WTF happened and why should I care?

I have had a weird conversation with my husband yesterday. Usually we don't really talk politics because honestly, I am not really a politic person. Not that I don't care, I am just easily overwhelmed, and frustrated with politics so I mostly avoid getting into it. Or reading the newspaper. Or watching the news on TV.

But the last two/three days you couldn't get around talking politics and worrying about the future. At least I couldn't. I woke up Wednesday, checked my twitter and my newsfeed and was shocked. In disbelief. Worried. Frustrated. Almost in Tears. Trump won! How could Trump win? WTF happened...

I am still in disbelief, following the news online all day, sometimes barely able to do anything. I wanted to stay in bed Wednesday because I felt so bad (also I had just overcome a flu). And being a person who always verbalizes her feelings and needs to talk about it, I am talking about it. Which leads us to this weird conversation with my husband. He is a rather non-emotional, very rational person who doesn't really talk about his feelings. He doesn't dwell on things. He is only concerned about the "here-and-now". He doesn't understand me, even more, my behavior annoys him. Key argument that kind of shocked me was "why do you even bother thinking about it? We don't live in America, he is not our President. Why do you care??"

How ignorant and dumb can you be? And how did I miss the fact that my husband seems to not care? About a guy who hates women...or blacks...or muslims...or gay people...or basically anyone except himself. A guy who now has power over nuclear weapons and could easily bomb anyone. A guy who behaves like a 5-year old that has his candy taken away, as soon as someone disagrees with him.

I am white...I own a bit of money that I inherited from my family...I don't need to worry about food or a place to stay... I own a house...my husband has a job that is well payed...I am privileged if you want to say so. I am someone that wouldn't have to worry about bullying, name-calling or being harassed if I lived in the USA. So why do I care, why do I bother thinking about it. I am in that group of human beings Trump likes (mostly, minus the fact that I am a woman)...except that I am not.

- I support LGBTQ
- I am a Democrat
- almost all of my friends in the US voted for Hillary
- I have black friends
- my kids have muslim friends, chinese friends and friends from lots of other countries. I love that!
- my sister worked with refugees (my mom too) and used to be head of a refugee home

We have friends in the US. I used to live and work there for a while back in 98/99 and I loved it! (now I even think about cancelling our vacation plans for next years summer trip to Florida) One of my best friends lives in Chicago, she is German, she got married there so she owns a Greencard, her husband is black and she has an 18-months old daughter. I am a f**king scared something will happen to her or her family. Fact is, she is an immigrant and her husband is black. She sent a Whats App on Wednesday saying "after the shock there is only one thing on my mind  : help, get me out of here!" I almost cried.

One thing my husband is right about is the fact that there is really nothing I can do about it. It is what it is. The people decided to vote for Trump and now we all have to live with that. All I can do is oppose his views and tell everyone how wrong that view of the world is. And be good...and do good...and vote here in Germany next year so we don't follow in Americas footsteps!

Alone vs. lonely

The last few weeks have been rough. My life has changed in so many ways, I don't even know where to start. Things have been shaken, stirred and turned upside down and nothing is like it used to be anymore.

My marriage is at the verge of being extinct, it looks like I will be an Ex-wife, a divorcee in the near future and with that comes a totally new state of life. Being alone. Technically I won't be alone-alone. I still have my kids, but right now I am not even sure if they will permanently live with me or my (still) husband. I don't feel mentally stable right now to care for them in an appropriate way on a daily basis without being overwhelmed too much and hurting myself (mentally, not physically) or them with my behavior even more than being separated for their father will already do. But their father is also not really stable mentally right now because the fact that I told him I want to end our marriage has shaken him and his world like nothing else before.

Things have not been peachy and happy for a while now. I was very sick and then very depressed and he was totally overwhelmed and helpless with helping me and caring for himself in the process. The last year has been rough and after moving back home to my hometown I had hoped things will get better and it would save the tiny rest of hope and feelings we still had for each other. I know, changing the location will not eliminate the underlying problems but we both hoped that it would stir us in the right direction to find our way back together. Unfortunately nothing helped and the things we hoped for didn't happen.

But back to the topic of being alone versus being lonely. I haven't been alone in the last 15 years, except a few days once in a while when my husband was on business trips or back when we still had a long-distance relationship, or at ties when I was in the hospital. I am not used to it and it feels horrible. And then a friend of mine said, maybe it is not that your are alone, but the fact that you feel lonely. Being alone can be fun, and helpful in the process of finding back to yourself, you can do whatever you want and no one gets hurt or feels neglected. Feeling lonely makes you feel helpless, unhappy and unloved. And it usually stems from the fact that you can not be alone with yourself. Because you are not used to your own company and you don't know what to do with yourself. Right now I hate being alone because my thoughts are way too loud and the voices in my head talk to me in a way I don't like. They tell me I didn't do the right thing, they tell me what a horrible person I am, they question everything I did and said and felt or feel. And there is no one around to talk to and quite them or someone who makes me think about something else. I would rather be "alone" in the company of others where each person can do what they want but you are still there to talk to each other when you feel like it. Being alone in our apartment when no one is there is hard for me.

I have forgotten how to be alone with myself just due to the fact that, forced by the way we lived and being sick for such a long time, I just never had the chance or felt the urge to be it. But in the last months I have overcome being sick, I have overcome feeling helpless and weak and have found my inner strength again. I want to be independent and live my life the way I feel is right. And by that I have realized I need to change my surroundings, I need to break free from the life that reminds me of being weak and sick. I need to be away from the people that remind me of it every day, just by being around, like my husband and unfortunately also my kids. I need to find myself again and in the process it is probably necessary to be alone. I just didn't realize that by telling the people I (still) love that I need to be alone, I hurt them and they won't understand and maybe they do not want to be there anymore when I come back from finding myself.

And I never realized that with being alone, there is also the unbelievably overwhelming feeling of being lonely.

Irene

Emotions

I am and have always been a very emotional person and with all my health issues and health scares and everything that has been going on the last few years it hasn't gotten any better, it is even more obvious now. I cry easily, I am easily overwhelmed by my feelings, certain lyrics or quotes or even emotional stories I hear on TV or the radio can make me tear up easily. It is nothing I do on purpose, nothing I can control really, but it is sometimes inappropriate in certain situations and I have tried to control it as much as possible, which seems to be the most stupid thing to do because why would you want to control your feelings and emotions to the point of actually hiding them, but unfortunately being overly emotional is not considered to be a beneficial trait in today's society.

As I am currently researching and learning as much as possible about the traits of being an HSP (highly sensitive person - you can read my post about it here) I have come to the conclusion that being overly emotional is just one of the many traits of being an HSP. Sensitivity and emotions go hand in hand and there really is nothing I can do about it. And I shouldn't have to do anything about it because it is one of the things that makes ME be ME. And I shouldn't have to apologize for being ME. Which unfortunately is one of the biggest problems I have. I have been told one too many times that being me is not satisfying for others around me. I have been told I should be different and behave differently and people have tried to make me behave differently, more the way they wanted, by means of negative comments about how I work or handle situations or how I react to obstacles that arise.

