During the last few days I had to deal with a few more not-so-nice mood swings and a serious case of the blues, paired with crying and doubting myself over and over again...just another one of those down phases that had been gone for a while but after one incident (which I don't really want to discuss here) came back. Someone said something and that triggered a whole lot of emotions that upset me and the fact THAT I am so upset by them upsets me even more.
All of this has led to yet another discussion with my husband about my state of mind and my feelings and the fact that those feelings, along with mood swings and anxiety attacks came back unexpected have totally thrown him off and he basically is back to the beginning and unable to help me through it.
Fortunately, some days you come across things online, or by talking to someone, that perfectly fits the situation you are in or that strikes a chord, maybe an article you read or your friend mentioning something that helps you. I have come across a blog because one of my Facebook friends posted a link on their wall. It was a post (well more like two posts) about what or what not to say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness.
I have heard a lot of those phrases before and even though I understand (much like it is also said there) that people only want to help or maybe just want to say ANYTHING and don't know what to say. But most of the time good intentions turn out not to be so good after all.
So her you go, read the things not to say and the things you should say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness (like depression happens to be).
Feedback is appreciated and I would also be happy about a few nice comments
Irene
Mittwoch, 21. Mai 2014
Donnerstag, 15. Mai 2014
Dreams
"LIfe is what happens while you are busy making other plans" - John Lennon
This is going to be hard, not only writing about it but actually realizing it and following through with it in a way that I can look back later and say "I did the right thing"
See, I have had this dream for the last 15 years. Ever since coming back from my Au Pair Year in the USA I dreamed of going back to live in the US, not necessarily forever and ever but at least for a few years. I spent lots of vacations there, in various places and always loved it. Two very good friends of mine moved to live there, one got married to an American here in Europe and moved there with him and one got send there by her company to work, found a guy she loved and stayed and I also have family living there. I've been jealous of them for quite a while, wishing I would have been so lucky to have the opportunity.
The most logical thing to do to make my dream come true eventually was taking part in the annual Green Card Lottery. The first time I did it was back in 2001 I think and I re-entered every year. The odds are like 20:1 or something and I have followed stories of people who won after only two years and some who tried 25 years. Every year I was disappointed but kept hoping I would win.
Then in 2009 my husband almost got the chance to sign a contract with a german Company who wanted to start a business in the US and needed a representative. It would have meant that I will go with him but will not be able to work (due to visa stuff) but as our son was only 6 months old anyways it didn't matter. Unfortunately it didn't work out the way it was planned and we didn't go.
In the end not going sucked but given the fact that I was diagnosed with an early stage of cervical cancer 10 months later it was a good thing we stayed here. Afterwards my life, or more the life of my whole family changed, and it changed a lot. I was sick constantly, in the hospital almost every 6 months, depressed and seeing a therapist. The last 3 1/2 years were hard. And those years have changed me and my focus in life. I don't have a job right now and I actually enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, which was something I always hated, I always said "I didn't study to get a Diploma to stay home and only care for my family". I don't need work right now to be happy and would hate it to constantly try to do the spilts to have enough time for work, kids, household, hubby and myself. My therapist said I shouldn't see myself as a stay-at-home mom, I should call it rehab time. And it will take as long as I need it!
But back to this thing that has happened and that is making me upset. I found out yesterday that I have won the Green Card Lottery this time. Last year I actually didn't intend to take part, I was recovering from my last surgery and I did see the Emails and the letter I got from the Company that handled the process and I let the chances to enter pass one by one. Deadline is usually by the end of October and as I had taken part for the last, I think 12 years they called me a few days before the deadline and asked if I wanted to take part this year. Somehow the guy on the phone talked me into trying again, while I had actually already decided to stop following that dream because I couldn't imagine living so far away from my family anymore because I didn't feel mentally stable enough.
My first reaction should have been "YAY OMG THAT IS AWESOME" but it wasn't, it was more like "DAMN, not right now, why did I take part, can we please postpone it until 2025" I tried to be happy, I wished for at least a tiny bit of excitement...nothing. I almost had a panic attack and wanted to crawl in my bed and cry. I called my best friend and told her and she asked "what should we do now? Be happy or not?" and I didn't know.
To be honest, it sucks. And I cried a lot, I will cry even more over the next few days I am sure. And then I will say goodbye to my dream and let it go. The timing sucks and following through with it will give me more heartache than letting it go, at least that's what I am telling myself right now. My (mental) health is far more important than living 6000 miles away from home because if I am sick it is even harder for friends and family to visit and help. But it gives me this weird feeling of giving up and giving in to those damn voices in my head that are telling me I can't do it.
Burying a dream that is about to come true hurts bad, really fucking bad!!!
Irene
This is going to be hard, not only writing about it but actually realizing it and following through with it in a way that I can look back later and say "I did the right thing"
See, I have had this dream for the last 15 years. Ever since coming back from my Au Pair Year in the USA I dreamed of going back to live in the US, not necessarily forever and ever but at least for a few years. I spent lots of vacations there, in various places and always loved it. Two very good friends of mine moved to live there, one got married to an American here in Europe and moved there with him and one got send there by her company to work, found a guy she loved and stayed and I also have family living there. I've been jealous of them for quite a while, wishing I would have been so lucky to have the opportunity.
The most logical thing to do to make my dream come true eventually was taking part in the annual Green Card Lottery. The first time I did it was back in 2001 I think and I re-entered every year. The odds are like 20:1 or something and I have followed stories of people who won after only two years and some who tried 25 years. Every year I was disappointed but kept hoping I would win.
