On my mind

Pinterest is evil, it will suck you in and never let you go and all of a sudden you find yourself sitting on the couch way past your bedtime, pinning recipes you will never cook and crying over beautiful quotes or dreaming about the perfect (but horribly expensive) dream vacation on St. Lucia.

BUT

The really really great thing about Pinterest is that you find quotes that tell your story, that express exactly what you think or how you feel.

These are the ones that explain my life right now, some are even surprisingly spot-on!

And if you made it this far, I think the most powerful one is this one!!

I wish he knew...or cared! Or actually, I think I know that he knows...I wish he would tell me he knows and he is sorry for it!

Irene

HSP

During the times when I was depressed I tried to find reasons for my situation, I didn't want to be stuck being the way I was, so I tried to find out myself why I was struck by my mood swings, what could be the reason for me not wanting to get out of bed, for feeling down, for crying almost every day. I googled and read a lot about Depression, what could be reasons someone develops a Depression, how being physically sick for such a long time could have influenced it, if there are also reasons in my past, in the way I grew up, if my parents and their behavior towards me played a part in it, too.

When I googled I came across something else that was very interesting and struck a chord with me. Not only because it was something concerning me, but I also realized it might be something that concerned my son, because I had noticed his behavior was a little different than the one I remembered from his older sister and it seemed he was more sensitive, he felt pain a lot more, he started crying easily, it was hard to calm him down and other things. I read about AD(H)D and came across something called HSP.

HSP is the short form of "highly sensitive person". HSP is something that has not been researched a lot but is gaining popularity during the last few years. The first time HSP was mentioned was in 1996 by Dr. Elaine N. Aron who had been doing research about differences in behavior for a few years prior. As I can't write down all the things about it I will link you to Wiki for it, you can find everything about it here. Also if you are interested, Dr. Aron's website can be found here.

Someone who is an HSP is overly sensitive to stimulation around them (stimulation can be any impulse or sensation or feeling). HSPs tend to be easily overwhelmed by lights, sounds, smells or a hectic environment, also when they are asked to do a lot of things at once or if there is more than one problem that needs to be solved at the same time. They need to withdraw from situation that are too overwhelming to feel better, which often means they withdraw to a dark room or a quiet place to come down to find relief.

HSPs often pay a lot of attention to subleties, they are very empathetic, they can notice a change in the mood of others quickly and try to help those around them if they can. HSPs put a lot more effort into their thoughts, trying to shine a light on any possible outcome of the situation they or others are in. They reflect more thoroughly on the past. They also tend to ask for a lot of opinions from people they trust before making a decision.

All these traits make out an HSP. Most of these are not very useful in a world where everything is loud and fast and people pay more attention to materialistic values instead of emotional worth. Which is why a lot of HSP try to fit into this environment so no one notices they are different, they jump trough hoops to fit in and in the meantime are totally overwhelmed and unable to cope with it. They feel out of place because they don't fit in and try to find the fault in themselves because everyone else seems to be "normal" while they are "weird" or "different".

I have been told by a few people that it my way of coping with emotional things is not normal, it takes a lot of time for me to overcome something that makes me sad, I always need to reflect on it very long, trying to find out what happened and why it happened and if there was a point when I could have changed the outcome. I always need a lot of time to overcome situations where I had a fight with someone or if I lose a friend. Heck, I lost the love of my life 14 years ago because I was so stupid to let him go and he was too stupid to forgive me and I still struggle with the "hows" and "whys". Same with meeting him again last year and everything that happened and I still don't understand why exactly he behaves the way he does. Most people tell me "he just does, why the hell do you need a reason for it...get over it and move on, not everything needs an explanation"

Guess what, for me it does or it is not finished and it is upsetting and disturbing my life because my emotions can't cope with it.

I am an HSP and I am trying to find the best way to live with it right now!

Would love to hear from you if and how you can relate.

Irene

P.S. for all my German Readers, here is the link to the first few Chapters of an interesting book I came across about HSP. It is called "Zart besaitet"...go here to find it.

Appreciation

via Pinterest

After reading a few posts I came across during the last week, about people debating the pro and cons of their lives paths and how everyone is responsible for their own life and has to set their own path I realized that I am pretty much struggling myself with who I am and where I am in my life right now.

