Dreams

"LIfe is what happens while you are busy making other plans" - John Lennon

This is going to be hard, not only writing about it but actually realizing it and following through with it in a way that I can look back later and say "I did the right thing"

See, I have had this dream for the last 15 years. Ever since coming back from my Au Pair Year in the USA I dreamed of going back to live in the US, not necessarily forever and ever but at least for a few years. I spent lots of vacations there, in various places and always loved it. Two very good friends of mine moved to live there, one got married to an American here in Europe and moved there with him and one got send there by her company to work, found a guy she loved and stayed and I also have family living there. I've been jealous of them for quite a while, wishing I would have been so lucky to have the opportunity.

The most logical thing to do to make my dream come true eventually was taking part in the annual Green Card Lottery. The first time I did it was back in 2001 I think and I re-entered every year. The odds are like 20:1 or something and I have followed stories of people who won after only two years and some who tried 25 years. Every year I was disappointed but kept hoping I would win.

Then in 2009 my husband almost got the chance to sign a contract with a german Company who wanted to start a business in the US and needed a representative. It would have meant that I will go with him but will not be able to work (due to visa stuff) but as our son was only 6 months old anyways it didn't matter. Unfortunately it didn't work out the way it was planned and we didn't go.

In the end not going sucked but given the fact that I was diagnosed with an early stage of cervical cancer 10 months later it was a good thing we stayed here. Afterwards my life, or more the life of my whole family changed, and it changed a lot. I was sick constantly, in the hospital almost every 6 months, depressed and seeing a therapist. The last 3 1/2 years were hard. And those years have changed me and my focus in life. I don't have a job right now and I actually enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, which was something I always hated, I always said "I didn't study to get a Diploma to stay home and only care for my family". I don't need work right now to be happy and would hate it to constantly try to do the spilts to have enough time for work, kids, household, hubby and myself. My therapist said I shouldn't see myself as a stay-at-home mom, I should call it rehab time. And it will take as long as I need it!

But back to this thing that has happened and that is making me upset. I found out yesterday that I have won the Green Card Lottery this time. Last year I actually didn't intend to take part, I was recovering from my last surgery and I did see the Emails and the letter I got from the Company that handled the process and I let the chances to enter pass one by one. Deadline is usually by the end of October and as I had taken part for the last, I think 12 years they called me a few days before the deadline and asked if I wanted to take part this year. Somehow the guy on the phone talked me into trying again, while I had actually already decided to stop following that dream because I couldn't imagine living so far away from my family anymore because I didn't feel mentally stable enough.

My first reaction should have been "YAY OMG THAT IS AWESOME" but it wasn't, it was more like "DAMN, not right now, why did I take part, can we please postpone it until 2025" I tried to be happy, I wished for at least a tiny bit of excitement...nothing. I almost had a panic attack and wanted to crawl in my bed and cry. I called my best friend and told her and she asked "what should we do now? Be happy or not?" and I didn't know.

To be honest, it sucks. And I cried a lot, I will cry even more over the next few days I am sure. And then I will say goodbye to my dream and let it go. The timing sucks and following through with it will give me more heartache than letting it go, at least that's what I am telling myself right now. My (mental) health is far more important than living 6000 miles away from home because if I am sick it is even harder for friends and family to visit and help. But it gives me this weird feeling of giving up and giving in to those damn voices in my head that are telling me I can't do it.

Burying a dream that is about to come true hurts bad, really fucking bad!!!

Irene