Then in 2009 my husband almost got the chance to sign a contract with a german Company who wanted to start a business in the US and needed a representative. It would have meant that I will go with him but will not be able to work (due to visa stuff) but as our son was only 6 months old anyways it didn't matter. Unfortunately it didn't work out the way it was planned and we didn't go.
In the end not going sucked but given the fact that I was diagnosed with an early stage of cervical cancer 10 months later it was a good thing we stayed here. Afterwards my life, or more the life of my whole family changed, and it changed a lot. I was sick constantly, in the hospital almost every 6 months, depressed and seeing a therapist. The last 3 1/2 years were hard. And those years have changed me and my focus in life. I don't have a job right now and I actually enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, which was something I always hated, I always said "I didn't study to get a Diploma to stay home and only care for my family". I don't need work right now to be happy and would hate it to constantly try to do the spilts to have enough time for work, kids, household, hubby and myself. My therapist said I shouldn't see myself as a stay-at-home mom, I should call it rehab time. And it will take as long as I need it!
But back to this thing that has happened and that is making me upset. I found out yesterday that I have won the Green Card Lottery this time. Last year I actually didn't intend to take part, I was recovering from my last surgery and I did see the Emails and the letter I got from the Company that handled the process and I let the chances to enter pass one by one. Deadline is usually by the end of October and as I had taken part for the last, I think 12 years they called me a few days before the deadline and asked if I wanted to take part this year. Somehow the guy on the phone talked me into trying again, while I had actually already decided to stop following that dream because I couldn't imagine living so far away from my family anymore because I didn't feel mentally stable enough.
My first reaction should have been "YAY OMG THAT IS AWESOME" but it wasn't, it was more like "DAMN, not right now, why did I take part, can we please postpone it until 2025" I tried to be happy, I wished for at least a tiny bit of excitement...nothing. I almost had a panic attack and wanted to crawl in my bed and cry. I called my best friend and told her and she asked "what should we do now? Be happy or not?" and I didn't know.
To be honest, it sucks. And I cried a lot, I will cry even more over the next few days I am sure. And then I will say goodbye to my dream and let it go. The timing sucks and following through with it will give me more heartache than letting it go, at least that's what I am telling myself right now. My (mental) health is far more important than living 6000 miles away from home because if I am sick it is even harder for friends and family to visit and help. But it gives me this weird feeling of giving up and giving in to those damn voices in my head that are telling me I can't do it.
Burying a dream that is about to come true hurts bad, really fucking bad!!!
Irene
Freitag, 25. April 2014
Depression
Yes, you read the right, Depression...it is not only a very mean word, it is also a very mean state of mind one can be in. Being depressed is the worst thing in the whole wide world. And what is even worse, you can't really control it.
It usually starts in your head, a tiny thought pops up in your brain, maybe someone said something, you read something or something caught your attention otherwise which leads to a memory, that leads to another and all of a sudden you remember this really really bad time in your life and it starts a cascade of thoughts that you can not escape.
Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic...you have sworn not to touch alcohol and you avoid it as much as you can, or you have been gambling and lost a lot of money, so you decided not to do it anymore (and avoid going to Vegas on your vacation). No matter what happened, I am sure it is hard not to drink or gamble, but it is possible to avoid those things, e.g. by not spending time in a bar or in Vegas. But how can you escape the thoughts in your head, how can you make sure everyone around you avoids using words or sentences that trigger negative emotions or memories? You can't, and that is making it really hard to overcome a depression. Even though there might be a time in your life when the negative thoughts are kept at bay, be it because life is treating you good or because you are taking medication or maybe you have found a solution to the problem that was causig the negative thoughts, a state of mind in which you feel helpless and lost, sad and overwhelmed with even the tiniest obstacles can always happen again and it will creep up on you in no time.
I have been depressed and it was a horrible time in my life, I barely made it out of bed, I hardly had any appetite and thinking about food made it even worse, I was scared to leave the house, I couldn't do stuff on my own, I started crying out of nowhere and I wasn't able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty for feeling that way, I felt guilty for skipping dinner with them and it took all of my strength and energy to not cry in front of them and to smile when they told me something that made them happy. I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't be happy for my kids and even the slightest argument between them annoyed me to a point where I started yelling because I was so stressed by my own problems.
I have a more than awesome husband and some awesome friends who helped me through that time, I also had a very nice and empathic therapist. I know I have come a long way, I had been in therapy for almost 18 months (with depresson slowly starting even before I started therapy and other health problems I was sick for three years) by the time me and my therapist decided I had recovered enough so I could stop seeing her. That was last October and I have felt extremly good ever since then. Things that seemed unbearable 6 months prior to that date didn't bother me anymore, I could leave the house by myself and even went to some concerts on my own without any negative "I can't do that" feelings beforehand. I took care of my kids and even when my husband ahd to be away overnight for business it was fine.
