Struggling

These days, every day is a constant battle. I am fighting with my husband, I am fighting with my kids, I am fighting with myself, some days I am fighting the urge to just run away and leave everything behind. I struggle to get out of bed and after getting the kids ready and driving them to school and kindergarten, I struggle to not just go back to bed. I know if I would do that it would start a downward spiral of sleeping, crying, feeling miserable and more sleeping. And it would mean I am at the beginning of yet another depressive phase, which is something I don't want to happen.

To be honest, I am probably already at the beginning of one of those phases, despite the fact that I am taking my pills like a good girl and trying to think positive thoughts as much as possible. But I am fighting against that because going back to bed and sleeping those few hours between 9 am and 12.30 pm that my daughter is at school would mean I am hiding from the world and my problems instead of facing them, which I should do and still have to learn again. But when I sleep I am not sad, when I sleep I am not crying, not thinking about my problems and not missing people that I can not be with right now. And I do miss him, every single f**king day. Even more when I feel miserable because life is throwing me a curve ball that I did not expect. Only a few weeks ago I could just send him a message when I felt like that and would get a sweet reply and some positive words, a virtual kiss or hug and it would just make every miserable day so much better!

Life is tough, it always is, especially with young children, but right now it is a lot tougher than it should be and way to tough for me to handle. I have a million little things I should be doing and by the end of the day I don't have one less because I finished one, I usually have three more. And I can't even bring myself to prioritize them or make a list, heck I can't even make myself start with the least important or least exhausting one. My husband gets things done and drags me along to do them. He makes appointments for things that need to be done, he sends invitations via email so I have them on the calender in my smartphone. And even then I keep forgetting them, even though I constantly have my phone with me.

We moved back to my hometown in November and have just now finished unpacking all the things in our apartment, I think we only have like 2 boxes left (from about 75 I guess). We are planning on renovating my parents house so we can live there once we are done. That requires a lot of work, at least 9 months the lady we hired to be our architect said. Appointments with builders need to be made, we have to get quotes from different companies for all the things that need to be done, it is overwhelming as it is and my head is already full with other things. Add my kids and their constant nagging and fighting, homework and playdates and I am dead tired even before I get out of bed, which always feels way too early and even though I usually sleep well, it feels like I only slept two hours, if any at all. And I don't even have a job to add to that tiredness (fortunately I can say!)

I am tired, tired of feeling miserable, and tired of feeling overwhelmed and tired of being tired. I hate struggling and I hate that it is affecting my kids and my marriage and our every-day life.

Irene