Obstacles

Well, I am still not sure about posting my whole story but I will tell you an important part of it.

Life hasn’t been easy during that last year. First of all, hubby got promoted, which is actually a very cool thing and I am happy for him. But with it came a lot of responsibility and a lot of travelling. When he got the offer he told me he will probably be gone at least one night a week, maybe more or sometimes even a whole week. When he asked me if I would be OK with it I said sure, go for it, while at the same time I was dreading being alone with the kids and the stress and the feeling of loneliness, but it was good for him. We had considered moving back closer to my parents as we had to find a bigger place anyways, now that we had two kids. And for his business trips he usually has to go to his Company’s Headquarters which are close to my parents anyways. But we both decided we rather wanted to stay here with all the friends we had made. In the end I think it wasn’t the best decision, but oh well. I had to get used to spending days or weeks alone with the kids, it was stressful and drained a lot of my energy.

Then I got a notice from my doc, during a regular check-up they found something unusual which required another closer check. I don’t want to go into detail but in the end I had to have surgery twice to remove tissue which showed signs of abnormal cell growth, which most likely would have turned into cancer if left alone. I was shocked, as soon as my doc said cancer; I was thinking “I am going to die”. As it was found very early, not even close to being malicious, I am definitely not dying from it. But it required surgery, being anesthetized, spending 2 weeks on the couch both times, check-ups, and more check-ups and a lot of waiting for the results. I was told that usually they get all of the abnormal cells removed in one session. There is only a minimal risk of needing another surgery. So yay, lucky me hit the jackpot and needed another. I fell into a hole after getting the results from the first surgery and they said there might still be some cells that haven’t been removed. I felt miserable, I cried, I didn’t have energy anymore. It was during the winter months and so on top of that I got a really bad case of the flu, I had migraines and back problems from all the coughing. I cried all the time and stayed in bed for days. I tried to “keep my shit together” for the kids but couldn’t. I was one of the worst times in my life. I had also somewhere in between lost my job and we had moved which came with lot of work because we had to do some renovations at the old apartment and settle into our new house.

.

The second surgery came and went, I spent some days on the couch and waited for the next check-up. Healing was slow, but OK. I overall felt a little better, still very stressed, easily upset, tired ALL.THE.TIME, had mood swings and couldn’t concentrate very long, but sure everything would work out in the end. We went on vacation with my mom over Easter and I tried to relax as much as possible. Afterwards I called the doc who had done the surgery for results and he said all the cells have been removed. I was happy!! But as always, there is a BUT… I had to see my doc for a regular check-up and he told me that there is something odd with my results. So I had to see the doc at the clinic again and I am now waiting for the latest results. I am soo sick of this rollercoaster of good and bad, up and down, happy and sad.

During this last year I have changed a lot. Even more that I have in the years before. At the beginning I was a housewife and mother of two, working as a freelance Counsellor from home. Then I became sick, lost my job, moved, was upset all the time, tired, frustrated, couldn’t stand my kids being loud and rowdy and drawing away from my husband, I didn’t like my life, myself or anything around me. It got better at times and then it got bad again, then better, then worse. And then I found something that helped me,  that brought back my old self. Not the one from before the miserable time but actually the ME that I had lost a few years ago, the happy one, the crazy one, the one that would walk around singing. I found music that described how I felt; I found a band that I liked. I became a fan again, just like in the old times when I was still young; there was something that made me happy. I connected with other fans and found out that the music had helped a lot of them through equally hard times. I will tell you the story later, it is an odd story. It involves me, a band called 30 Seconds to Mars and a huge, kind of dysfunctional, worldwide family of fans called the Echelon.

I am still not over all of this, there is still a long way to go until the day when I can say “I achieved what I wanted, I am happy with my life and I wouldn’t want to change a thing”. There are still days when even my music doesn’t help, days I will spend on the couch, knowing I should be doing something, even if it is just the laundry, but finding even that too hard to do.

Today is one of these days.