I am now 36, I have two kids, I am renovating a house which I will then own later (right now it technically is still owned by my parents until the paperwork is done)...I have everything that people (as I have come to learn when reading those posts about societal expectations) expect someone my age to have. On top of that I have a Diploma in Business Economics. Everything should be as expected.

Unless it is not.

Societal expectations are that I should either be a happy stay-at-home mother who feels that being a housewife and mother (I once heard the term "family manager") is everything she ever wanted and her life is fulfilling and she wouldn't want to change a thing. With a husband who earns enough money so she can comfortably stay at home without any financial problems. Or I should be a mom who works part-time, handles everything perfectly, manages all the things at work, comes home, cleans the house, cooks dinner and falls asleep happy and content that everything worked out the way she wanted. Every.Single.Day.

To be honest, I'd love for it to be either way. Unfortunately it is not. Life rarely works out the way you want it, things go wrong, there are little twists and turns and all of a sudden you find yourself at a point you NEVER imagined yourself, thinking that you NEVER expected your life would ever turn out to be that bad.

Like (I think) John Lennon once said "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans" I have liked that quote all my life because it is so true. You can plan as much as you want, you can imagine your prince to come on a white horse, treat you like a princess, shower you with diamonds and life will be perfect forever and ever, and the last take everyone will see is you, sitting together on an iron bench, watching the sunset...well, life is not a freaking Disney Movie unfortunately.

What actually bothers me the most is that I get the feeling what I do (while doing very little compared to what people expect me to do) is not appreciated. That might just be a feeling, but I have heard it from a few other moms I know and even my mother told me she has heard my father say it a lot when she was home with me and my siblings.

"What exactly are you doing all day anyways?" or
"how I envy you, you can watch TV and drink coffee with your friends all day"

Being a housewife and mother is mostly not considered to be "work". Yes, women are appreciated and praised for having children, for surviving 9 months of pregnancy, complete with nausea, heartburn, swollen feet and gaining an enormous amount of weight and for going through the pain of labor. But afterwards, life is all peachy and happy and having a baby is all kinds of fun and cuteness.

Except...it is not!

My kids are 5 and 8, I am fortunately past the phase of sleepless nights, crying babies, breastfeeding and changing poopy diapers. But as they always say "small kids, small problems...bigger kids, bigger problems" Now I have short nights with not enough sleep because I stay up late, trying to have some time for myself after the kids finally sleep around 9 pm, yelling and fighting, arguing about whether or not Cereal is considered a "healthy Dinner" and dirty bedrooms. I have to check every day that my daughter is doing her homework, I have to remind her to take a healthy lunch to school, I have to help my son clean his room, have to drive them to and from their friends, kiss bruises away, put band-aids on cuts and dry tears when one of them was mean to the other.

I am a negotiator
nurse
cleaning lady
maid
cook
drill instructor (sometimes)
chauffeur
teacher

and on top of that also
mother and wife

I should be earning a fortune, working 10 jobs, 24/7...365 days a year, no vacation time, unpaid overtime and weekends. I do not earn anything, except the love of my children, which is awesome but some days just not enough. And even if I know deep inside, not only my family but everyone around me probably appreciates what I do, it is not enough. I want to be told that I am appreciated, as in actually saying "thank you for doing laundry so I have a clean shirt for my important business meeting today" or "thanks mom for cooking my favourite dinner"

During those years when I was sick, had to have all those surgeries and was battling depression, getting up and doing what I was supposed to, trying to keep up with every day tasks was hard enough, back then appreciation was even more necessary than it is now. More often than not I had to force myself to do even the simplest things. And even now, being physically healthy and feeling a little more mentally stable there are days I don't feel like getting up. Those days would be much easier with a little more appreciation. My husband asked me a few days ago, a little astonished and with a hint of sarcasm in his voice "what do you want, do you want to be applauded for just getting out of bed?"

YES...as weird as it sounds!

Life is so much harder and feels so bleak and unfriendly when no one appreciates what you do...because why exactly are you still there if no one recognizes what you are doing?

Irene

via Pinterest

I am

There are so many things going on in my life right now that I feel totally lost and I often wonder who I am, who I have become and who I used to be. Recently I have been wondering if I have made the right decisions in the past. I am questioning and doubting the things I did and I am not sure if I can go on with my life the way it is and was the last years. I have been asking myself so many things over and over again and there are still a million questions that I haven't figured out yet.

