Oh Shit

OK, so apparently my little rant that was meant to be kinda private and quasi anonymous because only a handful people read this blog (and I just needed to let of some steam) has been read all over the would,tweeted about and even the Person I addressed it too (Mr. Jared Leto himself) read it and talked to me about it on Twitter. Holy Shit...this was NOT supossed to happen!!! I am in Shock and will never post anything again (just kidding, I just need to overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed and frightened and get used to the fact  that my opinion pissed off some friends) Would totally appreciate Feedback though,even from Non-Fans. 

Irene

Open Letter

I am someone who believes in honesty and speaking your mind and I have my unpopular opinions. But this is my blog so I can rant and speak my mind as much as I want and will do that now.

This will probably never been read by the person I intended to write it to, but maybe by others who agree with me and take comfort in knowing they are not alone with their opinion, even though they might not want to speak their mind as open as I do.

Open Letter to Jared Leto - or my opinion about what has been happening lately:

Dear Jared,
I haven't been around the Echelon very long, I only discovered Mars about two years ago, but I have heard and read a lot about the older days and the beginning of Mars, because I wanted to learn more about the beginning. I regret not knowing Mars earlier, reason number one is because I think your songs might have helped me through tough times in the past like they have helped me in the last few months, reason number two is that I heard your contact to the fans was a lot different than it is now. And it makes me sad that I missed those times.

Don't get me wrong, I admire the way you keep in contact with us, the many little tweets you send, the pictures, letting us in on your projects, it is fascinating to follow you through social media pages, like for example when you are dressed up as Rayon for the new movie or when you post pics of the places you are at. I appreciate that you address things that you think might be a problem and that you actually answer people when you are asked. Asking our opinion is something that makes us feel like we have a saying in the things you do.

While I totally despise people who nag and bother you and are rude and ungrateful, who whine about prices and capitalism and how unfair it is that they can't buy stuff, I have heard that back in the days it was far easier and a lot more fun to meet you just by chance or free of charge. I heard that you actually refused to go on stage if people tried to sell tickets to shows by using your name for it. It was about the fun and not about the money. When you were doing MarsX you actually said you liked the fans the best that showed up with their own homemade shirts and bracelets and stuff, there was no Merch to be sold at extremely high prices.

I totally understand that things change, the bandcrew grows, the fanbase grows, it is more complicated to organize the Tour, more equipment, more expensive Venues because you need bigger ones, because more fans want to see you and lets not forget that everything becomes more expensive every year. I also do understand all of that but in return let me tell you a story, one I think shows that you can do better for less money and make the fans even more happy. At least thats what i felt when I experienced it.

I am a huge fan of another band, it is a german Rock Band called Die Ärzte, they have been around a lot longer than you guys, I think they celebrate 30 years this year. I have been a fan for almost 20 years, and back in the days I bought tickets to all of the shows I could attend, just like I do with Mars now. A few weeks ago I went to one of their Concerts in Bielefeld with a friend. She told me that she had also see Mars there during the TIW-Tour so the size of the Venue is exactly the same. Things that I noticed were, that first of all the fans were so close to the stage that the Drummer was able to hand over the Drumsticks to people in the first row, there was just a very small gap to get the fans out if they needed, I used to be front row back in the days and I remember it felt like almost being on stage. And the Drummer actually came up to the front quite a lot, I think he gave out about 50 sticks, some personally, some by throwing them to the back. They joked and goofed around, they improvised, they did have a setlist I am sure but it looked like they alternated when they felt like it. They returend to the stage twice after saying goodbye and all in all played 3 hours and 15 minutes. They played songs form all their albums, even the really really old ones. And the tickets were pretty cheap. While they don't have a GT I am sure people were able to meet them outside afterwards (we didn't stay). For me it seemed like they had a lot more fun on stage than you guys.

I don't bitch about prices, I would never personally insult you for it, I wouldn't bother you with it. But that doesn't mean I don't have an opinion or that I agree with everything. I personally would love to meet you, to discuss things with you, to have a serious talk and get to know you. Which is one reason why I wouldn't get a GT, because that is not possible with a lot of others in the room and such limited time. Another reason is that prices are not affordable for me and I think they are too high for what you get for it. I understand why people bitch about it, while it is great that you offer it, it gives those who can't afford it the feeling of being left out, of not being loved by you because through prices you refuse them the chance to meet you. It shouldn't be that way, there shouldn't be something that separates the people who get to meet their idol from those you don't get the chance. People - Fans - should be treated equally. We all love you guys the same way, some maybe even more than others. And I don't think those who love you most are the same ones who can afford a GT. The ones who take comfort in your music, those who might have been fucked over by life, have lost jobs, felt like giving up, are hanging on because they believe some day they will meet you and tell you you saved their life, those DO NOT have $400 Bucks for that. The ones who do are the privileged ones, the ones with jobs or parents with good jobs who give that to their kids for christmas or birthdays, or the ones who just want to prove that they are way cooler and then brag about it, some even afford GTs for all shows and then show off...I don't believe you are someone who wants that, that only the privileged ones can afford being around you. And if you changed into a person like that I guess you are really a good actor because the role you play in front of us surely is not the one of a capitalist asshole who only wants the money!

Anyways, I could go on about how I loved the VyRTs and how much I appreciate that I met some really great girls and best friends through Mars and how I can identify with a lot of your songs...all that is true...but as always, when it comes to money things almost always change!!

I still love you and I can't wait to see you in Berlin, hopefully I will run into you by chance and get a picture.

XO,
Irene

Surgery

I know there are not a lot of people reading this and that's fine, I am not a constant blogger and this is more for fun than anything else. But if you are reading this anytime between now and thursday next week, could you please include my family in your thoughts and prayers.