All this has mostly happened during my childhood and teen years, it mostly concerns the dynamics between me and my parents and I don't really want to go into too much detail about it. After all this is just a blog somewhere out in the wild WWW and even if it is quasi-anonymous and it is MINE, so I could basically write about whatever the f**k I want, some of it is just way too personal. Which is why I have been in therapy for a while and am currently trying to find a new therapist here after the move. Because I see the need in addressing these issues to overcome them and be happier afterwards.

The incident that triggered my curiosity about why I behave in certain ways and why I am so emotional about it was the behavior of someone I thought was my friend (and who might actually still consider herself one of my friends even though I am reconsidering it), but is someone who has a totally different approach to emotional situations than me. Somehow she can't accept that I am dealing with the emotional stress I am experiencing right now my way and not hers. And not only is she unable to accept it, she also doesn't want to help me deal with it my way, she would rather not hear about it at all, which means we won't be in contact anymore. She basically said "I can't be a good friend to you with that, I can't accept the way you want me to treat you (I said please be gentle,patient and easy with me and spare me the harsh words, I can't deal with it), I don't believe in gentle and easy and sparing you the truth, that's not doing you any good" Which made me reconsider the friendship and even for that I had to justify myself in front of my husband who thinks I shouldn't be too emotional about it ("why don't you accept her opinion and maybe try her approach, I am sure she only wants to help" - well, her approach is against MY nature, so thank you very much but NO thanks!)

I am emotional to a point where, if anything upsets me, I am unable to think about anything else and I am not happy or content and can't really focus on anything else 100% if my emotional situation is not solved or at least I have found the time and right person to talk and discuss it or ask for opinions and maybe am presented with a solution or a way to deal with it better. Plus I just don't want to talk to people about anything else concerning myself, emotions, worries, heartache or anything in general if I know there is a topic I have to exclude. If a friend is not there for me 100% and excludes certain things from the list of topics (especially emotional things), I just don't want to be friends anymore. The way I understand friendship is "I am always there for you, no matter what and I will help you as much as I can" If that means dealing with emotional things the way my friend needs it, even if I have to listen to her irrational ramblings 100 times, I will do it and I won't make her feel stupid for behaving the way she does.

How do you handle your feelings? Are you very emotional?

Irene

On my mind

Pinterest is evil, it will suck you in and never let you go and all of a sudden you find yourself sitting on the couch way past your bedtime, pinning recipes you will never cook and crying over beautiful quotes or dreaming about the perfect (but horribly expensive) dream vacation on St. Lucia.

BUT

The really really great thing about Pinterest is that you find quotes that tell your story, that express exactly what you think or how you feel.

These are the ones that explain my life right now, some are even surprisingly spot-on!

And if you made it this far, I think the most powerful one is this one!!

I wish he knew...or cared! Or actually, I think I know that he knows...I wish he would tell me he knows and he is sorry for it!

Irene

HSP

During the times when I was depressed I tried to find reasons for my situation, I didn't want to be stuck being the way I was, so I tried to find out myself why I was struck by my mood swings, what could be the reason for me not wanting to get out of bed, for feeling down, for crying almost every day. I googled and read a lot about Depression, what could be reasons someone develops a Depression, how being physically sick for such a long time could have influenced it, if there are also reasons in my past, in the way I grew up, if my parents and their behavior towards me played a part in it, too.

When I googled I came across something else that was very interesting and struck a chord with me. Not only because it was something concerning me, but I also realized it might be something that concerned my son, because I had noticed his behavior was a little different than the one I remembered from his older sister and it seemed he was more sensitive, he felt pain a lot more, he started crying easily, it was hard to calm him down and other things. I read about AD(H)D and came across something called HSP.

HSP is the short form of "highly sensitive person". HSP is something that has not been researched a lot but is gaining popularity during the last few years. The first time HSP was mentioned was in 1996 by Dr. Elaine N. Aron who had been doing research about differences in behavior for a few years prior. As I can't write down all the things about it I will link you to Wiki for it, you can find everything about it here. Also if you are interested, Dr. Aron's website can be found here.

Someone who is an HSP is overly sensitive to stimulation around them (stimulation can be any impulse or sensation or feeling). HSPs tend to be easily overwhelmed by lights, sounds, smells or a hectic environment, also when they are asked to do a lot of things at once or if there is more than one problem that needs to be solved at the same time. They need to withdraw from situation that are too overwhelming to feel better, which often means they withdraw to a dark room or a quiet place to come down to find relief.

HSPs often pay a lot of attention to subleties, they are very empathetic, they can notice a change in the mood of others quickly and try to help those around them if they can. HSPs put a lot more effort into their thoughts, trying to shine a light on any possible outcome of the situation they or others are in. They reflect more thoroughly on the past. They also tend to ask for a lot of opinions from people they trust before making a decision.

All these traits make out an HSP. Most of these are not very useful in a world where everything is loud and fast and people pay more attention to materialistic values instead of emotional worth. Which is why a lot of HSP try to fit into this environment so no one notices they are different, they jump trough hoops to fit in and in the meantime are totally overwhelmed and unable to cope with it. They feel out of place because they don't fit in and try to find the fault in themselves because everyone else seems to be "normal" while they are "weird" or "different".

I have been told by a few people that it my way of coping with emotional things is not normal, it takes a lot of time for me to overcome something that makes me sad, I always need to reflect on it very long, trying to find out what happened and why it happened and if there was a point when I could have changed the outcome. I always need a lot of time to overcome situations where I had a fight with someone or if I lose a friend. Heck, I lost the love of my life 14 years ago because I was so stupid to let him go and he was too stupid to forgive me and I still struggle with the "hows" and "whys". Same with meeting him again last year and everything that happened and I still don't understand why exactly he behaves the way he does. Most people tell me "he just does, why the hell do you need a reason for it...get over it and move on, not everything needs an explanation"

Guess what, for me it does or it is not finished and it is upsetting and disturbing my life because my emotions can't cope with it.

I am an HSP and I am trying to find the best way to live with it right now!

Would love to hear from you if and how you can relate.

Irene

P.S. for all my German Readers, here is the link to the first few Chapters of an interesting book I came across about HSP. It is called "Zart besaitet"...go here to find it.

Appreciation

via Pinterest

After reading a few posts I came across during the last week, about people debating the pro and cons of their lives paths and how everyone is responsible for their own life and has to set their own path I realized that I am pretty much struggling myself with who I am and where I am in my life right now.

I am now 36, I have two kids, I am renovating a house which I will then own later (right now it technically is still owned by my parents until the paperwork is done)...I have everything that people (as I have come to learn when reading those posts about societal expectations) expect someone my age to have. On top of that I have a Diploma in Business Economics. Everything should be as expected.

Unless it is not.

Societal expectations are that I should either be a happy stay-at-home mother who feels that being a housewife and mother (I once heard the term "family manager") is everything she ever wanted and her life is fulfilling and she wouldn't want to change a thing. With a husband who earns enough money so she can comfortably stay at home without any financial problems. Or I should be a mom who works part-time, handles everything perfectly, manages all the things at work, comes home, cleans the house, cooks dinner and falls asleep happy and content that everything worked out the way she wanted. Every.Single.Day.

To be honest, I'd love for it to be either way. Unfortunately it is not. Life rarely works out the way you want it, things go wrong, there are little twists and turns and all of a sudden you find yourself at a point you NEVER imagined yourself, thinking that you NEVER expected your life would ever turn out to be that bad.