As if that itself wasn't scary enough, it seems that I am surrounded by people who not only HAVE it all figured out but seem to have perfect lives, or at least they make you think they have, or even if they don't have perfect lives, they are way better at coping with their imperfect lives than I am.

Fortunately (well, that actually isn't the right way to put it, because no one is fortunate if they have to struggle, but I don't know how to put it any other way) there are also a few people I know that haven't figured it all out and am struggling too. Whenever I talk to them, I feel a bit better because I know I am not alone with feeling helpless and lost.

I have been thinking about writing a post about who I am right now, because my blogger friend San recently posted about it which made me think and then today I read her newest post and it hit a nerve even more. (you can read it here) It is exactly the way she puts it into words in the title of her post, the only one who has to be happy with my life, is ME. But what if I am not happy with it. That alone is a horrible thing. And what if everyone else around me doesn't understand why. Or they do understand why, but have a total different opinion about how I should go about changing it.

I just turned 36 on January 21st and until about 5 years ago I had a pretty good life. I wouldn't say it was perfect but it was close to the way I had it imagined to be. I had a husband and two kids, my daughter was 3 and my son 8 months old. My husband had a good job that payed well, I worked freelance and even though we had some struggles, like living kind of far away from family and having trouble finding friends and a social network, life was good. And then it happened, life changed, unexpected and in the worst possible way.

I have written posts about it before and I won't repeat it, but everything that happened led me to today and the fact that I am questioning my life and the decisions I made, even those before all that bullshit happened.

And then I question myself for questioning my life. Lots of bad things happened, but do I really have to let them define me?

Yes, even though I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, I was lucky it was a very early stage, so it could be treated.

Yes, my daughter had a hole in her heart and needed open-heart Surgery, but it went great and now she is cured.

Yes, I was diagnosed with Depression, but I was lucky and have found an awesome therapist (up until we moved, right now I am trying to find a new one) and I am also lucky that I have found some medication that helps and I have enough money to buy it (it might sound weird but I do know people that don't...)

I have been through all of that and even though it "didn't kill me, but made me stronger", it led to a point were:

- my husband and I barely talk to each other and if we do we mostly fight, me being sick and him
  being the one who had to take over all my tasks at home on top of work has led to him being
  stressed and bitter

- I feel insecure and overwhelmed if I have to make decisions on my own, I don't trust myself
  anymore

- I am tired all.the.time because my brain just won't shut up, even when I sleep. I read once that some
  therapists use sleep deprivation as a way to treat depression, because it is common that patients feel
  tired a lot due to the brain being active even during the night

- I worry a lot more about everything and anything, health, decisions, life, death, friends,
  family...you name it!

- I am not able to live in the NOW, I always try to figure out how my decision today could influence
  the future and in which way...constant worries about the future of my health have led to that I think

I want to go back to being happy and carefree, to live here and now, to be able to laugh even if I spill my coffee, break my favourite mug or am late for an important appointment, enjoy life and love my kids even if they annoy the hell out of me.

And there it is...the problem that I have...all that is not possible with the life I have right now. I could try to change my life, or I can try to live with the fact that sometimes your life changes and you have to adapt to it. Yes, I could do that...and I should. I should do something, anything, to change it. And I did, to some point. I did not change my life, I changed myself...I made myself happy for a short period of time...by meeting someone who made me happy again, who made me feel better, who made it possible to laugh even if I spilled my coffee while the kids were fighting next to me. But as always, life is never easy, and being able to actually BE together with that person is the most complicated thing I have to face right now.

Which leads to the question if following my heart, fighting for something almost impossible, that is complicated and even unrealistic to happen is worth it. Should I turn my life upside down, risking to hurt people, because I feel I can become the person that I wish to be...

What if I feel that I AM more me when I am living that other life instead of the life I live right now?

Irene

Differences

Every person on this Planet is different and every person on this Planet deals with stress or frustration or obstacles in his or her life differently. There are as many different reactions to a single problem as there are people involved and neither one is more right or wrong than the other. Unfortunately sometimes people tend to forget that and try to apply their way of reacting to others, meaning no harm but making everything worse by doing that.

I have learned this in the last couple of weeks by experience. I met my ex and we both realized there are potentially more feelings for each other than expected. So we had to deal with the situation, knowing that however we decided to go on with our relationship, it would have an impact on both our lives. While my initial reaction was that we just try to be friends, staying in contact through social media, messages and phone, his reaction was to play dead and disappear from my life. Which isn't very helpful for me because I miss him terribly but won't get any reaction whatsoever from him, no matter how hard I try. Eventually I have to accept that this is his way of coping with the situation. Maybe one day he will be able to get back in contact.

