Depression

Yes, you read the right, Depression...it is not only a very mean word, it is also a very mean state of mind one can be in. Being depressed is the worst thing in the whole wide world. And what is even worse, you can't really control it.

It usually starts in your head, a tiny thought pops up in your brain, maybe someone said something, you read something or something caught your attention otherwise which leads to a memory, that leads to another and all of a sudden you remember this really really bad time in your life and it starts a cascade of thoughts that you can not escape.

Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic...you have sworn not to touch alcohol and you avoid it as much as you can, or you have been gambling and lost a lot of money, so you decided not to do it anymore (and avoid going to Vegas on your vacation). No matter what happened, I am sure it is hard not to drink or gamble, but it is possible to avoid those things, e.g. by not spending time in a bar or in Vegas. But how can you escape the thoughts in your head, how can you make sure everyone around you avoids using words or sentences that trigger negative emotions or memories? You can't, and that is making it really hard to overcome a depression. Even though there might be a time in your life when the negative thoughts are kept at bay, be it because life is treating you good or because you are taking medication or maybe you have found a solution to the problem that was causig the negative thoughts, a state of mind in which you feel helpless and lost, sad and overwhelmed with even the tiniest obstacles can always happen again and it will creep up on you in no time.

I have been depressed and it was a horrible time in my life, I barely made it out of bed, I hardly had any appetite and thinking about food made it even worse, I was scared to leave the house, I couldn't do stuff on my own, I started crying out of nowhere and I wasn't able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty for feeling that way, I felt guilty for skipping dinner with them and it took all of my strength and energy to not cry in front of them and to smile when they told me something that made them happy. I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't be happy for my kids and even the slightest argument between them annoyed me to a point where I started yelling because I was so stressed by my own problems.

I have a more than awesome husband and some awesome friends who helped me through that time, I also had a very nice and empathic therapist. I know I have come a long way, I had been in therapy for almost 18 months (with depresson slowly starting even before I started therapy and other health problems I was sick for three years) by the time me and my therapist decided I had recovered enough so I could stop seeing her. That was last October and I have felt extremly good ever since then. Things that seemed unbearable 6 months prior to that date didn't bother me anymore, I could leave the house by myself and even went to some concerts on my own without any negative "I can't do that" feelings beforehand. I took care of my kids and even when my husband ahd to be away overnight for business it was fine.

Well, all of that up until about two weeks ago when I went to see this lady who is my supervisor at the local job center. As I am unemployed right now, due to being sick for such a long time, I need to meet with a supervisor around once every two months. The first time at the beginning of the year I had a very nice guy as a supervisor who completely understood my situation of being a mother and housewife and the fact that I don't really want a job right now as I still feel I need to recover from being sick for the last three years. But somehow the job center reorganized the responsibilities and I got a new supervisor. Now this lady lacks empathy and somehow felt she needed to tell me that I am obligated to apply for as many jobs as possible otherwise they will stop paying unemployment money. She is putting a lot of pressure on me and my still fragile mind which triggered this horrible feeling of being overwhelmed with even the smallest things. She is making me take a course in economics (which I studied ages ago) to "stay fit in the basics" which means I have to drive 45 minutes downtown every day to spend half a day in a classroom with people I don't know, doing stuff I don't want to do. And even though I know it is not the end of the world and most people would say "so what, suck it up and deal with it", for me it's not easy. Pressure is making me nervous and unstable and insecure. And the fact that some lady who doesn't know shit about me thinks she can put that pressure on me is bothering me.

A friend of mine, and my husband too, said I could just see my doc and ask him to write a note saying I am too sick (or not stable enough) to take that course but somehow for me that is cheating. Yes, I feel horrible and the thought of being forced to be there is making me uncomfortable. But I can't avoid anything that is making me cringe forever. At some point I will have to apply for jobs and I will have to sit through uncomfortable situations again. I have always been a fighter, up to the point that I wouldn't let anyone know how bad I was feeling and just sucking it up. I learned the hard way by crashing hard and hitting rock bottom, that no one can be happy and perfect and give 100% all the time and having a bad day, or week or month doesn't make you a bad person or failure. For me admitting and accepting that I am about to hit bottom again after being fine for 6 months is the hardest thing to do and getting this note from my doc would mean that I am not 100% over it but still in the "recovering" phase.

Following through with this course and the obligations is making me uncomfortable because I feel I still need time to be 100% myself again and to be able to really give 100% in whatever job I want to do. I need the freedom to apply for a job on my own terms and conditions to feel good. I can avoid all this by "officially" stating I am still not 100% myself and seeing my doc, but somehow "knowing" that inside of me and therefore living my life the way it is making me feel good and happy right now until I fell better and "officially" telling the world that I still need more time is a difference.

Does that make any sense??

Irene