Like (I think) John Lennon once said "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans" I have liked that quote all my life because it is so true. You can plan as much as you want, you can imagine your prince to come on a white horse, treat you like a princess, shower you with diamonds and life will be perfect forever and ever, and the last take everyone will see is you, sitting together on an iron bench, watching the sunset...well, life is not a freaking Disney Movie unfortunately.

What actually bothers me the most is that I get the feeling what I do (while doing very little compared to what people expect me to do) is not appreciated. That might just be a feeling, but I have heard it from a few other moms I know and even my mother told me she has heard my father say it a lot when she was home with me and my siblings.

"What exactly are you doing all day anyways?" or
"how I envy you, you can watch TV and drink coffee with your friends all day"

Being a housewife and mother is mostly not considered to be "work". Yes, women are appreciated and praised for having children, for surviving 9 months of pregnancy, complete with nausea, heartburn, swollen feet and gaining an enormous amount of weight and for going through the pain of labor. But afterwards, life is all peachy and happy and having a baby is all kinds of fun and cuteness.

Except...it is not!

My kids are 5 and 8, I am fortunately past the phase of sleepless nights, crying babies, breastfeeding and changing poopy diapers. But as they always say "small kids, small problems...bigger kids, bigger problems" Now I have short nights with not enough sleep because I stay up late, trying to have some time for myself after the kids finally sleep around 9 pm, yelling and fighting, arguing about whether or not Cereal is considered a "healthy Dinner" and dirty bedrooms. I have to check every day that my daughter is doing her homework, I have to remind her to take a healthy lunch to school, I have to help my son clean his room, have to drive them to and from their friends, kiss bruises away, put band-aids on cuts and dry tears when one of them was mean to the other.

I am a negotiator
nurse
cleaning lady
maid
cook
drill instructor (sometimes)
chauffeur
teacher

and on top of that also
mother and wife

I should be earning a fortune, working 10 jobs, 24/7...365 days a year, no vacation time, unpaid overtime and weekends. I do not earn anything, except the love of my children, which is awesome but some days just not enough. And even if I know deep inside, not only my family but everyone around me probably appreciates what I do, it is not enough. I want to be told that I am appreciated, as in actually saying "thank you for doing laundry so I have a clean shirt for my important business meeting today" or "thanks mom for cooking my favourite dinner"

During those years when I was sick, had to have all those surgeries and was battling depression, getting up and doing what I was supposed to, trying to keep up with every day tasks was hard enough, back then appreciation was even more necessary than it is now. More often than not I had to force myself to do even the simplest things. And even now, being physically healthy and feeling a little more mentally stable there are days I don't feel like getting up. Those days would be much easier with a little more appreciation. My husband asked me a few days ago, a little astonished and with a hint of sarcasm in his voice "what do you want, do you want to be applauded for just getting out of bed?"

YES...as weird as it sounds!

Life is so much harder and feels so bleak and unfriendly when no one appreciates what you do...because why exactly are you still there if no one recognizes what you are doing?

Irene

via Pinterest

I am

There are so many things going on in my life right now that I feel totally lost and I often wonder who I am, who I have become and who I used to be. Recently I have been wondering if I have made the right decisions in the past. I am questioning and doubting the things I did and I am not sure if I can go on with my life the way it is and was the last years. I have been asking myself so many things over and over again and there are still a million questions that I haven't figured out yet.

As if that itself wasn't scary enough, it seems that I am surrounded by people who not only HAVE it all figured out but seem to have perfect lives, or at least they make you think they have, or even if they don't have perfect lives, they are way better at coping with their imperfect lives than I am.

Fortunately (well, that actually isn't the right way to put it, because no one is fortunate if they have to struggle, but I don't know how to put it any other way) there are also a few people I know that haven't figured it all out and am struggling too. Whenever I talk to them, I feel a bit better because I know I am not alone with feeling helpless and lost.

I have been thinking about writing a post about who I am right now, because my blogger friend San recently posted about it which made me think and then today I read her newest post and it hit a nerve even more. (you can read it here) It is exactly the way she puts it into words in the title of her post, the only one who has to be happy with my life, is ME. But what if I am not happy with it. That alone is a horrible thing. And what if everyone else around me doesn't understand why. Or they do understand why, but have a total different opinion about how I should go about changing it.

I just turned 36 on January 21st and until about 5 years ago I had a pretty good life. I wouldn't say it was perfect but it was close to the way I had it imagined to be. I had a husband and two kids, my daughter was 3 and my son 8 months old. My husband had a good job that payed well, I worked freelance and even though we had some struggles, like living kind of far away from family and having trouble finding friends and a social network, life was good. And then it happened, life changed, unexpected and in the worst possible way.

I have written posts about it before and I won't repeat it, but everything that happened led me to today and the fact that I am questioning my life and the decisions I made, even those before all that bullshit happened.

And then I question myself for questioning my life. Lots of bad things happened, but do I really have to let them define me?

Yes, even though I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, I was lucky it was a very early stage, so it could be treated.

Yes, my daughter had a hole in her heart and needed open-heart Surgery, but it went great and now she is cured.

Yes, I was diagnosed with Depression, but I was lucky and have found an awesome therapist (up until we moved, right now I am trying to find a new one) and I am also lucky that I have found some medication that helps and I have enough money to buy it (it might sound weird but I do know people that don't...)

I have been through all of that and even though it "didn't kill me, but made me stronger", it led to a point were:

- my husband and I barely talk to each other and if we do we mostly fight, me being sick and him
  being the one who had to take over all my tasks at home on top of work has led to him being
  stressed and bitter

- I feel insecure and overwhelmed if I have to make decisions on my own, I don't trust myself
  anymore

- I am tired all.the.time because my brain just won't shut up, even when I sleep. I read once that some
  therapists use sleep deprivation as a way to treat depression, because it is common that patients feel
  tired a lot due to the brain being active even during the night

- I worry a lot more about everything and anything, health, decisions, life, death, friends,
  family...you name it!

- I am not able to live in the NOW, I always try to figure out how my decision today could influence
  the future and in which way...constant worries about the future of my health have led to that I think

I want to go back to being happy and carefree, to live here and now, to be able to laugh even if I spill my coffee, break my favourite mug or am late for an important appointment, enjoy life and love my kids even if they annoy the hell out of me.

And there it is...the problem that I have...all that is not possible with the life I have right now. I could try to change my life, or I can try to live with the fact that sometimes your life changes and you have to adapt to it. Yes, I could do that...and I should. I should do something, anything, to change it. And I did, to some point. I did not change my life, I changed myself...I made myself happy for a short period of time...by meeting someone who made me happy again, who made me feel better, who made it possible to laugh even if I spilled my coffee while the kids were fighting next to me. But as always, life is never easy, and being able to actually BE together with that person is the most complicated thing I have to face right now.

Which leads to the question if following my heart, fighting for something almost impossible, that is complicated and even unrealistic to happen is worth it. Should I turn my life upside down, risking to hurt people, because I feel I can become the person that I wish to be...

What if I feel that I AM more me when I am living that other life instead of the life I live right now?

