Baggage

In the last few months I have come to realize, that I obviously carry around a lot of emotional baggage, most of it pretty much buried deep inside of me but unfortunately some choices I (conciously, without knowing it would affect me) made in my life and things that happened because of that made those feelings surface and now I have to deal with it. Why this happened and why now and why it is affecting me so much is yet to be found out, I will see someone to help me dig a little deeper to find out. Maybe it has something to do with being really sick for a while and not getting better as fast as I expected and wanted or maybe I am just overwhelmed with all the changes that came with going back to work part-time, maybe I just tried to be stronger than I mentally and physically was a little too hard so my family wouldn't be affected by me not being able to give 100%.

I have been thinking a lot about my past and the present and also about the future. There are a few things I did in my past that I am not really proud of, but I think everyone has those in their life, some choices I made were not the best and yet I ended up with a loving husband, two kids, enough money, a nice house to live in and a good job. I just have to deal with accepting the bad choices as a part of my past that is over and is not affecting my present and future. I have to accept that I am now a different person and that people like me, no matter what I did in my past (mostly before they even knew me). It's just me not getting over a stupid phase in my life.

I know the chances of me falling back into the habits I had during my teens and in my twenties are close to zero, I won't go back to partying all weekend and sleeping through days when I was supposed to work. But somehow the fear of that happening against all odds (and it affecting my family) is in my head and keeping me from having even the tiniest bit of (harmless) fun. And I need to deal with that or I won't be able to go out with friends anymore without having anxiety attacks.

The first step I took was getting rid of some of my old clothes, stuff that don't fit me anymore after gaining a few pounds during the pregnancies or things that I won't wear again anyways because they are not my style anymore (and things I can't believe I really EVER did wear, they looked so damn ridiculous). I managed to sort out a whole bag full of stuff and now I feel a bit better.

Irene