When my Grandmother died everyone in my family reacted different. While my mom started feverishly calling everyone she knows, all relatives and close friends and everyone who knew my grandmother, my aunt fell into some kind of organizing mode and started sorting out all the stuff my grandmother had, giving away everything that wasn't personal things, like pictures or books or clothes. My mom is a really emotional person and started crying when my aunt yelled at her. Which shows that my aunt is coping by being pretty angry and dishing out, which she did even more when my mother started being emotional. I pretty much curled up on the couch and cried as much as I felt was necessary at the beginning. I sometimes cry when I think about the last time I saw her, or when we had to pack her stuff and empty out her room at the retirement home she had lived at the last few years.

Whenever I am hurt, sad, frustrated or stressed I usually talk about it. I need to get it out of my head, I feel the urge to put my thoughts into words. I overdo it a lot of times (I blogged about it before, read the post here if you want), creating problems that were not there before I started looking at that tiny problem from a million different angles. Sometimes it frustrates me and everyone around me even more, but a lot of times it helps, at least for me. Getting a few other opinions from friends usually helps me getting my head straight. Sometimes it makes me realize that I have a totally different opinion, sometimes one of my friends, looking at it from a more distant point of view manages to put my thoughts into words far better than I would have been able to do it.

On top of that I love quotes or phrases or poems, those little sentences help me cope with whatever is happening, and music. Sometimes reading or listening to the lyrics of a song makes me realize that I am not the only one who has to deal with problems, pain, frustration, stress or heartache.

How do you cope with things if nothing is going as planned? Any tips on how to cope with stress? Or good ideas on how to relax?

Irene

Vermissen

In case you don't understand German and are wondering about the title of this post:

"Vermissen" means missing someone or something.

The "Duden", a German (spelling) Dictionary explains it as:
"sich mit Bedauern bewusst sein, dass jemand, etwas nicht mehr in der Nähe ist, nicht mehr zur Verfügung steht, und dies als persönlichen Mangel empfinden"

The English translation would be something along the lines of:
"realizing, with regret, that someone or something is not around/available anymore or can't be obtained anymore and that feels like a personal deficit"

Vermissen seems to be the keyword in my life right now. I am missing a million things and people right now. I also miss being happy, or content...I miss my old life and my old self and I miss the will to change something about it. It is not that I don't WANT to change anything, I hate feeling like this and I hate the way my life is miserable right now, it is just that I don't know HOW. I feel paralyzed by all those feelings inside of me, all those incidents that happen, the hits close to home that come almost on a weekly schedule. I haven't recovered from the one (or two, or three) that just happened and there is yet another one that throws me off. All this has been going on for more than four (!) years right now. It started with me being diagnosed with a pre-stage of cervical cancer which required surgery, followed by a uterus infection, followed by my daughters open-heart surgery, followed by depression, followed by a curettage (caused by another infection), followed by a surgery to get my appendix out and temporarily ended after my huge abdominal/plastic surgery in September 2013. After that things looked better for a while only to become bad again. As soon as there seems to be a positive outlook for the next few weeks or months, my life just goes "naaaw, did ya really think I would let you off the hook?? Think again, here is yet another disaster for you!"

The next few moths after that surgery went pretty good, at least compared to the hell that my life was before. No more physical problems, the scars healed well and I felt better. I liked the way I looked (I had gotten a liposuction and plastic surgery plus a medical necessary closure of the hernia I had developed after my pregnancies) and got my self-confidence back. I felt happier. There were a few weeks right after the surgery where I felt miserable because it still hurt and I couldn't leave the couch and had to rely on everyone to help me, but all in all I felt a lot better. I realized how much I had missed my old self, the way I looked and feeling confident and comfortable in my own body. My old clothes fit again and looking in the mirror was not horrible anymore.