My daughter has a small hole in her heart and needs open-heart surgery next week. I am dying every day a little more thinking about it. I have to be strong and can't start crying in front of her but it is so hard. Plus I am not feeling too well myself...a little depressed by the rapidly approaching fall and the mushy/rainy/windy weather.

I know the weather is probably even worse next month, but can it please be November already and everything went smooth?

Irene

Summer pt. 2

Part two of the recap starts with the day we left to drive back to Munich (and in the end back home to Nuremberg spontaneously because we forgot something we wanted to take). We left around 10 am and were home at 3pm. Watered the plants, had some late lunch and left again around 5 pm. In Munich we had some dinner (yummy Mexican food and Caesars Salad) and then stayed the night at my cousins place. She was nice enough to give us the key because unfortunately they weren’t there that weekend. We crashed around 10 pm because we had to get up at 3 am to be at the airport at 4. The plane was scheduled to leave at 6 am and we had a stopover in Lisbon on our way to Funchal, Madeira. I was a nervous wreck that morning. Not enough sleep plus I already missed my kids a bit plus I absolutely HATE flying after some horrible trip a few years back. So I slept most of the time on the plane to Lisbon (while hubby to lots of nice pictures - fortunately not of me sleeping but only of the scenery) and also on the next flight from Lisbon to Madeira. We arrived around 11 am, got our bags pretty quick and found the shuttle to the hotel in no time. So we arrived at the hotel around 1 pm and had to wait a little before the room was ready (Check-In time was 2 pm). We walked around, sat at the pool for a while and explored the hotel and surroundings a bit. The weather was gorgeous, a little cloudy but still really warm. After getting our room we changed into our swim suits, relaxed a bit on the bed (I even fell asleep for a while) and then went to the pool for two hours before Dinner.

The Hotel (we chose the Melia Madeira Mare) is really nice. Pretty new and modern, the room was big enough and had a small desk, a lounge chair and table, a small balcony (unfortunately for us right next to the humming air condition so we never really sat outside) and a modern bathroom with a bathtub and a toilet that was separated from the rest of the room by a small door (great for privacy). 

We arrived on Sunday and from then until Friday we did…nothing…or mostly nothing. Except walk down to get breakfast around 9 am (on the outside terrace right next to the pool), walk the few meters to the pool at 9:30 am (after a breakfast including fresh fruit, coffee and champagne – every day!), lay in the sun, hop into the pool, lay in the sun some more, walk to the room for a nap, walk back to the pool, walk to the restaurant to have Dinner (right next to the pool again) and walk back to the room to sleep. And all over again the next day. On Tuesday we did change the routine a bit and decided to take a small walk towards Funchal, which was told us is about an hour walk one way. The lady who greeted us told us there is a small farmers market which is nice and traditional and lots to see downtown. So we started around 3:30 pm, it was pretty warm but not too hot. When we got to downtown we were pretty disappointed because most stores were closed even though the signs said that opening hours were until 6 pm or 7 pm. It wasn’t a weekend or a holiday but still, the city was almost empty and the farmers market was…..also closed. So we got some traditional bread at the Marina and walked all the way back. We were back at the Hotel around 6 and had an early Dinner. Afterwards we decided to hit the Gym and the Indoor Pool/Jacuzzi. It was nice and we wanted to do that more often…but somehow didn’t…too lazy…

Friday we called someone to rent a car for the weekend to at least see a bit more of the Island. It isn’t really that big, maybe 50 km east to west and 25 north to south. We wanted to do a west tour and an east tour, driving along the south coast where the hotel was located until we reach the “highway” road that connects the south with the north. There are a lot of small mountain roads, which have been there a long time and are beautiful (scenery wise) and they build a “speedway” that basically runs straight through the middle (north to south) including driving through a 3 km long tunnel (not so beautiful - scenery wise). We took the highway to get to the north fast and then took all the beautiful scenery roads along the West Coast on Saturday and all the beautiful scenery roads along the East Coast on Sunday. It took all day on Saturday and we got back to the hotel around 6pm. We stopped along the way to have some late lunch in a small roadside restaurant on the coast, high up on a cliff with a great view and had some yummy and cheap food (that was like 14 Euros total for both of us). Sunday we drove along the East Coast and stopped on the most eastern part of Madeira. We walked up the cliff to take some pictures and all of a sudden I saw a few small lizards running over the sand and stones, they came out of the small holes in between and in no time we were surrounded by at least 8 of them. They didn’t really seem scared. I was only wearing flip-flops and while hubby took a picture I felt something on my foot. I screamed and jumped, almost kicking my flip-flop off the cliff because one of the small beasts nibbled on my toe. I have never seen anything like that, usually the run away as soon as they feel the ground vibrate. It was just totally weird.

We were back earlier than we thought and so we stopped at the “Mall” we had passed the day before, originally just to buy some souvenirs for the kids and maybe some ice cream but in the end I was the proud owner of some new, sexy underwear and a pair of gorgeous new High Heels (that will probably kill my feet one day). Sunday evening we started packing because we would be picked up at 3:20 am on Tuesday morning and we wanted to enjoy Monday evening without any hassle of packing, plus we wanted to sleep early. I also had to get up even earlier than hubby because I had decided to take part in another VyRT-Livestream by my favorite band which happened to start at 1 am that night. So I went to bed around 10 pm, got up a little after 1 am, watched about 2 hours of the livestream and we were picked up for the airport in the middle of the night. Arrived at the airport a little before 4 am, the Check-In wasn’t even open yet and then had to wait until 5 before we could board. The plane left at 6 and we had a stopover in Lisbon again (at 7:30 *yawn*). Finally arrived in Munich at 1 pm, got the car and drove back down to Italy. Got there around 5 pm, after being up 12 hours, dealt with some really hyper kids, who were glad to have us back and fell into bed at 9:30 pm.

Stay tuned for the Rest...

Irene

Summer pt. 1

Here is part one of the recap of our Summer Vacation 2012. 