Well, all of that up until about two weeks ago when I went to see this lady who is my supervisor at the local job center. As I am unemployed right now, due to being sick for such a long time, I need to meet with a supervisor around once every two months. The first time at the beginning of the year I had a very nice guy as a supervisor who completely understood my situation of being a mother and housewife and the fact that I don't really want a job right now as I still feel I need to recover from being sick for the last three years. But somehow the job center reorganized the responsibilities and I got a new supervisor. Now this lady lacks empathy and somehow felt she needed to tell me that I am obligated to apply for as many jobs as possible otherwise they will stop paying unemployment money. She is putting a lot of pressure on me and my still fragile mind which triggered this horrible feeling of being overwhelmed with even the smallest things. She is making me take a course in economics (which I studied ages ago) to "stay fit in the basics" which means I have to drive 45 minutes downtown every day to spend half a day in a classroom with people I don't know, doing stuff I don't want to do. And even though I know it is not the end of the world and most people would say "so what, suck it up and deal with it", for me it's not easy. Pressure is making me nervous and unstable and insecure. And the fact that some lady who doesn't know shit about me thinks she can put that pressure on me is bothering me.
A friend of mine, and my husband too, said I could just see my doc and ask him to write a note saying I am too sick (or not stable enough) to take that course but somehow for me that is cheating. Yes, I feel horrible and the thought of being forced to be there is making me uncomfortable. But I can't avoid anything that is making me cringe forever. At some point I will have to apply for jobs and I will have to sit through uncomfortable situations again. I have always been a fighter, up to the point that I wouldn't let anyone know how bad I was feeling and just sucking it up. I learned the hard way by crashing hard and hitting rock bottom, that no one can be happy and perfect and give 100% all the time and having a bad day, or week or month doesn't make you a bad person or failure. For me admitting and accepting that I am about to hit bottom again after being fine for 6 months is the hardest thing to do and getting this note from my doc would mean that I am not 100% over it but still in the "recovering" phase.
Following through with this course and the obligations is making me uncomfortable because I feel I still need time to be 100% myself again and to be able to really give 100% in whatever job I want to do. I need the freedom to apply for a job on my own terms and conditions to feel good. I can avoid all this by "officially" stating I am still not 100% myself and seeing my doc, but somehow "knowing" that inside of me and therefore living my life the way it is making me feel good and happy right now until I fell better and "officially" telling the world that I still need more time is a difference.
Does that make any sense??
Irene
It usually starts in your head, a tiny thought pops up in your brain, maybe someone said something, you read something or something caught your attention otherwise which leads to a memory, that leads to another and all of a sudden you remember this really really bad time in your life and it starts a cascade of thoughts that you can not escape.
Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic...you have sworn not to touch alcohol and you avoid it as much as you can, or you have been gambling and lost a lot of money, so you decided not to do it anymore (and avoid going to Vegas on your vacation). No matter what happened, I am sure it is hard not to drink or gamble, but it is possible to avoid those things, e.g. by not spending time in a bar or in Vegas. But how can you escape the thoughts in your head, how can you make sure everyone around you avoids using words or sentences that trigger negative emotions or memories? You can't, and that is making it really hard to overcome a depression. Even though there might be a time in your life when the negative thoughts are kept at bay, be it because life is treating you good or because you are taking medication or maybe you have found a solution to the problem that was causig the negative thoughts, a state of mind in which you feel helpless and lost, sad and overwhelmed with even the tiniest obstacles can always happen again and it will creep up on you in no time.
I have been depressed and it was a horrible time in my life, I barely made it out of bed, I hardly had any appetite and thinking about food made it even worse, I was scared to leave the house, I couldn't do stuff on my own, I started crying out of nowhere and I wasn't able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty for feeling that way, I felt guilty for skipping dinner with them and it took all of my strength and energy to not cry in front of them and to smile when they told me something that made them happy. I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't be happy for my kids and even the slightest argument between them annoyed me to a point where I started yelling because I was so stressed by my own problems.
I have a more than awesome husband and some awesome friends who helped me through that time, I also had a very nice and empathic therapist. I know I have come a long way, I had been in therapy for almost 18 months (with depresson slowly starting even before I started therapy and other health problems I was sick for three years) by the time me and my therapist decided I had recovered enough so I could stop seeing her. That was last October and I have felt extremly good ever since then. Things that seemed unbearable 6 months prior to that date didn't bother me anymore, I could leave the house by myself and even went to some concerts on my own without any negative "I can't do that" feelings beforehand. I took care of my kids and even when my husband ahd to be away overnight for business it was fine.
Well, all of that up until about two weeks ago when I went to see this lady who is my supervisor at the local job center. As I am unemployed right now, due to being sick for such a long time, I need to meet with a supervisor around once every two months. The first time at the beginning of the year I had a very nice guy as a supervisor who completely understood my situation of being a mother and housewife and the fact that I don't really want a job right now as I still feel I need to recover from being sick for the last three years. But somehow the job center reorganized the responsibilities and I got a new supervisor. Now this lady lacks empathy and somehow felt she needed to tell me that I am obligated to apply for as many jobs as possible otherwise they will stop paying unemployment money. She is putting a lot of pressure on me and my still fragile mind which triggered this horrible feeling of being overwhelmed with even the smallest things. She is making me take a course in economics (which I studied ages ago) to "stay fit in the basics" which means I have to drive 45 minutes downtown every day to spend half a day in a classroom with people I don't know, doing stuff I don't want to do. And even though I know it is not the end of the world and most people would say "so what, suck it up and deal with it", for me it's not easy. Pressure is making me nervous and unstable and insecure. And the fact that some lady who doesn't know shit about me thinks she can put that pressure on me is bothering me.
