to that date didn't bother me anymore, I could leave the house by myself and even went to some concerts on my own without any negative "I can't do that" feelings beforehand. I took care of my kids and even when my husband ahd to be away overnight for business it was fine.

Well, all of that up until about two weeks ago when I went to see this lady who is my supervisor at the local job center. As I am unemployed right now, due to being sick for such a long time, I need to meet with a supervisor around once every two months. The first time at the beginning of the year I had a very nice guy as a supervisor who completely understood my situation of being a mother and housewife and the fact that I don't really want a job right now as I still feel I need to recover from being sick for the last three years. But somehow the job center reorganized the responsibilities and I got a new supervisor. Now this lady lacks empathy and somehow felt she needed to tell me that I am obligated to apply for as many jobs as possible otherwise they will stop paying unemployment money. She is putting a lot of pressure on me and my still fragile mind which triggered this horrible feeling of being overwhelmed with even the smallest things. She is making me take a course in economics (which I studied ages ago) to "stay fit in the basics" which means I have to drive 45 minutes downtown every day to spend half a day in a classroom with people I don't know, doing stuff I don't want to do. And even though I know it is not the end of the world and most people would say "so what, suck it up and deal with it", for me it's not easy. Pressure is making me nervous and unstable and insecure. And the fact that some lady who doesn't know shit about me thinks she can put that pressure on me is bothering me.

A friend of mine, and my husband too, said I could just see my doc and ask him to write a note saying I am too sick (or not stable enough) to take that course but somehow for me that is cheating. Yes, I feel horrible and the thought of being forced to be there is making me uncomfortable. But I can't avoid anything that is making me cringe forever. At some point I will have to apply for jobs and I will have to sit through uncomfortable situations again. I have always been a fighter, up to the point that I wouldn't let anyone know how bad I was feeling and just sucking it up. I learned the hard way by crashing hard and hitting rock bottom, that no one can be happy and perfect and give 100% all the time and having a bad day, or week or month doesn't make you a bad person or failure. For me admitting and accepting that I am about to hit bottom again after being fine for 6 months is the hardest thing to do and getting this note from my doc would mean that I am not 100% over it but still in the "recovering" phase.

Following through with this course and the obligations is making me uncomfortable because I feel I still need time to be 100% myself again and to be able to really give 100% in whatever job I want to do. I need the freedom to apply for a job on my own terms and conditions to feel good. I can avoid all this by "officially" stating I am still not 100% myself and seeing my doc, but somehow "knowing" that inside of me and therefore living my life the way it is making me feel good and happy right now until I fell better and "officially" telling the world that I still need more time is a difference.

Does that make any sense??

Irene

M.I.A

Missing in Action for three months again, somehow I can't make myself write on a regular basis because I know that almost no one is reading this anyways.

Wish I had some lovely readers to kick my butt once in a while.

Might have to do some shameless self-promoting. Or maybe I am just not meant to be a Blogger.

*sigh*

Irene

P.S. if you are reading this, why don't you leave a comment...yes you, dear reader who accidentally stumbled across my blog...I'd love to hear from you!