This year we did something totally different than usual. We went to Italy, or rather South Tyrol, which is the northern, still German speaking, part of Italy. We usually spend our Easter vacation there but this year we had other plans for Easter and so we went there in the summer. The other difference was that we went there with my parents and right in the middle of the three weeks we left the kids alone with the Grandparents and us (the parents) drove back to Munich to catch a flight to Madeira, Portugal for 9 days. At the end of those days we drove back down to Italy to pick up the Kids and Grandparents again and spend another few days there.

So on a Monday we started around noon to drive down from Nuremberg, about 4 hours, past Munich and through Austria, over the Brenner Autobahn to Meran and from there up the mountains to the Hotel we always stay at and at which I already stayed at with my parents when I was about the age of my kids. The family knows us and it always is like coming home. I played on the playground with the “kids” who now run the place, still supported by their parents, now grandparents. And my kids play with their (grand)kids and who knows if they will still come here once they are grown-up.

The first day we just unpacked, went for dinner and had some wine on the balcony of our room later before heading to bed. The next morning the “Grandpa” of the house offered to lead a group of interested guest on a mountain walk/hike and hubby and my dad took the kids so me and my mom could chat and relax all day. We talked and had some yummy lunch before heading down to Meran for some shopping. We all came back around the same time for dinner.

Dinner is always something there; it’s a small celebration every night. In the morning they hand you a piece of paper with the Menu of the day, always consisting of a 5 Course Menu, the first Course is usually a salad, which you can choose yourself from the salad bar and the dressings are delicious. The second course is a small course/appetizer, a small piece of lasagna, or baked Veggies with parmesan cheese or maybe a shrimp cocktail, the third Course is either some Juice/fruity Cocktail or a soup, the main Course is meat or fish, or two different kinds of Meats to choose from, or Meat or Veggie, the last Course is Dessert. Most of the time (except a few days like Sundays and Holidays) you have a choice for the 2^nd/3^rd and Main Course. So every morning you make a cross next to the stuff you want to eat for Dinner. And the Dinner always lasts about two hours (and usually includes at least one bottle of wine if not more). I regularly gain weight when we stay there because on top of a 5 Course Dinner they also have great Cakes and the yummiest Apfelstrudel you can imagine. That, plus the opportunity to NOT do anything except lay in the sun and relax doesn’t really help with keeping your weight.

The second day we drove to a small hotel/ restaurant up on the other side of the valley which we usually visit while there, it has a great view of the mountains and some good food. The have a big lawn, some swings and a small sandbox for the kids. It is always crowded with people hiking up there (or if they are lazy like us, driving up) so we went early to get a good spot on the sun terrace. The kids played and we read or relaxed in the sun, had some yummy lunch (Spinat-/Käseknödel – Spinach/Cheese Dumplings with brown butter and parmesan cheese).

The next day (Thursday) we went to do something we always do while there, we hiked up to a small Castle which is now a tourist spot, including a small “restaurant” (Burgschänke) and tourists can learn Archery there (you can rent bows and arrows). It is usually a nice, but at some parts steep walk/hike, about 45 minutes. But you have a great view into the Valley and over Bozen and the Dolomite Alps. Unfortunately, after it was about 28 degrees Celcius and really sunny when we started, it became grey/dark pretty quick and about 10 minutes before we arrived it started raining and we heard thunder. So we had to hurry (up a steep hill, on really wet stone/concrete) but ended up being soaked to the bone once we arrived. This was a first for us but they seemed to be prepared because they opened up the little repair shop they have for the bows and arrows (it’s really warm inside) and the big dining room (which is usually closed in the summer because everyone sits outside in the sun). And they handed out towels so we could dry off the kids and wrap them into a towel and hubbys warm sweater which he had packed (for whatever reason). As soon as the sun was out again we placed our socks and shoes in the sun and waited while we had something to eat and drink. By the time we walked back down 3 hours later most of it was dry again. Afterwards my parents took the kids back to the hotel while hubby and I went to Bozen for some quick shopping (I needed my fix of some of my favorite nailpolish – KIKO Milano – and I haven’t found a shop anywhere else yet, except Meran).

On Friday everyone except me went on another walk/hike, even my mom who has problems with her knees decided to take part but I was kinda lazy. I did regret it about 30 minutes after they had left because I was pretty bored and mad at myself for being lazy but then I decided I would just take a nap (about 2 hours after getting up but oh well). I had promised them to pick them up at the end so they didn’t have to walk back, at least not the kids and my mom, I knew my dad and hubby would probably want to also walk all the way back to the parking area where they started. So after an hour nap and a shower I drove to pick them up and the afternoon was spend on the playground with the kids until the rest of the gang was back and we had the last dinner together before we would leave the next morning to drive to Munich and to fly to Madeira the day after.

The kids were totally excited and asked almost every day if we would leave (“are you leaving TODAY? When are you gonna leave us alone with Grandpa and Grandma?? Is today the day you leave?”) because my mom had promised they would get some pocket money every day, just enough to buy some ice cream or sweets, as soon as we left. Needless to say they wanted us to leave immediately after she told them the first day! 

Next up is our kids-free vacation on Madeira...stay tuned!

Irene

Opinions

Well, I neglected this personal space for a while but that was just because nothing really important happened, or if something important happened it was something regarding friends and their personal life and I didn't want to share it here even though it involved me.

But the last few days and especially today I witnessed something and I feel that I need to write down and share my personal opinion about it.

This is actually a post in which I share my "personal opinion" about people who share their "personal opinion" online in a not so very nice way or can not deal with other people sharing their "personal opinion" openly because they disagree. This is all about conversations online and I do acknowledge that online you have to be really careful about what you write and how you write it, taking into account that people might understand you wrong. But you also have to take into consideration that everyone is entitled to their own opinon, just like the saying "to live and let live"

*warning* this post includes my own, sarcastic, sometimes maybe even rude and unfiltered opinion, it might also include inappropriate language and could be offensive.