In January 2014 I started going to the Gym to help strengthen my muscles, to become a bit fitter and to loose a few more pounds. I never would have thought I would like it, as I have never been a Gym-Person but as soon as I was not able to keep up with my twice-a-week schedule I missed my workout and was cranky if I couldn't go. I settled into a routine and felt good about it. And then we moved and moving kind of made me neglect it which is why just yesterday I went to a club here (part of the same franchise, so I don't have a sign-up fee and can keep my contract conditions) to sign up again. I hope I can work out anther routine to continue going twice a week

While my physical condition got better and better and I felt more and more comfortable, my mental health didn't follow through. I still had a lot of moody days, I still missed my old, quirky self and the "me" that was happy,silly, carefree and usually a 'spur-of-the-moment'-person. I had always loved to be spontaneous. I had always done things I just felt like doing, impulsive or not, silly or not, sometimes even though others had told me that it was a stupid idea. I somehow had lost the ability to do that, I now needed a million days notice in advance and didn't feel secure if I didn't have it all planned to the minute. I missed being a person who didn't need that. I hated myself for having anxiety attacks and sleepless nights if, god forbid, anything out of the ordinary had happened or was about to happen.

My husband told me he missed that person, too. He encouraged me to try and do things I loved doing, and told me I shouldn't be scared to ask if he could watch the kids while I go out with friends or to just decide that we go and do things. I shouldn't always apologize for wanting things, for asking about things or for just being the way I am. Unfortunately the one time I really felt the need to actually DO something I want, without asking anyone for their permission, was when I decided I wanted to go to Berlin to meet my ex-boyfriend. Somehow no one who had encouraged me to "be myself and do what I want" had meant it THAT way.

Looking back at it, it probably wasn't a good idea, because on top of all the problems and obstacles in my life right now, I also have to deal with missing him. And missing him is the main feeling in my life right now. There isn't a day in my life right now where I don't miss him. At first I missed him because I want to be with him, to spend my life with him. I came to relaize that this isn't an option right now. But I do miss talking to him, texting, calling, telling him how my day was, getting little "I am thinking about you" or "hope you feel better" messages. I just want to have him close to me, inside my smartphone, just a message away. I miss that! And in relation to that I have also lost contact to a good friend of mine, who was there for me during the last year and helped me when I was unsure about my feelings. I miss her because even though she didn't really understand what was going on between him and me but supported my decision nonetheless. She once told me that she would always be there for me, no matter what will happen, but that I should realise I could lose friends who do not understand my decisions. Unfortunately,, now she is one of those people she warned me about, one of those who do not understand why I still have to (emotionally) deal with the fact that I miss someone who obviously does not want to be in contact with me anymore. Her opinion on that matter is "geez, just look at his behaviour, he is a jerk and an ass, he clearly thinks different than you about your relationship. You can cry and miss him all you want for a week or two, but then just move the fuck on!"

All those hard and horrible things that have happened in the last years have caused me and my husband a lot of pain, a lot of heartache and a lot of misunderstandings. We are both exhausted, we both feel that the other one is just caring about himself, not caring about the other or us as a couple or team. I miss being able to talk to him about everything. I miss being able to just be myself around him because the person I am right now is a person that is constantly annoying him. I catch myself walking around on tip-toes as to not disturb him so we won't start fighting again, because we have just stopped fighting over something totally inane, sometimes only because one or the other felt the need to win for their own ego. I miss that I can just be myself without worrying about disturbing him.

On top of all that we moved back home in November (and just unpacked the last box), we started organizing the renovation of my parents house, this causing us to have to think about a million things at once. How to organize the de-cluttering of all the things my parents left inside the house, what to do ourselves and what not, how to schedule one thing after the other. We have to meet with builders, plumbers, roofers, contractor, our architect almost on a daily basis. Plus the kids who need us, my oldest who needs a decent lunch and help with her homework every day between 1 and 3 pm and the younger brother who wants to play with me when he is home. There is just no time in between all of the to relax, or to just go out as a couple, for dinner or a movie or just anything WITHOUT the kids or work or things on the to-do-list on our minds. I miss being able to do stuff just as adults.

Last Saturday was my daughters birthday party. She wanted her friends to come over at 6pm for dinner and a movie and those who wanted to could stay for a sleep-over. 5 minutes before the guests arrived my husband pulled up outside to park, just in time back from shopping with the ingredients for dinner (homemade pizza) and some drunk lady crashed into our car. She obviously didn't see that he had not pulled up all the way into the parking spot but was still out on the street with the back of the car and she hit the car on the back right side. Needless to say we had to call the police and my husband had the see a doc for back pain on monday. I would have totally loved to miss out on something like that happening!! I don't need anything that adds to the stress we already have!