A friend of mine, and my husband too, said I could just see my doc and ask him to write a note saying I am too sick (or not stable enough) to take that course but somehow for me that is cheating. Yes, I feel horrible and the thought of being forced to be there is making me uncomfortable. But I can't avoid anything that is making me cringe forever. At some point I will have to apply for jobs and I will have to sit through uncomfortable situations again. I have always been a fighter, up to the point that I wouldn't let anyone know how bad I was feeling and just sucking it up. I learned the hard way by crashing hard and hitting rock bottom, that no one can be happy and perfect and give 100% all the time and having a bad day, or week or month doesn't make you a bad person or failure. For me admitting and accepting that I am about to hit bottom again after being fine for 6 months is the hardest thing to do and getting this note from my doc would mean that I am not 100% over it but still in the "recovering" phase.
Following through with this course and the obligations is making me uncomfortable because I feel I still need time to be 100% myself again and to be able to really give 100% in whatever job I want to do. I need the freedom to apply for a job on my own terms and conditions to feel good. I can avoid all this by "officially" stating I am still not 100% myself and seeing my doc, but somehow "knowing" that inside of me and therefore living my life the way it is making me feel good and happy right now until I fell better and "officially" telling the world that I still need more time is a difference.
Does that make any sense??
Irene
Samstag, 15. März 2014
M.I.A
Missing in Action for three months again, somehow I can't make myself write on a regular basis because I know that almost no one is reading this anyways.
Wish I had some lovely readers to kick my butt once in a while.
Might have to do some shameless self-promoting. Or maybe I am just not meant to be a Blogger.
*sigh*
Irene
P.S. if you are reading this, why don't you leave a comment...yes you, dear reader who accidentally stumbled across my blog...I'd love to hear from you!
Wish I had some lovely readers to kick my butt once in a while.
Might have to do some shameless self-promoting. Or maybe I am just not meant to be a Blogger.
*sigh*
Irene
P.S. if you are reading this, why don't you leave a comment...yes you, dear reader who accidentally stumbled across my blog...I'd love to hear from you!
Samstag, 7. Dezember 2013
Cakes and more
Warning: lots of pics to follow* (and I am not responsible if you are hungry afterwards)
With Christmas approaching fast (and as always totally unexpected) I started my annual tradition of baking a ton of christmas cookies again. This year it all started on Nov. 20th, because it was a national holiday and the kids were home from school and kindergarten all day. So we invited friends over and baked the first sugar cookies (two moms and four kids aged 1 1/2 to 6 - glad the mess wasn't that bad).The last few days we continued baking with the kids and now have a few tin boxes full of yummy cookies and brownies.
While baking and later sharing pics online I remembered that I always wanted to write a blog post showing off my creations. I wouldn't say I am a pro, more like far from pro, because I can't really practise and have no professional background (and if I practised more someone would have to eat a lot of cake). Also unfortunately in Germany it is not possible to open up a business selling Cakes, Cookies and more from home if you are not a "Konditor" or "Bäcker" which means a licensed baker, which also means you had at least a three year training and went to school. I would totally love to open a small shop or cafe and sell baked stuff...but that's a different story.
When I started writing this blog I wrote a post about how I started to get into baking, you can read it here. It also shows a few pics of the things I baked back then (which will show up here again probably).
Let me show you some of the things I have baked during the last years, I hope that the will show my progress and that I did get a bit better and practised. Feedback will therefore be greatly appreciated.
Hope you enjoyed my creations!
Irene
With Christmas approaching fast (and as always totally unexpected) I started my annual tradition of baking a ton of christmas cookies again. This year it all started on Nov. 20th, because it was a national holiday and the kids were home from school and kindergarten all day. So we invited friends over and baked the first sugar cookies (two moms and four kids aged 1 1/2 to 6 - glad the mess wasn't that bad).The last few days we continued baking with the kids and now have a few tin boxes full of yummy cookies and brownies.
While baking and later sharing pics online I remembered that I always wanted to write a blog post showing off my creations. I wouldn't say I am a pro, more like far from pro, because I can't really practise and have no professional background (and if I practised more someone would have to eat a lot of cake). Also unfortunately in Germany it is not possible to open up a business selling Cakes, Cookies and more from home if you are not a "Konditor" or "Bäcker" which means a licensed baker, which also means you had at least a three year training and went to school. I would totally love to open a small shop or cafe and sell baked stuff...but that's a different story.
When I started writing this blog I wrote a post about how I started to get into baking, you can read it here. It also shows a few pics of the things I baked back then (which will show up here again probably).
Let me show you some of the things I have baked during the last years, I hope that the will show my progress and that I did get a bit better and practised. Feedback will therefore be greatly appreciated.
Birthday Cakes for my daughter when she turned 4, she wanted a Barbie- and a Horsecake (like I already showed in the other post, I was so damn proud of the horse - mad out of fondant so it is edible just like the fence and grass, it took me one whole evening). The Barbie skirt is also fondant.
Cherry Cake with Marzipan, I made it for my own birthday brunch
Like seen it the other post, 50th birthday cake for our former neighbour, also the detailed fondant flowers on the side
Triple Chocolate Muffins and Pineapple Cake, these are also shown in details in the other post
Barbie Cake for my daughters friends birthday, everything edible except Barbie herself
Baby Shower Cake I made for a friend of a friend
Rainbow Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting and Sprinkles, I made this for one of our New Years Eve Parties
My daughters 5th Birthday Party Theme was Ballerinas, so I baked a Ballerina Cake and Ballerina Cookies to also take home for her friends
Cinnamon Rolls with Glaze as a sunday treat
Christmas Cookies (Caramel Shortbread, Chocolate Chip and Vanilla Stars)
Birthday Cakes for my Sons Birthday
Birthday Cake for my husband when he turned 30, he loves to Barbeque (all edible, the Steak and sausages are chocolate cake, the corn is a marshmallow with fondant)
Butterfly Cupcakes
Vanilla Cupcakes with Cream Cheese topping and Strawberry Sauce
Yet another Barbie Cake for a friends daughter
Double Chocolate Cupcakes with cherry whipped cream, chocolate glaze and fresh cherry on top
Cookies with Strawberry and Lemon curd, a Blueberry-Lemon Cake and a Tiramisu Cake. I made these for a Birthday Party where we celebrated my Dads and Sisters birthday, they are born only two days apart.