I know that, if a random group of people, who don't know each other at all or not very well or are just in the process of getting to know each other meet, be it online or in real life, there are almost as many different opinions as there are people involved and naturally you don't agree and get along with everyone. If, for example, you are stuck into a project team at work and you have to find a solution or work together on something, you always need to either be persistent to actually be able to input your idea into the final result or you can also decide you want to spare the hassle and just agree with whatever the others decide. It is your own decision if and how much other opinions matter to you, if you want to pick a fight over them or if you just let them go.

Same goes for Playgroups you might attend with your kids (and the opinions of all the other moms about "how to raise your kids the right way"), online Forums (maybe discussing the best way to build a customize computer or how to pimp your smartphone) and groups of Fans/Fandoms (arguing about who is the hottest actor in the newest Blockbuster Movie or the best lead singer of their favourite band)

I am part of the Echelon, the Fan Group for the Band 30 Seconds to Mars. The Name "Echelon" was actually invented by the Band itself, giving their Fan Base a Name so everyone could identify themselves with the Band, there are other Bands and Artist, like Lady Gaga, who calls their Fans "little Monster". So as a Fan of Mars you consider yourself an Echelon most of the time...or at least you should...but that's where the actual problem lies.

Who defines what makes you an Echelon, who says you can only be one if you do this and don't do that. Becoming an Echelon does not inculde going to some school, taking a test and getting a Diploma, you can't NOT become an Echelon because you lack certain skills. Being an Echelon for me kind of is like being a Christian. Some Christians go to church every sunday, some pray before Dinner, some only go to church on Christmas, some wear a cross, some read the Bible every Day.

There are a lot of Members of the Echelon who have a certain opinion about how you have to be, what you have to do and especially what you shouldn't do. Some take it extremely serious and get upset when someone doesn't behave according to their way of thinking. On top of that there are (mostly) girls who are just Fans of Jared or Shannon Leto because they look good, or who don't want anything but a piece of the fame and who would do anything to be seen with them or to be recognized by them or to spend a night with them. Those are called Fangirls and according to some Echelon they can NEVER be an Echelon because Echelon DON'T fangirl!

Now with the Band being on a Break from Touring, spending time at home to record a new Album (amongst oher things like goofing around, setting their kitchen on fire, growing beards and hanging with groupies) the Number One Indicator to show that you are a real Echelon (attending as many Concerts as possible and freezing your butt off in front of the Venue afterwards, as well as spending an insane amount of money for a Golden Ticket) is not something that can be easily done. Plus the absense (sometimes even over a longer period of time like a week or two) of the Boys and no real News, leads to boredom among the Echelon. Which leads to (long overdue or NOT necessary at all) discussions about the real meaning of "Echelon". There was even a Conference held in Portugal to learn more about how to be the perfect Echelon and what to do and avoid and what all the different symbols mean (and then we are mad when someone calls us a Sect/Cult) ;)

Anyways, boredom has struck the Echelon and the Fangirls so they start to pick (unfair) fights with each other. Fangirls think Echelon are weird Freaks and Echelon think Fangirls are slutty Bitches. Some (on either side) unfortunately lack a sense of Humor, the skill to read Sarcasm and the ability to accept other opinions. Some (depending on their age - most of them are teens) are just too young to know the difference between a sarcastic comment and a real opinion. Those are the ones who will start crying if you say anything (seamingly) bad about any one of the three guys. Some can not take criticism, be it towards them and their opinion or (even worse) towards something one of the guys from the band said or did. And I am right in the middle of it and enjoying the show.

I would consider myself an Echelon, I love the Band, I love how they helped me through tough times, I am grateful because I met so many great people through my Band Forums, even one or two I would actually consider real good (or best) friends now, their music helps me when I am sad or mad about something, some songs include Lyrics describing my feelings so well, better than I can do it. The Guys make me laugh when they tweet goofy stuff, they are inspiring, Jared is a great person who cares a lot about his Fans I think (without knowing him or ever meeting him personally - yet), Tomo can always make people smile and seems to be a very sweet guy and Shannon, well Shannon is just plain hot with his tattoos and muscles.

See and that's where we enter the Twilight-Zone...I called him a "hot piece of ass" which basically degrades me from "Echelon" to "Fangirl"...because I think of them as "hot pieces of ass with a great voice" instead of "inspiring Drummer or Band Leader whose sole fate it is to use his popularity to save the world". I have a few Friends among the Echelon/Fangirls, some I only know online, some I also know in real Life, some I met online and they became real Life friends. We are all about the same age, grown -up enough to be able to understand sarcasm, to not be offended if somone doesn't share our opinion and old enough to not take everything too serious. We gossip, we crack our jokes and we laugh about 15 year-olds who cry over pictures of Jared holding hands with random women (because they want him to be single so he "might" consider dating a Fan anytime in the future and "maybe he will wait until they are old enough" - not realizing that he is 40 already) and who think their world will end when Shannon is seen flirting with someone. We do not take being an Echelon way too serious, it is not a religion, more like a way of life and a way to share your love of music and your sense of humor with people like you.

Unfortunately there are some other members of the so-called "Echelon-Family" who do not tolerate it when we do that and have our fun with it and they are annoyed and offended and that causes trouble among the Echelon which is just plain annoying. Everyone is entitled to have their own opinion, there should be Freedom of Speech, even online and you should respect others. I don't get offended if someone thinks I am (and calls me) a Fangirl...(because it's probably true) and I don't cry myself to sleep when I get messages with rude Comments. But then I also want to have the opportunity to openly say/write what I think.

As I said: "Live and let Live" or "Don't take everything too serious" or "Life is too short to fight over little things"

So there you have it...my honest opinion...now go over to Twitter or FB and feel free to unfriend me if you disagree.