Yesterday was the peak of the horrible month that this January has been. The year 2015 hasn't even really started and my heart has already been broken, our car crashed and then yesterday my grandmother died totally unexpected. The nurses at the retirement home told my aunt when she called to check on my grandmother in the morning that they had just called the doctor because she couldn't breathe well, she had water in her lungs and it didn't look good. They decided not to take her to the ER and hoped she would recover. She fell asleep early afternoon and never woke up again. She died around 6pm in her sleep.

I will miss her terribly. The last time I saw her was on her birthday on December 26th last year. She turned 91 and was in a wonderful mood that day. She was awake and alert and happy, chatting and enjoying her birthday. She lived in Hannover, about an hour drive from my hometown. We promised to visit her as soon as the weather is better to take her for a walk in the park in her wheelchair, together with both our kids. We told them tonight and they took it pretty good, my daughter sounded sad when she talked about it but my son said: "Mom, I am not sad because we can still always visit her and talk to her on her grave." My husband replied that we can't talk to her and play with her though and he he said "sure we can talk to her and we couldn't really play with her anyways, because she was old and in a wheelchair, but we can still always visit her." He is 5 and I wish I could see it the same way he does.

Missing people sucks, no matter if you miss someone you love, someone who left you, someone who died or missing a part of yourself that disappeared because of the circumstances in your life!

Irene

Struggling

These days, every day is a constant battle. I am fighting with my husband, I am fighting with my kids, I am fighting with myself, some days I am fighting the urge to just run away and leave everything behind. I struggle to get out of bed and after getting the kids ready and driving them to school and kindergarten, I struggle to not just go back to bed. I know if I would do that it would start a downward spiral of sleeping, crying, feeling miserable and more sleeping. And it would mean I am at the beginning of yet another depressive phase, which is something I don't want to happen.

To be honest, I am probably already at the beginning of one of those phases, despite the fact that I am taking my pills like a good girl and trying to think positive thoughts as much as possible. But I am fighting against that because going back to bed and sleeping those few hours between 9 am and 12.30 pm that my daughter is at school would mean I am hiding from the world and my problems instead of facing them, which I should do and still have to learn again. But when I sleep I am not sad, when I sleep I am not crying, not thinking about my problems and not missing people that I can not be with right now. And I do miss him, every single f**king day. Even more when I feel miserable because life is throwing me a curve ball that I did not expect. Only a few weeks ago I could just send him a message when I felt like that and would get a sweet reply and some positive words, a virtual kiss or hug and it would just make every miserable day so much better!

Life is tough, it always is, especially with young children, but right now it is a lot tougher than it should be and way to tough for me to handle. I have a million little things I should be doing and by the end of the day I don't have one less because I finished one, I usually have three more. And I can't even bring myself to prioritize them or make a list, heck I can't even make myself start with the least important or least exhausting one. My husband gets things done and drags me along to do them. He makes appointments for things that need to be done, he sends invitations via email so I have them on the calender in my smartphone. And even then I keep forgetting them, even though I constantly have my phone with me.

We moved back to my hometown in November and have just now finished unpacking all the things in our apartment, I think we only have like 2 boxes left (from about 75 I guess). We are planning on renovating my parents house so we can live there once we are done. That requires a lot of work, at least 9 months the lady we hired to be our architect said. Appointments with builders need to be made, we have to get quotes from different companies for all the things that need to be done, it is overwhelming as it is and my head is already full with other things. Add my kids and their constant nagging and fighting, homework and playdates and I am dead tired even before I get out of bed, which always feels way too early and even though I usually sleep well, it feels like I only slept two hours, if any at all. And I don't even have a job to add to that tiredness (fortunately I can say!)

I am tired, tired of feeling miserable, and tired of feeling overwhelmed and tired of being tired. I hate struggling and I hate that it is affecting my kids and my marriage and our every-day life.

Irene

Love of my Life

Well, this post will definitely not be an easy one to write but I guess I need to get this written down to somehow get it out of my system.

Back in 1998, when I was 19 years old, had just finished High School and was about 3 1/2 months away from spending a year abroad in the USA as an Au Pair I met someone, a guy, who was about to turn into the love of my life and would haunt me until today and probably will until I die. I hadn't planned on meeting anyone right before leaving the country for at least 12 months, but somehow it did happen and it changed my whole life. We met through a friend of mine, who was dating a friend of him, or more like a colleague (they were both in the German Airforce back then). One night me and my friend went to our favorite club, she wanted to meet her boyfriend and he had his friend with him. They both had somehow decided they want us to "date" because we were both single so we decided he would invite me for a drink and we would talk a little. In the end we really did like each other and wanted to meet again the next day...and the day after...and the day after that.