30 Seconds to Mars Cookies
homemade Samoas (Girl Scout Cookies)
Chocolate Cupcakes with white chocolate Cream and chocolate covered Coffee beans
This one is my favourite and most awesome cake and I am so damn proud of myself. My friends daughter wanted a Zoo Cake and she loves monkeys. Everything is edible. Making the monkey took me like 3 days I think.
Cakes for my daughter when she started school, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and nuts, dark chocoalte cake covered in white chocolate whipped cream and the other one is lemon cake with pink lemon mousse.
Irene
Donnerstag, 1. August 2013
Work
So I am sitting at work right now, alas I should be working, right. But to be honest, I don't really feel like it and therefore I decided to at least start a Blogpost, telling you why I don't feel like working and why I don't really like my work anymore. This wasn't the case all the time, I used to really love working here.
I started about two years ago, after I had been sick for a while and also lost my job in December 2010. I had been home for about 9 months and started to feel bored and anxious to get out of the house. I searched the Internet for a while because I didn't want to have a long commute because I knew I didn't want to work more than 3-4 hours a day. So an hour or more to commute would have been pointless.
I found this really small Start-Up Company and applied for a 20-hours a week part-time job at which I also had the opportunity to work from home if necessary and it was only a 10 minute drive from home. Basically it was my boss, his assistant, one sales rep and me, plus the wife of my boss who came in every once in a while to help with office stuff like sorting documents, xeroxing and scanning. I liked it a lot and even though I had lots of stuff to learn I felt comfortable in what I was doing.
About 4 months after I started my boss's assistant had to quit because of health issues and therefore we ended up alone at the office for a few months before finding an intern who stayed 6 months. During that time work was overwhelming and I ended up working overtime, sometimes even on a saturday, plus about once a month I had to work evenings for meetings. Things started to become hectic and then a private disaster happened. My daughter, who was 5 at that time, needed open-heart surgery. I started to be sick again on a regular basis,probably because of emotional stress, my immune system wasn't the best, I worried and had depressive episodes. Through all this time my boss was very understanding, he always said family comes first and health is more important. Whenever I talked to someone about my work, I said how much I appreciate him as my boss, knowing others have a lot more problems at work.
In the end I had to take time off for about 5 weeks to care for my daughter, but as my boss asked a few times if I couldn't come in at least a few hours or take stuff home to work I agreed, arranging with him that those hours will be handled as overtime. Back then it all worked out fine for everyone. As my husband also works from his home-office it wasn't a problem to go to work for an hour or two while my son was at the kindergarten in the morning and my daughter was at home watching TV. In the end I had enough overtime for about 10 days and took some over the christmas holidays because most of my vacation had been used up during the year already.
But, as mentioned before, life sometimes throws you a curve ball and you have to deal with lots of unexpected things all of a sudden. Psychologically I felt better, healthwise not so much and in the end I decided that I need to quit working. I do have a huge surgery coming in September and all in all, even though the job isn't that stressful, I feel like it is draining my energy. I get up, get the kids ready for Kindergarten, go to work, come home, have about 2 hours to do stuff like laundry, bills or whatever the heck needs to be done and then pick up the kids again. Those two hours are just not enough. Throw in a surgery that has an estimated recovery time of around 6-8 weeks and the fact that my contract would have had to be renewed in September I decided to tell my boss I do not want to renew it right away and am unsure if I will ever return.
NOW, we are at the point I am right now. Boss knows I am leaving, we do have a girl here now who came as a 3 month intern, was suppossed to leave in June but has extended her stay until October and is doing a pretty damn good job, so I am basically useless right now. And boss has started to treat me that way. As soon as I tell him I have a problem and need his help I am snarled at, he once told me he thinks "I am playing dumb because I don't want to do it and I am leaving soon anyways". I am getting all the work on my desk that he doesn't feel like doing and he constantly is annoyed if I ask him something or tell him I have a problem with stuff.
Worst situation was when we had a huge Summerparty together with some Business Partners and a) I wasn't asked to work there because it was on a Sunday and he assumed I didn't want to because I have family (and I would gather overtime hours) b) when I showed up anyways because I wanted to help and my kids wanted to see what I was doing he told me I wasn't needed and c) I later found out everyone else including Business Partners, Interns, Sales Rep and himself plus his wife and daughter had gotten some nice Incentive for working on a Sunday (basically everyone except me). I have worked my ass off, spend lots of extra hours at work and usually didn't say no. And that's the way to thank me...plus he argued about my overtime and vacation trying to give me less than I still have left.
I am sooo done with him and the job, just glad I only have 6 more days. At the same time I am sad it turned out this way.
Did something like that ever happen to you? And how did you deal with it?
Irene
I started about two years ago, after I had been sick for a while and also lost my job in December 2010. I had been home for about 9 months and started to feel bored and anxious to get out of the house. I searched the Internet for a while because I didn't want to have a long commute because I knew I didn't want to work more than 3-4 hours a day. So an hour or more to commute would have been pointless.