Irene

Inked

Me and my friend Petra got matching Tattoos two weeks ago, I got mine on my ankle and she got it on her wrist...I sooo love having a friendship Tattoo...it means a lot to me :)

Rock Chick Tattoo

Irene

Fifty Shades...

Well, well...writing some kind of book review...that's a total first for me. Maybe it won't even be a review, more like a gathering of my thoughts about a book that had me intrigued from the minute I heard about it, that has been a must-read for most of my friends lately (and also a lot of women around the world apparently) and that has kept me reading the last day and a half no matter what happened around me (and so I am already 2/3 finished with the first book of the trilogy).

50 Shades of Grey...what is there to say about it? It's weird, it's sooo far out of my ordinary, it's about a topic that has me fascinated, speechless and leaves me with a weird feeling in my stomach, well, maybe even more than one feeling. At times I am intrigued, at times I am appalled, shocked and then sometimes I have this warm and fuzzy feeling when something unexpected happens, when the main character behaves like a normal human being, putting aside his strange manners and learns that there is more in a relationship than force and whips and restraints. I guess it wouldn't be as bad as it is if this was purely fiction. I mean, yes, this story is purely fiction, while the topic it is about is not. BDSM is something no one really talks about, it is something dark and dirty for most people. No one would probably openly admit they do it or like it or are actually turned on by it. I would, and hereby do. It has me intrigued to a point were I would actually want to try it, only for a day or so, but still.

It is weird, yes. But it is also quite fascinating. Why would people actually enter a BDSM relationship, why would someone want to be a Dominant, or even more so be a Submissive. What has to happen in the life of a regular human being to make him or her into someone who can only enjoy sex if it is on his/her terms, if it includes tying someone else up, forcing them to do everything they want, exercising power over them. How does someone become a Submissive, letting people decide for them, willingly doing whatever is asked of them. Is everyone born with the tendency to become one or the other or does it stem from our education and the way we are treated by our parents and surroundings.

I have always been someone who can openly talk about sex, I don't usually chicken out of a discussion about it. If I know the other person enough to trust them I will openly talk about it. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, it's a normal thing most grown-ups do regularly. I admit that BDSM is a special kind of it, one that is out of the ordinary, something that is probably not done on a regular basis. It is however, at least for me, a very fascinating kind of sex.

This book, along with other stories I have read that are about similar things, is the weirdest thing I have read in a while, yet it is one of the only books that has me glued to it's pages, no matter what happens, no matter if my kids empty sand out of their box on the lawn, destroy everything in the backyard or fight over toys. Nothing will keep me away from reading and I am utterly frustrated if I have to put it down to eat or to go to work, sleep or keep my kids from killing each other (or blog for that matter).

I suggest you read it, let it fascinate you, enter the strange world of Mr. Grey and let him change your view of something normal, ordinary or even dull (if that's how your sex life is at times). And I also suggest you bring a set of strong nerves because it can be overwhelming at times, especially if you keep in mind that, while Mr. Grey and Ana are fictional, the topic is not.

Please let me know what you think about it, I am intrigued. And feel free to imagine Mr. Grey to be anyone you like, for me I have someone in my mind that had me intrigued and fascinated even before I read the books and that I could imagine being a lot like Grey in real life...and that makes reading it even more realistic.

Irene

Over-Thinking

I have a serious problem that almost every day gets me into trouble of some kind: I tend to over-think everything, things I did, situations, things someone said, things that happened...I always try to find reasons or solutions. When I read something I think about it a lot if it catches my attention. Some nights I lie in bed, trying to sleep but my brain won't shut up no matter what.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about life, past, present and future, mostly my past because some things from it are giving me a hard time right now. As I have mentioned before I was sick a while ago, I had to have two small surgeries and more than once a doctor said the words "cancer" and "possible" and I even heard "hysterectomy" (which means surgery to remove the uterus - fortunately I was spared from that one). All of that plus some things that I had buried deep inside my mind and that found their way out eventually led to a light case of depression. Light, but still enough to affect my daily life and my family so i went to get help.

Now the worst thing when you are depressed and having a bad day is...thinking about it. Which, more often then not, is making it even worse. You get caught up in a circle of thinking about they why's and what if's and even if you know that you could get out of it you don't know how or have not power to do it. Those days I usually try to avoid being online. I seem to not be able to stand either others being happy or others being as sad as I am or worse.

During the last few months I have noticed something else being online, maybe it is just the people around me but I doubt it. More and more people are not feeling happy, regularly, even on a daily basis. I know so many people who have experienced Depression or feel they are close to a Burn Out. Not only people who work but also Mom's I know, who are exhausted with taking care of the kids, household, daily chores and more and mostly Mom's who also work part-time besides doing household things. I mean this is probably not different than it was when I was a kid but nowadays with all the social networking, Twitter, Tumblr or Blogs you hear about it more and more. People feel safe talking about it semi-anonymous on the internet (like me). Maybe to get it out of their heads or to seek help from they online friends, maybe because if you online know someone online it is easier to open up to them. I read somewhere that by 2020 Depresson will be the second most common health problem worldwide...scary, huh?!

What surprised me (and scared me at the same time) is how many young people are affected. Especially on Tumblr, where you can "hide" behind a screenname, post anonymously and don't need to tell anyone who you are and where you are from, people post pictures, quotes, gifs and stories that are sometimes serioulsy messed up. Pictures of self-harm, stories about how they are the victim of mobbing in school, quotes saying something along the lines of "just disappearing and wondering if anyone notices". In between posting of concerned people posting the phone numbers of suicides hotlines or newspaper clippings of kids who commited suicide, kids that are sometimes not older than 14 or 15.