Irene

Differences

Every person on this Planet is different and every person on this Planet deals with stress or frustration or obstacles in his or her life differently. There are as many different reactions to a single problem as there are people involved and neither one is more right or wrong than the other. Unfortunately sometimes people tend to forget that and try to apply their way of reacting to others, meaning no harm but making everything worse by doing that.

I have learned this in the last couple of weeks by experience. I met my ex and we both realized there are potentially more feelings for each other than expected. So we had to deal with the situation, knowing that however we decided to go on with our relationship, it would have an impact on both our lives. While my initial reaction was that we just try to be friends, staying in contact through social media, messages and phone, his reaction was to play dead and disappear from my life. Which isn't very helpful for me because I miss him terribly but won't get any reaction whatsoever from him, no matter how hard I try. Eventually I have to accept that this is his way of coping with the situation. Maybe one day he will be able to get back in contact.

When my Grandmother died everyone in my family reacted different. While my mom started feverishly calling everyone she knows, all relatives and close friends and everyone who knew my grandmother, my aunt fell into some kind of organizing mode and started sorting out all the stuff my grandmother had, giving away everything that wasn't personal things, like pictures or books or clothes. My mom is a really emotional person and started crying when my aunt yelled at her. Which shows that my aunt is coping by being pretty angry and dishing out, which she did even more when my mother started being emotional. I pretty much curled up on the couch and cried as much as I felt was necessary at the beginning. I sometimes cry when I think about the last time I saw her, or when we had to pack her stuff and empty out her room at the retirement home she had lived at the last few years.

Whenever I am hurt, sad, frustrated or stressed I usually talk about it. I need to get it out of my head, I feel the urge to put my thoughts into words. I overdo it a lot of times (I blogged about it before, read the post here if you want), creating problems that were not there before I started looking at that tiny problem from a million different angles. Sometimes it frustrates me and everyone around me even more, but a lot of times it helps, at least for me. Getting a few other opinions from friends usually helps me getting my head straight. Sometimes it makes me realize that I have a totally different opinion, sometimes one of my friends, looking at it from a more distant point of view manages to put my thoughts into words far better than I would have been able to do it.

On top of that I love quotes or phrases or poems, those little sentences help me cope with whatever is happening, and music. Sometimes reading or listening to the lyrics of a song makes me realize that I am not the only one who has to deal with problems, pain, frustration, stress or heartache.

How do you cope with things if nothing is going as planned? Any tips on how to cope with stress? Or good ideas on how to relax?

Irene

Vermissen

In case you don't understand German and are wondering about the title of this post:

"Vermissen" means missing someone or something.

The "Duden", a German (spelling) Dictionary explains it as:
"sich mit Bedauern bewusst sein, dass jemand, etwas nicht mehr in der Nähe ist, nicht mehr zur Verfügung steht, und dies als persönlichen Mangel empfinden"

The English translation would be something along the lines of:
"realizing, with regret, that someone or something is not around/available anymore or can't be obtained anymore and that feels like a personal deficit"

Vermissen seems to be the keyword in my life right now. I am missing a million things and people right now. I also miss being happy, or content...I miss my old life and my old self and I miss the will to change something about it. It is not that I don't WANT to change anything, I hate feeling like this and I hate the way my life is miserable right now, it is just that I don't know HOW. I feel paralyzed by all those feelings inside of me, all those incidents that happen, the hits close to home that come almost on a weekly schedule. I haven't recovered from the one (or two, or three) that just happened and there is yet another one that throws me off. All this has been going on for more than four (!) years right now. It started with me being diagnosed with a pre-stage of cervical cancer which required surgery, followed by a uterus infection, followed by my daughters open-heart surgery, followed by depression, followed by a curettage (caused by another infection), followed by a surgery to get my appendix out and temporarily ended after my huge abdominal/plastic surgery in September 2013. After that things looked better for a while only to become bad again. As soon as there seems to be a positive outlook for the next few weeks or months, my life just goes "naaaw, did ya really think I would let you off the hook?? Think again, here is yet another disaster for you!"

The next few moths after that surgery went pretty good, at least compared to the hell that my life was before. No more physical problems, the scars healed well and I felt better. I liked the way I looked (I had gotten a liposuction and plastic surgery plus a medical necessary closure of the hernia I had developed after my pregnancies) and got my self-confidence back. I felt happier. There were a few weeks right after the surgery where I felt miserable because it still hurt and I couldn't leave the couch and had to rely on everyone to help me, but all in all I felt a lot better. I realized how much I had missed my old self, the way I looked and feeling confident and comfortable in my own body. My old clothes fit again and looking in the mirror was not horrible anymore.

In January 2014 I started going to the Gym to help strengthen my muscles, to become a bit fitter and to loose a few more pounds. I never would have thought I would like it, as I have never been a Gym-Person but as soon as I was not able to keep up with my twice-a-week schedule I missed my workout and was cranky if I couldn't go. I settled into a routine and felt good about it. And then we moved and moving kind of made me neglect it which is why just yesterday I went to a club here (part of the same franchise, so I don't have a sign-up fee and can keep my contract conditions) to sign up again. I hope I can work out anther routine to continue going twice a week

While my physical condition got better and better and I felt more and more comfortable, my mental health didn't follow through. I still had a lot of moody days, I still missed my old, quirky self and the "me" that was happy,silly, carefree and usually a 'spur-of-the-moment'-person. I had always loved to be spontaneous. I had always done things I just felt like doing, impulsive or not, silly or not, sometimes even though others had told me that it was a stupid idea. I somehow had lost the ability to do that, I now needed a million days notice in advance and didn't feel secure if I didn't have it all planned to the minute. I missed being a person who didn't need that. I hated myself for having anxiety attacks and sleepless nights if, god forbid, anything out of the ordinary had happened or was about to happen.

My husband told me he missed that person, too. He encouraged me to try and do things I loved doing, and told me I shouldn't be scared to ask if he could watch the kids while I go out with friends or to just decide that we go and do things. I shouldn't always apologize for wanting things, for asking about things or for just being the way I am. Unfortunately the one time I really felt the need to actually DO something I want, without asking anyone for their permission, was when I decided I wanted to go to Berlin to meet my ex-boyfriend. Somehow no one who had encouraged me to "be myself and do what I want" had meant it THAT way.

Looking back at it, it probably wasn't a good idea, because on top of all the problems and obstacles in my life right now, I also have to deal with missing him. And missing him is the main feeling in my life right now. There isn't a day in my life right now where I don't miss him. At first I missed him because I want to be with him, to spend my life with him. I came to relaize that this isn't an option right now. But I do miss talking to him, texting, calling, telling him how my day was, getting little "I am thinking about you" or "hope you feel better" messages. I just want to have him close to me, inside my smartphone, just a message away. I miss that! And in relation to that I have also lost contact to a good friend of mine, who was there for me during the last year and helped me when I was unsure about my feelings. I miss her because even though she didn't really understand what was going on between him and me but supported my decision nonetheless. She once told me that she would always be there for me, no matter what will happen, but that I should realise I could lose friends who do not understand my decisions. Unfortunately,, now she is one of those people she warned me about, one of those who do not understand why I still have to (emotionally) deal with the fact that I miss someone who obviously does not want to be in contact with me anymore. Her opinion on that matter is "geez, just look at his behaviour, he is a jerk and an ass, he clearly thinks different than you about your relationship. You can cry and miss him all you want for a week or two, but then just move the fuck on!"

