Vermissen

In case you don't understand German and are wondering about the title of this post:

"Vermissen" means missing someone or something.

The "Duden", a German (spelling) Dictionary explains it as:
"sich mit Bedauern bewusst sein, dass jemand, etwas nicht mehr in der Nähe ist, nicht mehr zur Verfügung steht, und dies als persönlichen Mangel empfinden"

The English translation would be something along the lines of:
"realizing, with regret, that someone or something is not around/available anymore or can't be obtained anymore and that feels like a personal deficit"

Vermissen seems to be the keyword in my life right now. I am missing a million things and people right now. I also miss being happy, or content...I miss my old life and my old self and I miss the will to change something about it. It is not that I don't WANT to change anything, I hate feeling like this and I hate the way my life is miserable right now, it is just that I don't know HOW. I feel paralyzed by all those feelings inside of me, all those incidents that happen, the hits close to home that come almost on a weekly schedule. I haven't recovered from the one (or two, or three) that just happened and there is yet another one that throws me off. All this has been going on for more than four (!) years right now. It started with me being diagnosed with a pre-stage of cervical cancer which required surgery, followed by a uterus infection, followed by my daughters open-heart surgery, followed by depression, followed by a curettage (caused by another infection), followed by a surgery to get my appendix out and temporarily ended after my huge abdominal/plastic surgery in September 2013. After that things looked better for a while only to become bad again. As soon as there seems to be a positive outlook for the next few weeks or months, my life just goes "naaaw, did ya really think I would let you off the hook?? Think again, here is yet another disaster for you!"

The next few moths after that surgery went pretty good, at least compared to the hell that my life was before. No more physical problems, the scars healed well and I felt better. I liked the way I looked (I had gotten a liposuction and plastic surgery plus a medical necessary closure of the hernia I had developed after my pregnancies) and got my self-confidence back. I felt happier. There were a few weeks right after the surgery where I felt miserable because it still hurt and I couldn't leave the couch and had to rely on everyone to help me, but all in all I felt a lot better. I realized how much I had missed my old self, the way I looked and feeling confident and comfortable in my own body. My old clothes fit again and looking in the mirror was not horrible anymore.

In January 2014 I started going to the Gym to help strengthen my muscles, to become a bit fitter and to loose a few more pounds. I never would have thought I would like it, as I have never been a Gym-Person but as soon as I was not able to keep up with my twice-a-week schedule I missed my workout and was cranky if I couldn't go. I settled into a routine and felt good about it. And then we moved and moving kind of made me neglect it which is why just yesterday I went to a club here (part of the same franchise, so I don't have a sign-up fee and can keep my contract conditions) to sign up again. I hope I can work out anther routine to continue going twice a week

While my physical condition got better and better and I felt more and more comfortable, my mental health didn't follow through. I still had a lot of moody days, I still missed my old, quirky self and the "me" that was happy,silly, carefree and usually a 'spur-of-the-moment'-person. I had always loved to be spontaneous. I had always done things I just felt like doing, impulsive or not, silly or not, sometimes even though others had told me that it was a stupid idea. I somehow had lost the ability to do that, I now needed a million days notice in advance and didn't feel secure if I didn't have it all planned to the minute. I missed being a person who didn't need that. I hated myself for having anxiety attacks and sleepless nights if, god forbid, anything out of the ordinary had happened or was about to happen.

My husband told me he missed that person, too. He encouraged me to try and do things I loved doing, and told me I shouldn't be scared to ask if he could watch the kids while I go out with friends or to just decide that we go and do things. I shouldn't always apologize for wanting things, for asking about things or for just being the way I am. Unfortunately the one time I really felt the need to actually DO something I want, without asking anyone for their permission, was when I decided I wanted to go to Berlin to meet my ex-boyfriend. Somehow no one who had encouraged me to "be myself and do what I want" had meant it THAT way.