Seriously, has that become more since I was 14 or 15 or is it the same, just more commonly known and "into our faces" because of above mentioned social networks? I mean I wasn't the happiest kid in school, I wasn't popular, I didn't wear designer clothes, my parents were not rich (even though I went to the "rich kids" school because we lived on the edge of the school district), I was a nerd, always running around reading books and listening to music on my walkman and I was slightly overweight. I didn't have a lot of friends and my best friend didn't even go to my school, so I was all alone during the (school) day. I mostly kept to myself, I was bullied sometimes but I stood up for myself if necessary. I didn't pick fights but I also didn't avoid them if someone said something mean. I know I heard that bullying/mobbing has become more severe in schools but is so bad that kids actually think about hurting/killing themselves? No matter how bad it was, that thought seriously never crossed my mind when I was a teen. Going through that phase of my life wasn't easy, I am sure I cried myself to sleep a few times (but I don't remember it vividly so i guess it wasn't traumatizing) but I got over it. I became a stronger person. Yes, I envied those kids with rich parents, who always got what they wanted and were popular even though they didn't do anything except walk around in designer clothes. Most of them weren't even nice people, they were mostly arrogant and didn't care about anyone then themselves. Still everyone wanted to be friends with them. I wonder what happened to them, did they succeed in life? Did they ever have to struggle in their work life? Or did it all come easy to them, like it did in school.

As I said, I know from experience, that being "un"popular during High School can be tough, but did it become "tougher" over the last 15 years or did the teens just become more whiny and pampered by their parents? Do we tend to keep our kids away too much from the struggles so they don't know how it feels? I hope I will find a good middle when I raise my kids...not too strict and hard, so they don't end up bullying others but also not to soft, so others will be able to hurt them.

Well, these are my two cents about the whole thing!

Irene

Keeper

I am a Keeper, meaning that I am a Person who likes to keep things from all kinds of trips or things I do. I wouldn't go as far as saying I hoard, but I hate to throw things away, it makes my sad and I have a hard time doing it. I keep ticket stubs and postcards, booklets, street maps and a lot more. My hubby doesn't really like it and if I wouldn't snatch them before he gets to them I would probably find them in the trash or the stack of papers who are going into recycling. I have a box full of things from my past, a box full of letters, one with old journals and diaries, one with Photos and one from various vacation trips. I have a few Albums full of pictures, ticket stubs and booklets from the first trips with my parents to the USA and my first vacation alone without parents.

What I somehow rejected was keeping track of the old music I used to listen too. I think because of YouTube and MP3 and being able to download anything and everything, I have so many CD's but I haven't listened to actual CD's for a while. A few days ago I heard a livestream from a band I really liked a few years back (and still like) and it brought back memories, so I dug out my boxes with old things and sat down, listening to the old songs and going through my old stuff. I found old diaries and pictures and Posters that used to hang on my walls. The oldest one was from my first Open Air Show...I saw Guns n' Roses live when I was 14 and I have a poster I peeled off a wall on my way home and it hung over my bed during my teen years. I also found two Nirvana Posters.Still looking for the huge picture of Axl Rose I had.

A nice trip down Memory Lane though and I think I have to do that more often!

Irene

Baggage

In the last few months I have come to realize, that I obviously carry around a lot of emotional baggage, most of it pretty much buried deep inside of me but unfortunately some choices I (conciously, without knowing it would affect me) made in my life and things that happened because of that made those feelings surface and now I have to deal with it. Why this happened and why now and why it is affecting me so much is yet to be found out, I will see someone to help me dig a little deeper to find out. Maybe it has something to do with being really sick for a while and not getting better as fast as I expected and wanted or maybe I am just overwhelmed with all the changes that came with going back to work part-time, maybe I just tried to be stronger than I mentally and physically was a little too hard so my family wouldn't be affected by me not being able to give 100%.

I have been thinking a lot about my past and the present and also about the future. There are a few things I did in my past that I am not really proud of, but I think everyone has those in their life, some choices I made were not the best and yet I ended up with a loving husband, two kids, enough money, a nice house to live in and a good job. I just have to deal with accepting the bad choices as a part of my past that is over and is not affecting my present and future. I have to accept that I am now a different person and that people like me, no matter what I did in my past (mostly before they even knew me). It's just me not getting over a stupid phase in my life.

I know the chances of me falling back into the habits I had during my teens and in my twenties are close to zero, I won't go back to partying all weekend and sleeping through days when I was supposed to work. But somehow the fear of that happening against all odds (and it affecting my family) is in my head and keeping me from having even the tiniest bit of (harmless) fun. And I need to deal with that or I won't be able to go out with friends anymore without having anxiety attacks.

The first step I took was getting rid of some of my old clothes, stuff that don't fit me anymore after gaining a few pounds during the pregnancies or things that I won't wear again anyways because they are not my style anymore (and things I can't believe I really EVER did wear, they looked so damn ridiculous). I managed to sort out a whole bag full of stuff and now I feel a bit better.

Irene

Easter

Well, this year we had a pretty different Easter. Usually we spend it in South Tyrol with my parents, but this year my parents had planned something different and we didn't really have the time to go, so we spent it at home without the kids. My parents had offered to babysit them for a week during their Easter vacation and it kind of only worked out the week before Easter and over the Easter weekend. So before leaving them at my parents we spent some days with them in a Family Park (Center Parks), where we rented a small house, completely with our own Sauna the weekend before Easter. We spent a lot of time in the huge Pool Area, went to playgrounds, cooked together, let them watch a lot of TV and spoiled them with Candy before we drove up to my parents to drop them off. We had planned to spend the week without them in a nice Wellness Hotel or maybe take a Last Minute flight to some nice destination, but unfortunately I wasn't feeling well so we had to go back home so I could see a doctor and in the end just stayed home for the week. Hubby spend a lot of time working in our backyard, fixing his motorbike to get it ready for the summer, got my car through the necessary inspection, went out for breakfast a few times and went downtown to stroll around and go shopping without a hurry and without the kids in tow. I spend most of the time on the couch, watching TV, relaxing and actually managed to read a whole book (which hasn't happened in a long time). We went out to a Car Show with a friend on Easter Sunday and walked around checking out lots of pimped out Cars and guys showing off.their rides. It was nice to have some time for ourselves, no kids around, no one who always wants or needs your attention, staying in bed past 8 am and no one who wakes you up because they jump on your bed.