All those hard and horrible things that have happened in the last years have caused me and my husband a lot of pain, a lot of heartache and a lot of misunderstandings. We are both exhausted, we both feel that the other one is just caring about himself, not caring about the other or us as a couple or team. I miss being able to talk to him about everything. I miss being able to just be myself around him because the person I am right now is a person that is constantly annoying him. I catch myself walking around on tip-toes as to not disturb him so we won't start fighting again, because we have just stopped fighting over something totally inane, sometimes only because one or the other felt the need to win for their own ego. I miss that I can just be myself without worrying about disturbing him.

On top of all that we moved back home in November (and just unpacked the last box), we started organizing the renovation of my parents house, this causing us to have to think about a million things at once. How to organize the de-cluttering of all the things my parents left inside the house, what to do ourselves and what not, how to schedule one thing after the other. We have to meet with builders, plumbers, roofers, contractor, our architect almost on a daily basis. Plus the kids who need us, my oldest who needs a decent lunch and help with her homework every day between 1 and 3 pm and the younger brother who wants to play with me when he is home. There is just no time in between all of the to relax, or to just go out as a couple, for dinner or a movie or just anything WITHOUT the kids or work or things on the to-do-list on our minds. I miss being able to do stuff just as adults.

Last Saturday was my daughters birthday party. She wanted her friends to come over at 6pm for dinner and a movie and those who wanted to could stay for a sleep-over. 5 minutes before the guests arrived my husband pulled up outside to park, just in time back from shopping with the ingredients for dinner (homemade pizza) and some drunk lady crashed into our car. She obviously didn't see that he had not pulled up all the way into the parking spot but was still out on the street with the back of the car and she hit the car on the back right side. Needless to say we had to call the police and my husband had the see a doc for back pain on monday. I would have totally loved to miss out on something like that happening!! I don't need anything that adds to the stress we already have!

Yesterday was the peak of the horrible month that this January has been. The year 2015 hasn't even really started and my heart has already been broken, our car crashed and then yesterday my grandmother died totally unexpected. The nurses at the retirement home told my aunt when she called to check on my grandmother in the morning that they had just called the doctor because she couldn't breathe well, she had water in her lungs and it didn't look good. They decided not to take her to the ER and hoped she would recover. She fell asleep early afternoon and never woke up again. She died around 6pm in her sleep.

I will miss her terribly. The last time I saw her was on her birthday on December 26th last year. She turned 91 and was in a wonderful mood that day. She was awake and alert and happy, chatting and enjoying her birthday. She lived in Hannover, about an hour drive from my hometown. We promised to visit her as soon as the weather is better to take her for a walk in the park in her wheelchair, together with both our kids. We told them tonight and they took it pretty good, my daughter sounded sad when she talked about it but my son said: "Mom, I am not sad because we can still always visit her and talk to her on her grave." My husband replied that we can't talk to her and play with her though and he he said "sure we can talk to her and we couldn't really play with her anyways, because she was old and in a wheelchair, but we can still always visit her." He is 5 and I wish I could see it the same way he does.

Missing people sucks, no matter if you miss someone you love, someone who left you, someone who died or missing a part of yourself that disappeared because of the circumstances in your life!

Irene

Struggling

These days, every day is a constant battle. I am fighting with my husband, I am fighting with my kids, I am fighting with myself, some days I am fighting the urge to just run away and leave everything behind. I struggle to get out of bed and after getting the kids ready and driving them to school and kindergarten, I struggle to not just go back to bed. I know if I would do that it would start a downward spiral of sleeping, crying, feeling miserable and more sleeping. And it would mean I am at the beginning of yet another depressive phase, which is something I don't want to happen.

To be honest, I am probably already at the beginning of one of those phases, despite the fact that I am taking my pills like a good girl and trying to think positive thoughts as much as possible. But I am fighting against that because going back to bed and sleeping those few hours between 9 am and 12.30 pm that my daughter is at school would mean I am hiding from the world and my problems instead of facing them, which I should do and still have to learn again. But when I sleep I am not sad, when I sleep I am not crying, not thinking about my problems and not missing people that I can not be with right now. And I do miss him, every single f**king day. Even more when I feel miserable because life is throwing me a curve ball that I did not expect. Only a few weeks ago I could just send him a message when I felt like that and would get a sweet reply and some positive words, a virtual kiss or hug and it would just make every miserable day so much better!

Life is tough, it always is, especially with young children, but right now it is a lot tougher than it should be and way to tough for me to handle. I have a million little things I should be doing and by the end of the day I don't have one less because I finished one, I usually have three more. And I can't even bring myself to prioritize them or make a list, heck I can't even make myself start with the least important or least exhausting one. My husband gets things done and drags me along to do them. He makes appointments for things that need to be done, he sends invitations via email so I have them on the calender in my smartphone. And even then I keep forgetting them, even though I constantly have my phone with me.

We moved back to my hometown in November and have just now finished unpacking all the things in our apartment, I think we only have like 2 boxes left (from about 75 I guess). We are planning on renovating my parents house so we can live there once we are done. That requires a lot of work, at least 9 months the lady we hired to be our architect said. Appointments with builders need to be made, we have to get quotes from different companies for all the things that need to be done, it is overwhelming as it is and my head is already full with other things. Add my kids and their constant nagging and fighting, homework and playdates and I am dead tired even before I get out of bed, which always feels way too early and even though I usually sleep well, it feels like I only slept two hours, if any at all. And I don't even have a job to add to that tiredness (fortunately I can say!)

I am tired, tired of feeling miserable, and tired of feeling overwhelmed and tired of being tired. I hate struggling and I hate that it is affecting my kids and my marriage and our every-day life.

Irene

Love of my Life

Well, this post will definitely not be an easy one to write but I guess I need to get this written down to somehow get it out of my system.

Back in 1998, when I was 19 years old, had just finished High School and was about 3 1/2 months away from spending a year abroad in the USA as an Au Pair I met someone, a guy, who was about to turn into the love of my life and would haunt me until today and probably will until I die. I hadn't planned on meeting anyone right before leaving the country for at least 12 months, but somehow it did happen and it changed my whole life. We met through a friend of mine, who was dating a friend of him, or more like a colleague (they were both in the German Airforce back then). One night me and my friend went to our favorite club, she wanted to meet her boyfriend and he had his friend with him. They both had somehow decided they want us to "date" because we were both single so we decided he would invite me for a drink and we would talk a little. In the end we really did like each other and wanted to meet again the next day...and the day after...and the day after that.

To cut a long story short, we fell in love almost immediately and spent as much time as possible together the next months before my departure. A few days before I left he gave me a ring and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and as soon as I came back after my year abroad, he wanted to get married. I was on Cloud 9 and couldn't believe there was this awesome and cute guy who loved me for who I am and wanted to be with me forever.

In the end it didn't work out the way we had planned it, somehow over the course of the year I spent abroad, I realized I didn't want to get married right away, I had just turned 20, I wanted to have some more fun while being young, I didn't want to end up being a military wife that would have to move every other year and spent weeks or months apart from her husband. His vision of our life together seemed to be that we get married,have kids,a house and a dog and he had a safe job with the Airforce for at least another 10 years. I panicked...and told him I didn't think I can do it.