I found this really small Start-Up Company and applied for a 20-hours a week part-time job at which I also had the opportunity to work from home if necessary and it was only a 10 minute drive from home. Basically it was my boss, his assistant, one sales rep and me, plus the wife of my boss who came in every once in a while to help with office stuff like sorting documents, xeroxing and scanning. I liked it a lot and even though I had lots of stuff to learn I felt comfortable in what I was doing.
About 4 months after I started my boss's assistant had to quit because of health issues and therefore we ended up alone at the office for a few months before finding an intern who stayed 6 months. During that time work was overwhelming and I ended up working overtime, sometimes even on a saturday, plus about once a month I had to work evenings for meetings. Things started to become hectic and then a private disaster happened. My daughter, who was 5 at that time, needed open-heart surgery. I started to be sick again on a regular basis,probably because of emotional stress, my immune system wasn't the best, I worried and had depressive episodes. Through all this time my boss was very understanding, he always said family comes first and health is more important. Whenever I talked to someone about my work, I said how much I appreciate him as my boss, knowing others have a lot more problems at work.
In the end I had to take time off for about 5 weeks to care for my daughter, but as my boss asked a few times if I couldn't come in at least a few hours or take stuff home to work I agreed, arranging with him that those hours will be handled as overtime. Back then it all worked out fine for everyone. As my husband also works from his home-office it wasn't a problem to go to work for an hour or two while my son was at the kindergarten in the morning and my daughter was at home watching TV. In the end I had enough overtime for about 10 days and took some over the christmas holidays because most of my vacation had been used up during the year already.
But, as mentioned before, life sometimes throws you a curve ball and you have to deal with lots of unexpected things all of a sudden. Psychologically I felt better, healthwise not so much and in the end I decided that I need to quit working. I do have a huge surgery coming in September and all in all, even though the job isn't that stressful, I feel like it is draining my energy. I get up, get the kids ready for Kindergarten, go to work, come home, have about 2 hours to do stuff like laundry, bills or whatever the heck needs to be done and then pick up the kids again. Those two hours are just not enough. Throw in a surgery that has an estimated recovery time of around 6-8 weeks and the fact that my contract would have had to be renewed in September I decided to tell my boss I do not want to renew it right away and am unsure if I will ever return.
NOW, we are at the point I am right now. Boss knows I am leaving, we do have a girl here now who came as a 3 month intern, was suppossed to leave in June but has extended her stay until October and is doing a pretty damn good job, so I am basically useless right now. And boss has started to treat me that way. As soon as I tell him I have a problem and need his help I am snarled at, he once told me he thinks "I am playing dumb because I don't want to do it and I am leaving soon anyways". I am getting all the work on my desk that he doesn't feel like doing and he constantly is annoyed if I ask him something or tell him I have a problem with stuff.
Worst situation was when we had a huge Summerparty together with some Business Partners and a) I wasn't asked to work there because it was on a Sunday and he assumed I didn't want to because I have family (and I would gather overtime hours) b) when I showed up anyways because I wanted to help and my kids wanted to see what I was doing he told me I wasn't needed and c) I later found out everyone else including Business Partners, Interns, Sales Rep and himself plus his wife and daughter had gotten some nice Incentive for working on a Sunday (basically everyone except me). I have worked my ass off, spend lots of extra hours at work and usually didn't say no. And that's the way to thank me...plus he argued about my overtime and vacation trying to give me less than I still have left.
I am sooo done with him and the job, just glad I only have 6 more days. At the same time I am sad it turned out this way.
Did something like that ever happen to you? And how did you deal with it?
Irene
Mittwoch, 31. Juli 2013
Gardening
Honestly, if you would have asked me a few years ago if I would ever see myself in shorts and a shirt, all sweaty and dirty, crouching under a tree removing weeds or moving the lawn or cutting back bushes I would have laughed at you so hard I probably wuld have fallen off my chair.
Gardening, that means digging up dirt, watering plants, having all kinds of creepy bugs lazily crawl over your feet, mosquito bites, dark rims on your fingernails and lots more...never in a million years would I have imagined I would actually think that is fun, or relaxing, or something I look forward too.
Last Summer, having just gotten over my first bad episode of depression, I found that doing work in our backyard, removing all the weeds that had been annoying me ever since the first few sunny days had started, was actually something that I liked. While doing that you can either think about everything going on in your head, debating pros and cons while violently yanking out those pesky dandelions growing in between the cobblestones on the walkway to your front door, or you can just not think about anything at all, humming the melody to the last song you heard and getting a tan, or more likely in my case, sunburned.
While growing up I never really had to do any gardening. I grew up in a house with a yard in the front and a yard in the back, it was the middle one in a row of Town Houses. The yard in the front had a lawn, some bushes, trees and flowers and a small Hedge in the front so strangers couldn't easily see anything going on in our yard. The back was paved and we had a table tennis table there. My parents didn't believe in doing any work except maybe mowing the lawn. For cutting back trees or bushes and planting flowers the would hire someone. My dad owns his own law firm and therefore worked a lot, around 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.To compensate all the hard work we spend every vacation going to some (far away) place to relax on the beach. Not one vacation was spend at home, so we basically never used our yard.