We picked them up today from my parents and now we are back to normal. They had a great time at the grandparents and I hope we can repeat this anytime soon, it was so nice to relax.

Irene

Friendship

I've had a few very close friendships, some long lasting and some rather short. All of them have been different and I've learned a lot of things from them. I've lost friends and I have found friends and I have lost friends and then found them again. I know every friendship is different, I know people are different and while with some people you hit it off right away and be friends forever, you sometimes meet people and think they are someone you could be friends with and then something happens and you question everything. Or you dislike each other first and then become best friends. I have also learned that you can become friends with people on the internet, you can meet people online and hit it off right away even in real life, or you meet people online and in real life you don't get along. Everything is possible. I hate it when friendships end, I don't like losing people I care about and what I hate even more is people acting all weird and I don't even know why.

I believe that you always have to take the people you meet the way they are, everyone has weird habits, sometimes you meet people who lead a totally different lifestyle than you and while you have some things in common you might find a few things that you would do differently. To make it work between friends you will need patience, you need to understand each other and you need to take into account that everyone is different.

I met a girl, lets call her P, we hit it off right away and got along great, I really liked her because she was so energetic, she always babbled and smiled and cheered me up when I was in a bad mood. When I won a concert ticket for France she didn't think twice to buy one for herself and come with me, she convinced me to come to Vienna for that great party and it was one of the best nights in my life, we talked on the phone almost every week and she also spent New Years at my house. I thought I had found a good friend in her. It didn't matter that she was single with no kids, leading a totally different lifestyle. We had our love for 30 Seconds to Mars in common and we also were friends with some other girls from our group. While she also became good friends with others I did the same thing, which is normal and shouldn't be a problem, I would think, I mean I am not supposed to be exclusively her friend.

The last two months were not so easy for her, she had problems with her job and was complaining about it, wanting to find a better one and when I stumbled upon a job ad online I send it to her, I even asked my boss if she could apply at our company. At some point she had started volunteering to work for a Street Team, doing promotional work for Parties and was really involved in it, so the constant phone calls grew fewer. I didn't mind that at all, I don't always feel like talking on the phone after a busy day, sometimes I don't have the time because the kids refuse to go to bed, sometimes I just want to spent time with my hubby. What kind of bothered me was that when I asked her if she had applied at the job I found she said no, she hadn't found the time, yet she was online until late, even after midnight, chatting. Not that it is any of my business how she spends her time, it just struck me as weird that she was constantly complaining about being mobbed at work, but she was so busy with whatever that she didn't look for anything else. But as I said, different people, different lifestyles. I did tease her a bit and told her she should better find something new instead of spending her nights chatting online. I do care about her and wanted her to be happy. I also noticed she was a bit carefree with her money, throwing it around without really having it and always complaining she was broke. Which led to the point where she couldn't come to my see me for my birthday party, because she couldn't afford the train ticket. I was sad and tried to arrange it that I would pick her up (it's about a 1 1/2 hour drive one way), so she only had to pay one way to go back. But even that wasn't manageable, so she didn't come. But again, it wasn't my business and I tried to take her the way she was because aside from the weird habits, I really liked her.

Things started to become weird when I became friends with another girl, we got along good because at some point we found out that we have something in common, we both like to write fictional stories, so we would talk online about the stories. She wanted to read mine and so I sent her bits and pieces and told her how much I like hers, while she gave me feedback about mine. About three weeks ago P told me she was a bit jealous that I hadn't asked her if she also wanted to read my story, so I sent it to her, waiting for feedback, which never came. It struck me as odd, but I guessed she was busy. I was also busy at work and hubby was gone for a few days which meant I had the kids all for myself, so P and I didn't really talk on the phone and just randomly send each other messages on FB and Twitter. Nothing that really bothered me, I don't have to be in constant contact with my friends on a daily basis. My best friend lives in Chicago and we barely talk, sometimes we even forget each others birthdays. I miss her dearly but I know we will always be friends, even if we only talk twice a year.

However at some point I send P a message telling her that we hadn't talked in a while and that it made me sad. Her answer was short "yep, dito"...I sensed that she was mad and asked if I did something wrong, telling her sorry, that I had been busy and also sick with the flu. Her answer was something along the lines that even with being busy and sick I still am actively "talking" on Twitter to anyone but her. Now I knew she was pissed but I had no idea why and thought ignoring it would be the best, she would eventuelly calm down. A few days later she openly posted something on her FB-Wall, not saying my name but stating that she was annoyed by "some people" who never bother to call, yet smalltalk with everyone on Twitter while telling her excuses why they are busy. I vented about it to my other friend, telling her I knew P was jealous because we got along so great, also telling her that she had asked to read my story (actually she had put it kind of like "I am sooo jealous that you gave it to her, I feel sooo left out, you are soo mean" on the phone, making me fell bad for not asking her). The story is something I have put a lot of work into and care about a lot, and then she NEVER bothered to ever read past the first page (P told me) and never gave me any feedback. A few more things were also involved in making me mad at her, the fact that she told me she was too broke to come see me, but bought a train ticket to Hamburg a few days later, to meet other Fans there, which basically means that she lied to me about her being broke. Telling me that she can see me on twitter, never bothering to say hi but then complaining when I tweet others. That I never bother to reply to her "group" messages (she sends "Good morning" tweets to everyone, something I really DO NOT have the time for with two kids in the morning)

I gave it a few days, also taking the advice from hubby and my friend to wait if she would call or send a message directly to me and then wrote her a long message, explaining my point of view, telling her I was really sick (had a migraine that lasted a few days) and that I am busy, telling her that she still means a lot to me even though I don't have the time to call. I will gladly chat/skype/talk on twitter, because that is something I can do while helping my kids clean up, while making dinner or when they take a bath. I however can not chat on the phone because I know my kids will destroy the house if the know I am distracted. She didn't care and wouldn't accept my apologies. I told her that, if we still want to be friends, we would have to accept each other the way we are.