Looking back on the whole situation now, I broke his heart...or I guess it was more breaking it, ripping it out of his chest, wrapping barbed wire around it and stepping on it a few times. He had waited for me for 10 months and about 6 weeks before I was due to be back to spend the rest of our lives together I told him I couldn't see "us" being together in the future. I was too young to realize that this short moment of panic was OK and didn't mean that I had to end it all together like I did. It only took me a few weeks though to realize that it had been a mistake and so I begged him to give "us" another chance. He was too hurt and didn't want to give us another chance. From then on we somehow couldn't let go of each other. I begged him to come back, he came back for a few days but as soon as it got too close to being a relationship again he left. He broke my heart over and over again because he came and left and came and left and wouldn't commit to being my boyfriend or fiancee again. I cried, I partied, I got drunk almost every night, I took home each and every single guy who would come with me...just so I could forget him. I almost ruined my life back then. It took 1 1/2 years of begging and crying and wanting him back before I finally gave up. One day, after another night he had spent at my place and another heated argument about the fact that I wanted to try it again, but he said I didn't deserve another chance and that he had met someone else, he left and I didn't see him again for eight whole years.

I met someone else, we are now married and have two kids, he stayed with the girl he had told me about, married her and they have a son. We briefly met in 2009, right after my son was born. I had found him through some website where you can search for old classmates or friends. He had just finished a Seminar in Hannover and I was there too after visiting my parents. As my daughter was 3 years old and my son about 6 months I had to bring them,so we met at a playground I remembered, around the corner from one of my old apartments. We talked, we laughed, we shared a few thoughts about how our relationship had ended, we realized we still liked each other and in the end I was sad that we hadn't kept in contact for so many years, because I noticed I still really liked him. We promised to do better in the future, but somehow realized that not keeping in contact seemed to be the best thing to do, knowing about our feelings.

About 4 months ago, another 5 years later, I send him a message through Whats App. I hadn't known that he still owned his old mobile number, but thanks to my new smartphone, after installing the App about two years ago and searching my contacts his had somehow popped up. I had contacted him before when I was in Berlin (where he now lives) to visit my sister to ask if we could meet for a coffee but he wasn't in town. Other than that we sporadically sent each other Happy Birthday or Happy New Year Messages. This time was different though.

Following that day back in 2001 when he left and we lost contact I had never told him about how I had felt and what I had done those months when he wouldn't commit to being my boyfriend again, when he hurt me by leaving after a few happy days together. The nights I was drunk and crying my eyes out, the days spent in bed crying, the guys I took home...he didn't know how he had almost ruined me and my life. He didn't know that all this might have influenced my health, that it might have been a reason for me becoming sick in 2010 and all those things that followed like me becoming depressed. He couldn't know because I hadn't talked to him for 5 years.

I had talked about all of it during my therapy and somehow gotten to the point where I wanted to tell him, to get it off my chest, to make a clean cut with my past. So I told him about it in my message, not really knowing what to expect really. I got a message back that read "Hey Sweetheart, maybe we should meet and talk about it"...in the following weeks and months we wrote messages and talked on the phone. And just like a few years ago we realized there are still those feelings we have for each other. We both didn't know what to do and how to handle the situation.

To be honest, both of our marriages are not the happiest ones, we both realized we are not happy with our lives right now and talking to each other made it so much better. We both in an instant said "gosh it is so awesome to hear your voice, I missed that so much" We spend our days sending messages to each other, we talked about how we might be able to be together again some day and decided we should meet to talk in person and see if the feelings we had when talking and chatting are also there in real life.

As I don't have a job right now and he is working as a construction worker I decided that I would go and see him in Berlin, spend the day with him and stay at my sisters place over night. I was excited to see him again and it was the same with him, we counted down the hours and I could barely sleep the night before (which I had spent at a friends place after going to a concert with her in the evening). We decided to meet at a Starbucks in Downtown Berlin and as soon as we saw each other we "clicked" and it felt like no time had passed, let alone 13 years since we broke up and 5 since we had talked. It was wonderful, awesome, exciting, I had butterflies and couldn't stop smiling. Hugging him, talking to him, touching him...I had this overwhelming feeling of "being home" while being with him. It scared the shit out of me because it made me question my marriage, but I was way too happy to care that day. I can't really speak for him here, but it looked and sounded and felt like he was feeling the same. We spend all day together, but at some point he told me that he realized the more time he spends with me, the less he wants to go back home and for him ending his marriage to be with me and in the process probably losing his son (or the ability to see him whenever he wants) plus fighting his wife through a divorce is not an option. He grew up with divorced parents, his wife has an older son who grew up with them and spend parts of his life away from his father after they moved to Berlin a few years ago and he didn't want his son to experience the same heartache. He may not be happy with his marriage anymore but somehow him and his wife have arranged themselves with the way they live and he said he "got used" to it being that way. Being with me would mean chaos, would mean a hard battle and lots of heartache.

He left me sitting there, almost crying and hurt, not knowing what to say or do. I begged him to stay and asked him if we could meet again the next day but again he said he can't spend any more time with me because he feels he would not want to leave me and go back home but that is just not possible. He told me how sad it makes him that he has to choose between staying and leaving and how much it hurts to see me like that but his son is his everything and he doesn't know how to handle the situation better than going back to his life until maybe one day the timing is right for us. He said that he would call me a few days later, but never did.

I went back home 2 days later unhappy, crying and still hurt. I realized that I had imagined it to be easier to just get up and leave my family to be with someone else (which wasn't that easy I realized because despite having so many new/old feelings for him, I still had a lot of feelings for my husband) but somehow my trip to Berlin made me realize I had to change the situation between me and my husband to make our every day life together better. The last few years of constant worrying about my health, our daughters health, surgeries, depression and more had been hard and we were barely talking to each other. We were fighting, yelling and lacking respect for each other, he was rude and loud and constantly annoyed by me and the kids.

So I told him about my feelings and that things had to change or I didn't know if I wanted to go on being married to him. He blamed me for everything, told me I had actively ruined our marriage by going to Berlin, that he had done everything he could for me the last years and in the end packed his bags and moved out for a week so we could spend some time apart to think about it. That broke my heart, on top of it being broken by my ex-boyfriend already who had not kept in contact like he had said. Things seemed to go downhill, getting worse every day and all I wanted to do was cry, feel miserable and curl up in bed and sleep, exactly the way I had done it back when my ex had broken my heart before. But I have kids, I am responsible for them, I have an apartment to keep clean, we had just moved and boxes needed to be unpacked, there is laundry, breakfast, lunch, dinner, homework with my daughter and kids that shouldn't see their mother cry all day...FUCK, it seemed impossible to do..oh and lets not forget, Christmas was only three weeks away!

I haven't heard more than a few sentences via Whats App from him. He told me I was insane to "throw away" my family, that I shouldn't have been too honest about my feelings and that he doesn't want to talk or think about the feelings between us. He stopped talking to me afterwards but kept reading the messages I sent him until the end of last year. Since then I have send one or two more but stopped because it hurt too much. I don't know why he doesn't want to be in contact anymore, all I am asking for is that he explains it to me. I miss him terribly and not knowing WHY he is behaving like this is killing me.

