Friendship

I've had a few very close friendships, some long lasting and some rather short. All of them have been different and I've learned a lot of things from them. I've lost friends and I have found friends and I have lost friends and then found them again. I know every friendship is different, I know people are different and while with some people you hit it off right away and be friends forever, you sometimes meet people and think they are someone you could be friends with and then something happens and you question everything. Or you dislike each other first and then become best friends. I have also learned that you can become friends with people on the internet, you can meet people online and hit it off right away even in real life, or you meet people online and in real life you don't get along. Everything is possible. I hate it when friendships end, I don't like losing people I care about and what I hate even more is people acting all weird and I don't even know why.

I believe that you always have to take the people you meet the way they are, everyone has weird habits, sometimes you meet people who lead a totally different lifestyle than you and while you have some things in common you might find a few things that you would do differently. To make it work between friends you will need patience, you need to understand each other and you need to take into account that everyone is different.

I met a girl, lets call her P, we hit it off right away and got along great, I really liked her because she was so energetic, she always babbled and smiled and cheered me up when I was in a bad mood. When I won a concert ticket for France she didn't think twice to buy one for herself and come with me, she convinced me to come to Vienna for that great party and it was one of the best nights in my life, we talked on the phone almost every week and she also spent New Years at my house. I thought I had found a good friend in her. It didn't matter that she was single with no kids, leading a totally different lifestyle. We had our love for 30 Seconds to Mars in common and we also were friends with some other girls from our group. While she also became good friends with others I did the same thing, which is normal and shouldn't be a problem, I would think, I mean I am not supposed to be exclusively her friend.

The last two months were not so easy for her, she had problems with her job and was complaining about it, wanting to find a better one and when I stumbled upon a job ad online I send it to her, I even asked my boss if she could apply at our company. At some point she had started volunteering to work for a Street Team, doing promotional work for Parties and was really involved in it, so the constant phone calls grew fewer. I didn't mind that at all, I don't always feel like talking on the phone after a busy day, sometimes I don't have the time because the kids refuse to go to bed, sometimes I just want to spent time with my hubby. What kind of bothered me was that when I asked her if she had applied at the job I found she said no, she hadn't found the time, yet she was online until late, even after midnight, chatting. Not that it is any of my business how she spends her time, it just struck me as weird that she was constantly complaining about being mobbed at work, but she was so busy with whatever that she didn't look for anything else. But as I said, different people, different lifestyles. I did tease her a bit and told her she should better find something new instead of spending her nights chatting online. I do care about her and wanted her to be happy. I also noticed she was a bit carefree with her money, throwing it around without really having it and always complaining she was broke. Which led to the point where she couldn't come to my see me for my birthday party, because she couldn't afford the train ticket. I was sad and tried to arrange it that I would pick her up (it's about a 1 1/2 hour drive one way), so she only had to pay one way to go back. But even that wasn't manageable, so she didn't come. But again, it wasn't my business and I tried to take her the way she was because aside from the weird habits, I really liked her.

Things started to become weird when I became friends with another girl, we got along good because at some point we found out that we have something in common, we both like to write fictional stories, so we would talk online about the stories. She wanted to read mine and so I sent her bits and pieces and told her how much I like hers, while she gave me feedback about mine. About three weeks ago P told me she was a bit jealous that I hadn't asked her if she also wanted to read my story, so I sent it to her, waiting for feedback, which never came. It struck me as odd, but I guessed she was busy. I was also busy at work and hubby was gone for a few days which meant I had the kids all for myself, so P and I didn't really talk on the phone and just randomly send each other messages on FB and Twitter. Nothing that really bothered me, I don't have to be in constant contact with my friends on a daily basis. My best friend lives in Chicago and we barely talk, sometimes we even forget each others birthdays. I miss her dearly but I know we will always be friends, even if we only talk twice a year.

However at some point I send P a message telling her that we hadn't talked in a while and that it made me sad. Her answer was short "yep, dito"...I sensed that she was mad and asked if I did something wrong, telling her sorry, that I had been busy and also sick with the flu. Her answer was something along the lines that even with being busy and sick I still am actively "talking" on Twitter to anyone but her. Now I knew she was pissed but I had no idea why and thought ignoring it would be the best, she would eventuelly calm down. A few days later she openly posted something on her FB-Wall, not saying my name but stating that she was annoyed by "some people" who never bother to call, yet smalltalk with everyone on Twitter while telling her excuses why they are busy. I vented about it to my other friend, telling her I knew P was jealous because we got along so great, also telling her that she had asked to read my story (actually she had put it kind of like "I am sooo jealous that you gave it to her, I feel sooo left out, you are soo mean" on the phone, making me fell bad for not asking her). The story is something I have put a lot of work into and care about a lot, and then she NEVER bothered to ever read past the first page (P told me) and never gave me any feedback. A few more things were also involved in making me mad at her, the fact that she told me she was too broke to come see me, but bought a train ticket to Hamburg a few days later, to meet other Fans there, which basically means that she lied to me about her being broke. Telling me that she can see me on twitter, never bothering to say hi but then complaining when I tweet others. That I never bother to reply to her "group" messages (she sends "Good morning" tweets to everyone, something I really DO NOT have the time for with two kids in the morning)

I gave it a few days, also taking the advice from hubby and my friend to wait if she would call or send a message directly to me and then wrote her a long message, explaining my point of view, telling her I was really sick (had a migraine that lasted a few days) and that I am busy, telling her that she still means a lot to me even though I don't have the time to call. I will gladly chat/skype/talk on twitter, because that is something I can do while helping my kids clean up, while making dinner or when they take a bath. I however can not chat on the phone because I know my kids will destroy the house if the know I am distracted. She didn't care and wouldn't accept my apologies. I told her that, if we still want to be friends, we would have to accept each other the way we are.

I do believe in honesty, sometimes even to the point were I have lost friends for being too honest. I don't believe in faking things or lying. I can cope with a lot of things and will put up with shit to a point were it is not even funny anymore. I will never argue about random things or make a fuss about something not important, like how often my friend talks to others or them not calling me even if I know they could. Those are things that for me are not important enough to argue about. I do however think that you have to honestly say what bothers you if it really makes you unhappy. So I did. I told her that, in order to stay friends, I would probably have to accept that she rather spends her money on other things than seeing me, but she would have to accept that I do not have the time to constantly call her or talk on the phone with her because I have two kids. And that I still like her a lot even if we only talk on the phone once a month and the rest of the time is spent talking on FB or Twitter. It works with all my other friends.

I got a message back from her in which she said she would start talking to me again "as soon as I check back into reality because what I ask of her is incredibly ridiculous"...which is something that probably brought it to a point past which I still want to be friends with her. I am just sad because I miss her and I would have never expected her to behave like that. I know she is just jealous, but I don't know why, It kind of feels like she thought she was the only one allowed to own me as a friend.

Irene