I do believe in honesty, sometimes even to the point were I have lost friends for being too honest. I don't believe in faking things or lying. I can cope with a lot of things and will put up with shit to a point were it is not even funny anymore. I will never argue about random things or make a fuss about something not important, like how often my friend talks to others or them not calling me even if I know they could. Those are things that for me are not important enough to argue about. I do however think that you have to honestly say what bothers you if it really makes you unhappy. So I did. I told her that, in order to stay friends, I would probably have to accept that she rather spends her money on other things than seeing me, but she would have to accept that I do not have the time to constantly call her or talk on the phone with her because I have two kids. And that I still like her a lot even if we only talk on the phone once a month and the rest of the time is spent talking on FB or Twitter. It works with all my other friends.

I got a message back from her in which she said she would start talking to me again "as soon as I check back into reality because what I ask of her is incredibly ridiculous"...which is something that probably brought it to a point past which I still want to be friends with her. I am just sad because I miss her and I would have never expected her to behave like that. I know she is just jealous, but I don't know why, It kind of feels like she thought she was the only one allowed to own me as a friend.

Irene

random

*sigh* *going to randomly rant on here so be prepared*
I know I have neglected my blog and I am seriously mad at myself for that but right now not many people are reading this anyways so it's not that bad. I just don't find the time and if I have some spare time I just don't feel like blogging and to be honest, I don't even know what to blog about. My life is way to normal and boring to fill a blog post with it every other day. I basically get up, got to work, eat, plop down on the couch and surf the internet or do laundry or clean, pick up my kids from the kindergarten, we have coffee, play, eat dinner, put them into bed, watch TV and sleep...and I do that every day, except on the weekends were I either lounge around or clean or fight with my kids because they want to watch TV all day, sometimes we go shopping, sometimes we visit friends. I haven't been out to watch a movie in...I don't even know when it was last time, it's been forever.
Last weekend we drove up north to see my parents and they were so nice to babysit during the day so me and hubby went to the Mall to shop for clothes, have a coffee and relax all by ourselves for an afternoon. Unfortunately we don't have family close to us and even though we have friends here, most of them have their own lives and kids and the ones who don't, only occasionally feel like babysitting our kids, like once every few months. I would love to go to the movies again, even saw a commercial on TV for a movie I would love to see. A while ago I told my hubby I wanted to see a movie of which we had seen a preview the last time we went to the movies, I checked to see if it was still playing and found it had been in theaters 4 months ago... :( which meant we hadn't been out for at least 5 months.
I don't even know what exactly I do to waste my time, I get up in the morning, blink a few times and all of a sudden it is 7:30 pm and time to put the kids to bed. I wish I was organized enough to plan my days and then actually follow through with things, like maybe taking the kids to a museum. I really need to make an appointment for the regular check-up at the doc for the kids, my son needs his first appointment at the dentist (our health care company is so nice and sends out reminders for us, he is turning 3 and that's the first time you have to go). We actually managed to go to get a haircut with the kids and my stylist squuezed me in at the end to get a trim but without any colour, I need to go back for that...soon, if I find the time. She said I should come every 6 weeks in order to get my hair back to it's healthy, pre-pregnancy state, I usually make it every 3 or 4 months.
I do like the fact that I have a job now, I enjoy working, it's nice for a change, I would probably go nuts if I was still home all day, but working also takes away so much of my time. I usually work 4 hours a day but the last few weeks I worked overtime because we had a project that needed to be finished. I even worked a few hours on a saturday to finish contracts that needed to be send out. My boss always tells me I am doing a good job, he likes it that I put so much effort in my work and I like my work. It is just taking away so much of the time I need for myself to relax, to be able to focus on my family. The worst days are the ones when my hubby is gone over night and I can't even relax a bit when the kids are home because I need to care for them alone. Add some serious case of winter depressions because the temperatures dropped to -20° Celcius and a) I am freezing all the time, even inside  b) there is no way I can go outside to play with the kids in the afternoon and c) I freeze my ass off in the morning trying to scrape all the ice off my car only to learn it won't start because the battery is dead or my windows are frozen from the inside! I love snow, it's so pretty to watch and take pictures off - from inside my livingroom - but I hate the cold. If I ever get that change to move to some other country (like maybe the US) I will definitely move to either California or Florida (or at least anything south of South Carolina).

I guess I could go on and rant even more about how much I dislike my life, how much I really want to loose some weight and how much I want to get more organized right now but I don't want to scare away the few people reading this so I will stop here. :) If you have some encouraging words I would totally appreciate them.

Irene

Christmas and New Years

I know it's waaay late for a Christmas and New Years recap and I won't bore you with a detailed post about how we spend Christmas at my parents and New Years at home with a bunch of our friends, I will just show you some pictures I (or someone else in case I am in them) took with one of my wonderful Christmas presents. I got a DLSR, a Canon EOS 600D. Great Camera but I think it will take a lifetime to learn about every function that camera has. And even longer if you don't really have the time to get into it.

Irene

 Christmas Tree at my parents

Me

We made Borscht (Ukrainian red beet soup/stew - yummy!)

Sunset at my grandparents-in-law

on the way home

cake I made as dessert for New Years - surprise on the inside :)

Food

Dessert - Cake, Tiramisu and Mixed Berry Joghurt

Piece of Cake :)

inside of the Cake - Rainbow Cake

sparkles

midnight - Happy New Year 2012!