I have talked to some of my friends and got mixed opinions, some say he is the biggest asshole ever and he just played with me and my feelings. That I was just a pastime for him, when he was bored at work, or that I was someone to boost his ego. That all the things he wrote and told me, that he thinks about me all the time, that he wants to be with me and make me happy...all that was fake. Others say that he probably already gave me an explanation by telling me he can't spend any more time with me because it would mean risking his marriage. I don't really know what to believe, whatever it is, not hearing from him is not making it any easier!

Irene

Gym

I have to admit I never really liked to do sports. Last time I actively played a sport was as a child when my parents made me do something because I guess they thought it would help me with my self-esteem and also to lose some weight because I was a little overweight as a teenager. I started playing Volleyball but didn't like it and then tried playing Handball but equally didn't like it and stopped playing, if I remember it wasn't even a year in both sports.

During my year abroad after I finished High School I gained a few kilos, if I remember it right I was around 8 kilos heavier when I came back. Luckily (or not) I lost them pretty fast due to not eating and living only off of Cola and Chocolate due to severe heart-ache after breaking up with my boyfriend. Afterwards my weight was up and down depending on how much I had to do for university, some days I basically just forgot to eat because I had to write a paper. But I never really went to a gym to do sports, even though I struggled with my weight and I was out of breath from running a few meters when I had to catch a train or something.

When I met my husband he was almost underweight, tall and skinny and weighting less then myself (really frustrating). To lose some weight and to become a little fitter I tried to go jogging with him but failed miserably because "jogging" for me was more of a "fast walking" and jogging for him was running. So we stopped after two times and I tried it by myself but that was utterly boring in my eyes. So I stopped doing sports all together.

After my pregnancies I had a problem with my abdominal muscles, they were out of shape and I developed a hernia. So doing sports was totally out of the question. I had gained weight during both pregnancies and weighted about 8 kilos more than before becoming pregnant with my first child. I was miserable because I hated looking at my belly and couldn't do anything about it. So in the end I decided to get surgery done to feel like myself again (on top of doing it for medical reasons). But my husband made me promise that I stay in shape afterwards. So as soon as my doc gave me the go I went to the Gym. I loved my new body and shape and I wanted to keep it.

So I started with the beginning of this year and to be hinest, not only my husband was sceptic that I would keep it up but I didn't really think either that I would follow through with it. One of the reasons I never got a membership at a gym was that I thought I would waste my money on a membership and would never go there. So I got a contract that can be cancelled on a monthly base, not a yearly one, despite having to pay a bit more each month.

I admit the first few weeks were hard, I tried to keep it up to go twice a week just like my trainer told me. My muscles were sore and my mood was bad some days becasue I was just exhausted. But it payed off because my gym offers check-ups every 6-8 weeks to see if there is any progress and I have lost a few centimeters around my thighs and my waist and I feel a lot fitter.

I am sooo proud of myself and I even managed to asked my trainer to call a gym in my hometown (it is a franchise) to check if I can switch without a problem after we move (yes, we are moving back to my hometown in a few weeks). That way I am kinda forced to show up there and can not find a million little excuses why I can't go on working out. Now I only have to change a few of my eating habits (Nutella for breakfast, sugar for my coffee, skipping lunch) to lose a bit of weight.

Here is a pic...have to say I LOVE my silhouette!!

Irene

Kickstarter

I am sure a lot of people using the Internet and especially social media platforms have heard of Kickstarter. I actually can't really remember how I came across it, but one day I heard about a Kickstarter Campaign by Zach Braff. To be honest I only know him from Scrubs and haven't really watched any other movies he is in, not even the famous "Garden State", but I plan on doing that soon. His Kickstarter Campaign was for a new movie he wanted to make, together with his brother Adam.

I thought about it for a few days, always checking back on Kickstarter if the financial goal set for the movie would be reached and decided I would chip in some of my hard earned money to fund it. I did expect that there would be some feedback about the movie, but was blown away by how many emails I recieved from Zach and how they set up a website with exclusive Backer Log-In.All those little films they made backstage, all those messages addressed to us, the Backers, those who made it possible. It made me feel special and I could feel how thankful Zach was that we helped with his dream of making that movie.

Anyways, the movie is out in the US and Canada for a while now and I can't wait for it to be out in Europe, too. Check out this exclusive trailer that was send to the backers to share. DAMN I am proud there is some of my money in it,too!!

Irene

#Spoonie

When you live with an invisible illness like Depression it is hard to explain to anyone how it is affecting your life on a daily basis. I have tried oh-so-many times to explain it to my husband, who knows me better that anyone else, why it is difficult for me to go grocery shopping on a regular saturday or why I would rather have him call the health insurance company to ask about something concerning myself because I don't feel like discussing it with them and then maybe starting to cry because it is so difficult for me to put into words how I feel. Just yesterday my mom, who had been on vacation for the last three weeks and therefore missed most of my latest "down phase", asked me why and how it started again after I felt good and only occasionally had a bad day for the last 6 months.

There are a few reasons for the "why it came back" and I tried to explain it to her and until we unfortunately had to end the call apruptly because she had to leave for an appointment, she was asking me a zillion questions and for the first time since this all started I had the feeling she really wants to know and is curious about how it has affected my life. I promised her I would write it down or we can continue the conversation on the phone later and I will tell her about something that I found on the Internet that does explain how it has affected and still affects my life.

I have come across The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. Christine has Lupus and during a conversation with a friend who asked her how living with her invisible illness affects her daily life developed that theory. When I was reading The Spoon Theory I thougth to myself that it is a good way to also explain how I feel. I fortunately don't have to live with constant pain on a daily basis but leading a normal life when you are some days too tired or even scared to leave the house or your energy runs out faster than usually is still difficult.

So if you are interested in reading, go check it out here

Irene

No-Go's

During the last few days I had to deal with a few more not-so-nice mood swings and a serious case of the blues, paired with crying and doubting myself over and over again...just another one of those down phases that had been gone for a while but after one incident (which I don't really want to discuss here) came back. Someone said something and that triggered a whole lot of emotions that upset me and the fact THAT I am so upset by them upsets me even more.

All of this has led to yet another discussion with my husband about my state of mind and my feelings and the fact that those feelings, along with mood swings and anxiety attacks came back unexpected have totally thrown him off and he basically is back to the beginning and unable to help me through it.

Fortunately, some days you come across things online, or by talking to someone, that perfectly fits the situation you are in or that strikes a chord, maybe an article you read or your friend mentioning something that helps you. I have come across a blog because one of my Facebook friends posted a link on their wall. It was a post (well more like two posts) about what or what not to say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness.

I have heard a lot of those phrases before and even though I understand (much like it is also said there) that people only want to help or maybe just want to say ANYTHING and don't know what to say. But most of the time good intentions turn out not to be so good after all.

So her you go, read the things not to say and  the things you should say to someone with a chronic or invisible illness (like depression happens to be).

