As if that itself wasn't scary enough, it seems that I am surrounded by people who not only HAVE it all figured out but seem to have perfect lives, or at least they make you think they have, or even if they don't have perfect lives, they are way better at coping with their imperfect lives than I am.
Fortunately (well, that actually isn't the right way to put it, because no one is fortunate if they have to struggle, but I don't know how to put it any other way) there are also a few people I know that haven't figured it all out and am struggling too. Whenever I talk to them, I feel a bit better because I know I am not alone with feeling helpless and lost.
I have been thinking about writing a post about who I am right now, because my blogger friend San recently posted about it which made me think and then today I read her newest post and it hit a nerve even more. (you can read it here) It is exactly the way she puts it into words in the title of her post, the only one who has to be happy with my life, is ME. But what if I am not happy with it. That alone is a horrible thing. And what if everyone else around me doesn't understand why. Or they do understand why, but have a total different opinion about how I should go about changing it.
I just turned 36 on January 21st and until about 5 years ago I had a pretty good life. I wouldn't say it was perfect but it was close to the way I had it imagined to be. I had a husband and two kids, my daughter was 3 and my son 8 months old. My husband had a good job that payed well, I worked freelance and even though we had some struggles, like living kind of far away from family and having trouble finding friends and a social network, life was good. And then it happened, life changed, unexpected and in the worst possible way.
I have written posts about it before and I won't repeat it, but everything that happened led me to today and the fact that I am questioning my life and the decisions I made, even those before all that bullshit happened.
And then I question myself for questioning my life. Lots of bad things happened, but do I really have to let them define me?
Yes, even though I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, I was lucky it was a very early stage, so it could be treated.
Yes, my daughter had a hole in her heart and needed open-heart Surgery, but it went great and now she is cured.
Yes, I was diagnosed with Depression, but I was lucky and have found an awesome therapist (up until we moved, right now I am trying to find a new one) and I am also lucky that I have found some medication that helps and I have enough money to buy it (it might sound weird but I do know people that don't...)
I have been through all of that and even though it "didn't kill me, but made me stronger", it led to a point were:
- my husband and I barely talk to each other and if we do we mostly fight, me being sick and him
being the one who had to take over all my tasks at home on top of work has led to him being
stressed and bitter
- I feel insecure and overwhelmed if I have to make decisions on my own, I don't trust myself
anymore
- I am tired all.the.time because my brain just won't shut up, even when I sleep. I read once that some
therapists use sleep deprivation as a way to treat depression, because it is common that patients feel
tired a lot due to the brain being active even during the night
- I worry a lot more about everything and anything, health, decisions, life, death, friends,
family...you name it!
- I am not able to live in the NOW, I always try to figure out how my decision today could influence
the future and in which way...constant worries about the future of my health have led to that I think
I want to go back to being happy and carefree, to live here and now, to be able to laugh even if I spill my coffee, break my favourite mug or am late for an important appointment, enjoy life and love my kids even if they annoy the hell out of me.
And there it is...the problem that I have...all that is not possible with the life I have right now. I could try to change my life, or I can try to live with the fact that sometimes your life changes and you have to adapt to it. Yes, I could do that...and I should. I should do something, anything, to change it. And I did, to some point. I did not change my life, I changed myself...I made myself happy for a short period of time...by meeting someone who made me happy again, who made me feel better, who made it possible to laugh even if I spilled my coffee while the kids were fighting next to me. But as always, life is never easy, and being able to actually BE together with that person is the most complicated thing I have to face right now.
Which leads to the question if following my heart, fighting for something almost impossible, that is complicated and even unrealistic to happen is worth it. Should I turn my life upside down, risking to hurt people, because I feel I can become the person that I wish to be...
What if I feel that I AM more me when I am living that other life instead of the life I live right now?
Irene
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