My husband grew up totally different. His parents lived in a small apartment and owned a "Schrebergarten" (Leo.Org translates it with Garden Plot). I don't really know how common that concept is in other countries but in Germany it is very popular. People living in apartments (some even without a balcony or in the downtown areas) rent small areas on the outskirts of the city as their own yard. These yards are actually quite big and almost everyone has a small Cabin on it, complete with a camping toilet and a small kitchen. Some only have a huge lawn, a small pool, swings and sandbox for the kids or a pond for fishes, some also have plot to grow vegetables and trees to grow fruits. People go there every weekend for barbeques or to relax in the sun. A lot of them have a middle class or lower class income so spending your days in the Schrebergarten is their kind of vacation because they might not be able to afford going somwhere.
My Parents-in-Law grow their own Tomatoes, Potatoes, Asparagus, they have an Apple tree and I think a Cherry Tree too. My husband learned very early on to help with gardening, planting stuff and harvesting it later. So when we were looking for a house to rent he insisted on a yard, the bigger, the better. The place that we live in right now has a small yard, too small for him so he is constantly complaining. In the beginning I didn't really care, I never thought I would every help him do anything and basically didn't care how it looked, if the grass was too long or green enough and if there were weeds and leafs everywhere. During the really hot summer days I preferred to spend my time inside, drinking Iced Coffee and reading.
To me it is kind of amazing how I have changed in the last year, I have started liking things I never would have thought possible.
So what do you do when you need time to think about stuff. And do hey have the concept of Garden Plots where you live. Did your parents have one if you are from Germany?
Irene
Gardening, that means digging up dirt, watering plants, having all kinds of creepy bugs lazily crawl over your feet, mosquito bites, dark rims on your fingernails and lots more...never in a million years would I have imagined I would actually think that is fun, or relaxing, or something I look forward too.
Last Summer, having just gotten over my first bad episode of depression, I found that doing work in our backyard, removing all the weeds that had been annoying me ever since the first few sunny days had started, was actually something that I liked. While doing that you can either think about everything going on in your head, debating pros and cons while violently yanking out those pesky dandelions growing in between the cobblestones on the walkway to your front door, or you can just not think about anything at all, humming the melody to the last song you heard and getting a tan, or more likely in my case, sunburned.
While growing up I never really had to do any gardening. I grew up in a house with a yard in the front and a yard in the back, it was the middle one in a row of Town Houses. The yard in the front had a lawn, some bushes, trees and flowers and a small Hedge in the front so strangers couldn't easily see anything going on in our yard. The back was paved and we had a table tennis table there. My parents didn't believe in doing any work except maybe mowing the lawn. For cutting back trees or bushes and planting flowers the would hire someone. My dad owns his own law firm and therefore worked a lot, around 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.To compensate all the hard work we spend every vacation going to some (far away) place to relax on the beach. Not one vacation was spend at home, so we basically never used our yard.
My husband grew up totally different. His parents lived in a small apartment and owned a "Schrebergarten" (Leo.Org translates it with Garden Plot). I don't really know how common that concept is in other countries but in Germany it is very popular. People living in apartments (some even without a balcony or in the downtown areas) rent small areas on the outskirts of the city as their own yard. These yards are actually quite big and almost everyone has a small Cabin on it, complete with a camping toilet and a small kitchen. Some only have a huge lawn, a small pool, swings and sandbox for the kids or a pond for fishes, some also have plot to grow vegetables and trees to grow fruits. People go there every weekend for barbeques or to relax in the sun. A lot of them have a middle class or lower class income so spending your days in the Schrebergarten is their kind of vacation because they might not be able to afford going somwhere.
My Parents-in-Law grow their own Tomatoes, Potatoes, Asparagus, they have an Apple tree and I think a Cherry Tree too. My husband learned very early on to help with gardening, planting stuff and harvesting it later. So when we were looking for a house to rent he insisted on a yard, the bigger, the better. The place that we live in right now has a small yard, too small for him so he is constantly complaining. In the beginning I didn't really care, I never thought I would every help him do anything and basically didn't care how it looked, if the grass was too long or green enough and if there were weeds and leafs everywhere. During the really hot summer days I preferred to spend my time inside, drinking Iced Coffee and reading.
To me it is kind of amazing how I have changed in the last year, I have started liking things I never would have thought possible.
So what do you do when you need time to think about stuff. And do hey have the concept of Garden Plots where you live. Did your parents have one if you are from Germany?
Irene
Dienstag, 30. Juli 2013
It's been a while
So...this blog was kinda quite for the last...ummm...8 months. On the one hand it is not really tragic because, to be honest, one like 2 or 3 people actually read it currently. On the other hand I am mad at myself for not writing more because every once in a while I have caught myself thinking "hey it would be helpful to write/talk about your problems/ideas/opinions and maybe someone will have an advice." When I started blogging it was for fun, I wanted to do it on a regular basis, I love blogs and enjoy reading those that I read a lot. I am fascinated by being able to take a sneak-peak into the life of other people around the globe. And I thought if I keep this up and running regularly, maybe someone might enjoy sneak-peaking into my life.
But like someone, apparently John Lennon, once said (it's one of my favourite quotes)
"life is what is happening while you are busy making other plans"
So life has been busy, hectic and stressful in the last few months. I have been sick a lot and had to stay in bed a lot and basically was unhappy with myself, my health and my life. I'll spare anyone reading this the details, first of all they are personal, second of all I don't want to remember it and start dwelling on it again and third I don't want to sound like I am whining about stuff that I can't change anyways.