Looking back at it, it probably wasn't a good idea, because on top of all the problems and obstacles in my life right now, I also have to deal with missing him. And missing him is the main feeling in my life right now. There isn't a day in my life right now where I don't miss him. At first I missed him because I want to be with him, to spend my life with him. I came to relaize that this isn't an option right now. But I do miss talking to him, texting, calling, telling him how my day was, getting little "I am thinking about you" or "hope you feel better" messages. I just want to have him close to me, inside my smartphone, just a message away. I miss that! And in relation to that I have also lost contact to a good friend of mine, who was there for me during the last year and helped me when I was unsure about my feelings. I miss her because even though she didn't really understand what was going on between him and me but supported my decision nonetheless. She once told me that she would always be there for me, no matter what will happen, but that I should realise I could lose friends who do not understand my decisions. Unfortunately,, now she is one of those people she warned me about, one of those who do not understand why I still have to (emotionally) deal with the fact that I miss someone who obviously does not want to be in contact with me anymore. Her opinion on that matter is "geez, just look at his behaviour, he is a jerk and an ass, he clearly thinks different than you about your relationship. You can cry and miss him all you want for a week or two, but then just move the fuck on!"

All those hard and horrible things that have happened in the last years have caused me and my husband a lot of pain, a lot of heartache and a lot of misunderstandings. We are both exhausted, we both feel that the other one is just caring about himself, not caring about the other or us as a couple or team. I miss being able to talk to him about everything. I miss being able to just be myself around him because the person I am right now is a person that is constantly annoying him. I catch myself walking around on tip-toes as to not disturb him so we won't start fighting again, because we have just stopped fighting over something totally inane, sometimes only because one or the other felt the need to win for their own ego. I miss that I can just be myself without worrying about disturbing him.

On top of all that we moved back home in November (and just unpacked the last box), we started organizing the renovation of my parents house, this causing us to have to think about a million things at once. How to organize the de-cluttering of all the things my parents left inside the house, what to do ourselves and what not, how to schedule one thing after the other. We have to meet with builders, plumbers, roofers, contractor, our architect almost on a daily basis. Plus the kids who need us, my oldest who needs a decent lunch and help with her homework every day between 1 and 3 pm and the younger brother who wants to play with me when he is home. There is just no time in between all of the to relax, or to just go out as a couple, for dinner or a movie or just anything WITHOUT the kids or work or things on the to-do-list on our minds. I miss being able to do stuff just as adults.

Last Saturday was my daughters birthday party. She wanted her friends to come over at 6pm for dinner and a movie and those who wanted to could stay for a sleep-over. 5 minutes before the guests arrived my husband pulled up outside to park, just in time back from shopping with the ingredients for dinner (homemade pizza) and some drunk lady crashed into our car. She obviously didn't see that he had not pulled up all the way into the parking spot but was still out on the street with the back of the car and she hit the car on the back right side. Needless to say we had to call the police and my husband had the see a doc for back pain on monday. I would have totally loved to miss out on something like that happening!! I don't need anything that adds to the stress we already have!

Yesterday was the peak of the horrible month that this January has been. The year 2015 hasn't even really started and my heart has already been broken, our car crashed and then yesterday my grandmother died totally unexpected. The nurses at the retirement home told my aunt when she called to check on my grandmother in the morning that they had just called the doctor because she couldn't breathe well, she had water in her lungs and it didn't look good. They decided not to take her to the ER and hoped she would recover. She fell asleep early afternoon and never woke up again. She died around 6pm in her sleep.

I will miss her terribly. The last time I saw her was on her birthday on December 26th last year. She turned 91 and was in a wonderful mood that day. She was awake and alert and happy, chatting and enjoying her birthday. She lived in Hannover, about an hour drive from my hometown. We promised to visit her as soon as the weather is better to take her for a walk in the park in her wheelchair, together with both our kids. We told them tonight and they took it pretty good, my daughter sounded sad when she talked about it but my son said: "Mom, I am not sad because we can still always visit her and talk to her on her grave." My husband replied that we can't talk to her and play with her though and he he said "sure we can talk to her and we couldn't really play with her anyways, because she was old and in a wheelchair, but we can still always visit her." He is 5 and I wish I could see it the same way he does.

Missing people sucks, no matter if you miss someone you love, someone who left you, someone who died or missing a part of yourself that disappeared because of the circumstances in your life!

Irene