To cut a long story short, we fell in love almost immediately and spent as much time as possible together the next months before my departure. A few days before I left he gave me a ring and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and as soon as I came back after my year abroad, he wanted to get married. I was on Cloud 9 and couldn't believe there was this awesome and cute guy who loved me for who I am and wanted to be with me forever.

In the end it didn't work out the way we had planned it, somehow over the course of the year I spent abroad, I realized I didn't want to get married right away, I had just turned 20, I wanted to have some more fun while being young, I didn't want to end up being a military wife that would have to move every other year and spent weeks or months apart from her husband. His vision of our life together seemed to be that we get married,have kids,a house and a dog and he had a safe job with the Airforce for at least another 10 years. I panicked...and told him I didn't think I can do it.

Looking back on the whole situation now, I broke his heart...or I guess it was more breaking it, ripping it out of his chest, wrapping barbed wire around it and stepping on it a few times. He had waited for me for 10 months and about 6 weeks before I was due to be back to spend the rest of our lives together I told him I couldn't see "us" being together in the future. I was too young to realize that this short moment of panic was OK and didn't mean that I had to end it all together like I did. It only took me a few weeks though to realize that it had been a mistake and so I begged him to give "us" another chance. He was too hurt and didn't want to give us another chance. From then on we somehow couldn't let go of each other. I begged him to come back, he came back for a few days but as soon as it got too close to being a relationship again he left. He broke my heart over and over again because he came and left and came and left and wouldn't commit to being my boyfriend or fiancee again. I cried, I partied, I got drunk almost every night, I took home each and every single guy who would come with me...just so I could forget him. I almost ruined my life back then. It took 1 1/2 years of begging and crying and wanting him back before I finally gave up. One day, after another night he had spent at my place and another heated argument about the fact that I wanted to try it again, but he said I didn't deserve another chance and that he had met someone else, he left and I didn't see him again for eight whole years.

I met someone else, we are now married and have two kids, he stayed with the girl he had told me about, married her and they have a son. We briefly met in 2009, right after my son was born. I had found him through some website where you can search for old classmates or friends. He had just finished a Seminar in Hannover and I was there too after visiting my parents. As my daughter was 3 years old and my son about 6 months I had to bring them,so we met at a playground I remembered, around the corner from one of my old apartments. We talked, we laughed, we shared a few thoughts about how our relationship had ended, we realized we still liked each other and in the end I was sad that we hadn't kept in contact for so many years, because I noticed I still really liked him. We promised to do better in the future, but somehow realized that not keeping in contact seemed to be the best thing to do, knowing about our feelings.

About 4 months ago, another 5 years later, I send him a message through Whats App. I hadn't known that he still owned his old mobile number, but thanks to my new smartphone, after installing the App about two years ago and searching my contacts his had somehow popped up. I had contacted him before when I was in Berlin (where he now lives) to visit my sister to ask if we could meet for a coffee but he wasn't in town. Other than that we sporadically sent each other Happy Birthday or Happy New Year Messages. This time was different though.

Following that day back in 2001 when he left and we lost contact I had never told him about how I had felt and what I had done those months when he wouldn't commit to being my boyfriend again, when he hurt me by leaving after a few happy days together. The nights I was drunk and crying my eyes out, the days spent in bed crying, the guys I took home...he didn't know how he had almost ruined me and my life. He didn't know that all this might have influenced my health, that it might have been a reason for me becoming sick in 2010 and all those things that followed like me becoming depressed. He couldn't know because I hadn't talked to him for 5 years.

I had talked about all of it during my therapy and somehow gotten to the point where I wanted to tell him, to get it off my chest, to make a clean cut with my past. So I told him about it in my message, not really knowing what to expect really. I got a message back that read "Hey Sweetheart, maybe we should meet and talk about it"...in the following weeks and months we wrote messages and talked on the phone. And just like a few years ago we realized there are still those feelings we have for each other. We both didn't know what to do and how to handle the situation.