I have been seeing a therapist once a week since September last year because I have been suffering from depression and anxiety attacks regularly. I had been sick and in the hospital for a lot of different reasons almost every 6 months since October 2010 and at some point I started to feel so insecure about myself and my health that even thinking about leaving my house and doing something outside of my routine scared the shit out of me because I knew/thought/feared I would become sick again. In reality this wasn't true, no one has to go to the hospital because they don't follow their daily routine of getting up, going to work, cleaning and doing laundry. But my immune system was so weak that I got a flu as soon as some sneezed next to me and I just didn't dare do anything out of the ordinary. Being faced with challenges scared the hell out of me and led to panic attacks making it impossible to do anything on my own.
Those weeks and months were challenging because the job my hubby has usually requires him to go on business trips overnight almost every week. Not being able to deal with stuff on my own made it impossible for him to leave me and our kids home alone and so he only left us alone if he really couldn't avoid it. I became more and more dependant on him and felt like I couldn't do anything alone anymore. Needless to say that led to lots of fighting because he just didn't understand (he'd never been in a situation that scared him so much that he couldn't face it alone or had felt sick and weak as much as I did). He felt like "I should just get my shit together" and I felt like he is not supporting me and leaving me alone (after once promising me "in sickness and in health"). To sum it up, the last 6 months basically sucked!!
But somehow through a lot of talking, analyzing, and also asking my hubby to come to my therapist with me we sorted out the fears I had and found some solutions we both could live with. I learned a lot about myself and had the change to realize some things that happened in the past which probably led to me being the way I am today. I learned to live with the fact that I can't change the past and I can't change the way people are and how they treat me. I have learned (but still struggle with actually following through with it) that I can't and don't have to please everyone and be nice to people that don't give a shit. My health is a bit better, not perfect and I am still facing a huge surgery in September (maybe even two). But I have learned to cope with my problems by myself and so two weeks ago my threapist and I agreed that we think I made so much progress that we will stop the weekly meetings, I will come one more time right before the summer vacation starts and then we will see how it goes when we come back in September. I am really really proud of myself for reaching that point.
I would say I am far from being perfect, flawless and totally content but I am far more happy with myself and my life that I was a year ago. Now out of 7 days a week I am happy on 4 or 5 out of them, a few months ago it was the other way around.
Let's hope I will get back into the routine of writing about some more or less interesting things that happen in my crazy yet kinda boring life. If you read this (and maybe go back through the bits I have written before disappearing from the blogosphere) and like it come back and maybe tell your friends, I'd love it if someone will give me feedback.
Irene
But like someone, apparently John Lennon, once said (it's one of my favourite quotes)
"life is what is happening while you are busy making other plans"
So life has been busy, hectic and stressful in the last few months. I have been sick a lot and had to stay in bed a lot and basically was unhappy with myself, my health and my life. I'll spare anyone reading this the details, first of all they are personal, second of all I don't want to remember it and start dwelling on it again and third I don't want to sound like I am whining about stuff that I can't change anyways.
I have been seeing a therapist once a week since September last year because I have been suffering from depression and anxiety attacks regularly. I had been sick and in the hospital for a lot of different reasons almost every 6 months since October 2010 and at some point I started to feel so insecure about myself and my health that even thinking about leaving my house and doing something outside of my routine scared the shit out of me because I knew/thought/feared I would become sick again. In reality this wasn't true, no one has to go to the hospital because they don't follow their daily routine of getting up, going to work, cleaning and doing laundry. But my immune system was so weak that I got a flu as soon as some sneezed next to me and I just didn't dare do anything out of the ordinary. Being faced with challenges scared the hell out of me and led to panic attacks making it impossible to do anything on my own.
Those weeks and months were challenging because the job my hubby has usually requires him to go on business trips overnight almost every week. Not being able to deal with stuff on my own made it impossible for him to leave me and our kids home alone and so he only left us alone if he really couldn't avoid it. I became more and more dependant on him and felt like I couldn't do anything alone anymore. Needless to say that led to lots of fighting because he just didn't understand (he'd never been in a situation that scared him so much that he couldn't face it alone or had felt sick and weak as much as I did). He felt like "I should just get my shit together" and I felt like he is not supporting me and leaving me alone (after once promising me "in sickness and in health"). To sum it up, the last 6 months basically sucked!!
But somehow through a lot of talking, analyzing, and also asking my hubby to come to my therapist with me we sorted out the fears I had and found some solutions we both could live with. I learned a lot about myself and had the change to realize some things that happened in the past which probably led to me being the way I am today. I learned to live with the fact that I can't change the past and I can't change the way people are and how they treat me. I have learned (but still struggle with actually following through with it) that I can't and don't have to please everyone and be nice to people that don't give a shit. My health is a bit better, not perfect and I am still facing a huge surgery in September (maybe even two). But I have learned to cope with my problems by myself and so two weeks ago my threapist and I agreed that we think I made so much progress that we will stop the weekly meetings, I will come one more time right before the summer vacation starts and then we will see how it goes when we come back in September. I am really really proud of myself for reaching that point.
I would say I am far from being perfect, flawless and totally content but I am far more happy with myself and my life that I was a year ago. Now out of 7 days a week I am happy on 4 or 5 out of them, a few months ago it was the other way around.
Let's hope I will get back into the routine of writing about some more or less interesting things that happen in my crazy yet kinda boring life. If you read this (and maybe go back through the bits I have written before disappearing from the blogosphere) and like it come back and maybe tell your friends, I'd love it if someone will give me feedback.
Irene
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