To be honest, both of our marriages are not the happiest ones, we both realized we are not happy with our lives right now and talking to each other made it so much better. We both in an instant said "gosh it is so awesome to hear your voice, I missed that so much" We spend our days sending messages to each other, we talked about how we might be able to be together again some day and decided we should meet to talk in person and see if the feelings we had when talking and chatting are also there in real life.

As I don't have a job right now and he is working as a construction worker I decided that I would go and see him in Berlin, spend the day with him and stay at my sisters place over night. I was excited to see him again and it was the same with him, we counted down the hours and I could barely sleep the night before (which I had spent at a friends place after going to a concert with her in the evening). We decided to meet at a Starbucks in Downtown Berlin and as soon as we saw each other we "clicked" and it felt like no time had passed, let alone 13 years since we broke up and 5 since we had talked. It was wonderful, awesome, exciting, I had butterflies and couldn't stop smiling. Hugging him, talking to him, touching him...I had this overwhelming feeling of "being home" while being with him. It scared the shit out of me because it made me question my marriage, but I was way too happy to care that day. I can't really speak for him here, but it looked and sounded and felt like he was feeling the same. We spend all day together, but at some point he told me that he realized the more time he spends with me, the less he wants to go back home and for him ending his marriage to be with me and in the process probably losing his son (or the ability to see him whenever he wants) plus fighting his wife through a divorce is not an option. He grew up with divorced parents, his wife has an older son who grew up with them and spend parts of his life away from his father after they moved to Berlin a few years ago and he didn't want his son to experience the same heartache. He may not be happy with his marriage anymore but somehow him and his wife have arranged themselves with the way they live and he said he "got used" to it being that way. Being with me would mean chaos, would mean a hard battle and lots of heartache.

He left me sitting there, almost crying and hurt, not knowing what to say or do. I begged him to stay and asked him if we could meet again the next day but again he said he can't spend any more time with me because he feels he would not want to leave me and go back home but that is just not possible. He told me how sad it makes him that he has to choose between staying and leaving and how much it hurts to see me like that but his son is his everything and he doesn't know how to handle the situation better than going back to his life until maybe one day the timing is right for us. He said that he would call me a few days later, but never did.

I went back home 2 days later unhappy, crying and still hurt. I realized that I had imagined it to be easier to just get up and leave my family to be with someone else (which wasn't that easy I realized because despite having so many new/old feelings for him, I still had a lot of feelings for my husband) but somehow my trip to Berlin made me realize I had to change the situation between me and my husband to make our every day life together better. The last few years of constant worrying about my health, our daughters health, surgeries, depression and more had been hard and we were barely talking to each other. We were fighting, yelling and lacking respect for each other, he was rude and loud and constantly annoyed by me and the kids.

So I told him about my feelings and that things had to change or I didn't know if I wanted to go on being married to him. He blamed me for everything, told me I had actively ruined our marriage by going to Berlin, that he had done everything he could for me the last years and in the end packed his bags and moved out for a week so we could spend some time apart to think about it. That broke my heart, on top of it being broken by my ex-boyfriend already who had not kept in contact like he had said. Things seemed to go downhill, getting worse every day and all I wanted to do was cry, feel miserable and curl up in bed and sleep, exactly the way I had done it back when my ex had broken my heart before. But I have kids, I am responsible for them, I have an apartment to keep clean, we had just moved and boxes needed to be unpacked, there is laundry, breakfast, lunch, dinner, homework with my daughter and kids that shouldn't see their mother cry all day...FUCK, it seemed impossible to do..oh and lets not forget, Christmas was only three weeks away!

I haven't heard more than a few sentences via Whats App from him. He told me I was insane to "throw away" my family, that I shouldn't have been too honest about my feelings and that he doesn't want to talk or think about the feelings between us. He stopped talking to me afterwards but kept reading the messages I sent him until the end of last year. Since then I have send one or two more but stopped because it hurt too much. I don't know why he doesn't want to be in contact anymore, all I am asking for is that he explains it to me. I miss him terribly and not knowing WHY he is behaving like this is killing me.

I have talked to some of my friends and got mixed opinions, some say he is the biggest asshole ever and he just played with me and my feelings. That I was just a pastime for him, when he was bored at work, or that I was someone to boost his ego. That all the things he wrote and told me, that he thinks about me all the time, that he wants to be with me and make me happy...all that was fake. Others say that he probably already gave me an explanation by telling me he can't spend any more time with me because it would mean risking his marriage. I don't really know what to believe, whatever it is, not hearing from him is not making it any easier!

Irene