Feedback is appreciated and I would also be happy about a few nice comments

Irene

Dreams

"LIfe is what happens while you are busy making other plans" - John Lennon

This is going to be hard, not only writing about it but actually realizing it and following through with it in a way that I can look back later and say "I did the right thing"

See, I have had this dream for the last 15 years. Ever since coming back from my Au Pair Year in the USA I dreamed of going back to live in the US, not necessarily forever and ever but at least for a few years. I spent lots of vacations there, in various places and always loved it. Two very good friends of mine moved to live there, one got married to an American here in Europe and moved there with him and one got send there by her company to work, found a guy she loved and stayed and I also have family living there. I've been jealous of them for quite a while, wishing I would have been so lucky to have the opportunity.

The most logical thing to do to make my dream come true eventually was taking part in the annual Green Card Lottery. The first time I did it was back in 2001 I think and I re-entered every year. The odds are like 20:1 or something and I have followed stories of people who won after only two years and some who tried 25 years. Every year I was disappointed but kept hoping I would win.

Then in 2009 my husband almost got the chance to sign a contract with a german Company who wanted to start a business in the US and needed a representative. It would have meant that I will go with him but will not be able to work (due to visa stuff) but as our son was only 6 months old anyways it didn't matter. Unfortunately it didn't work out the way it was planned and we didn't go.

In the end not going sucked but given the fact that I was diagnosed with an early stage of cervical cancer 10 months later it was a good thing we stayed here. Afterwards my life, or more the life of my whole family changed, and it changed a lot. I was sick constantly, in the hospital almost every 6 months, depressed and seeing a therapist. The last 3 1/2 years were hard. And those years have changed me and my focus in life. I don't have a job right now and I actually enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, which was something I always hated, I always said "I didn't study to get a Diploma to stay home and only care for my family". I don't need work right now to be happy and would hate it to constantly try to do the spilts to have enough time for work, kids, household, hubby and myself. My therapist said I shouldn't see myself as a stay-at-home mom, I should call it rehab time. And it will take as long as I need it!

But back to this thing that has happened and that is making me upset. I found out yesterday that I have won the Green Card Lottery this time. Last year I actually didn't intend to take part, I was recovering from my last surgery and I did see the Emails and the letter I got from the Company that handled the process and I let the chances to enter pass one by one. Deadline is usually by the end of October and as I had taken part for the last, I think 12 years they called me a few days before the deadline and asked if I wanted to take part this year. Somehow the guy on the phone talked me into trying again, while I had actually already decided to stop following that dream because I couldn't imagine living so far away from my family anymore because I didn't feel mentally stable enough.

My first reaction should have been "YAY OMG THAT IS AWESOME" but it wasn't, it was more like "DAMN, not right now, why did I take part, can we please postpone it until 2025" I tried to be happy, I wished for at least a tiny bit of excitement...nothing. I almost had a panic attack and wanted to crawl in my bed and cry. I called my best friend and told her and she asked "what should we do now? Be happy or not?" and I didn't know.

To be honest, it sucks. And I cried a lot, I will cry even more over the next few days I am sure. And then I will say goodbye to my dream and let it go. The timing sucks and following through with it will give me more heartache than letting it go, at least that's what I am telling myself right now. My (mental) health is far more important than living 6000 miles away from home because if I am sick it is even harder for friends and family to visit and help. But it gives me this weird feeling of giving up and giving in to those damn voices in my head that are telling me I can't do it.

Burying a dream that is about to come true hurts bad, really fucking bad!!!

Irene

Depression

Yes, you read the right, Depression...it is not only a very mean word, it is also a very mean state of mind one can be in. Being depressed is the worst thing in the whole wide world. And what is even worse, you can't really control it.

It usually starts in your head, a tiny thought pops up in your brain, maybe someone said something, you read something or something caught your attention otherwise which leads to a memory, that leads to another and all of a sudden you remember this really really bad time in your life and it starts a cascade of thoughts that you can not escape.

Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic...you have sworn not to touch alcohol and you avoid it as much as you can, or you have been gambling and lost a lot of money, so you decided not to do it anymore (and avoid going to Vegas on your vacation). No matter what happened, I am sure it is hard not to drink or gamble, but it is possible to avoid those things, e.g. by not spending time in a bar or in Vegas. But how can you escape the thoughts in your head, how can you make sure everyone around you avoids using words or sentences that trigger negative emotions or memories? You can't, and that is making it really hard to overcome a depression. Even though there might be a time in your life when the negative thoughts are kept at bay, be it because life is treating you good or because you are taking medication or maybe you have found a solution to the problem that was causig the negative thoughts, a state of mind in which you feel helpless and lost, sad and overwhelmed with even the tiniest obstacles can always happen again and it will creep up on you in no time.

I have been depressed and it was a horrible time in my life, I barely made it out of bed, I hardly had any appetite and thinking about food made it even worse, I was scared to leave the house, I couldn't do stuff on my own, I started crying out of nowhere and I wasn't able to take care of my kids. I felt guilty for feeling that way, I felt guilty for skipping dinner with them and it took all of my strength and energy to not cry in front of them and to smile when they told me something that made them happy. I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't be happy for my kids and even the slightest argument between them annoyed me to a point where I started yelling because I was so stressed by my own problems.

I have a more than awesome husband and some awesome friends who helped me through that time, I also had a very nice and empathic therapist. I know I have come a long way, I had been in therapy for almost 18 months (with depresson slowly starting even before I started therapy and other health problems I was sick for three years) by the time me and my therapist decided I had recovered enough so I could stop seeing her. That was last October and I have felt extremly good ever since then. Things that seemed unbearable 6 months prior to that date didn't bother me anymore, I could leave the house by myself and even went to some concerts on my own without any negative "I can't do that" feelings beforehand. I took care of my kids and even when my husband ahd to be away overnight for business it was fine.

Well, all of that up until about two weeks ago when I went to see this lady who is my supervisor at the local job center. As I am unemployed right now, due to being sick for such a long time, I need to meet with a supervisor around once every two months. The first time at the beginning of the year I had a very nice guy as a supervisor who completely understood my situation of being a mother and housewife and the fact that I don't really want a job right now as I still feel I need to recover from being sick for the last three years. But somehow the job center reorganized the responsibilities and I got a new supervisor. Now this lady lacks empathy and somehow felt she needed to tell me that I am obligated to apply for as many jobs as possible otherwise they will stop paying unemployment money. She is putting a lot of pressure on me and my still fragile mind which triggered this horrible feeling of being overwhelmed with even the smallest things. She is making me take a course in economics (which I studied ages ago) to "stay fit in the basics" which means I have to drive 45 minutes downtown every day to spend half a day in a classroom with people I don't know, doing stuff I don't want to do. And even though I know it is not the end of the world and most people would say "so what, suck it up and deal with it", for me it's not easy. Pressure is making me nervous and unstable and insecure. And the fact that some lady who doesn't know shit about me thinks she can put that pressure on me is bothering me.

A friend of mine, and my husband too, said I could just see my doc and ask him to write a note saying I am too sick (or not stable enough) to take that course but somehow for me that is cheating. Yes, I feel horrible and the thought of being forced to be there is making me uncomfortable. But I can't avoid anything that is making me cringe forever. At some point I will have to apply for jobs and I will have to sit through uncomfortable situations again. I have always been a fighter, up to the point that I wouldn't let anyone know how bad I was feeling and just sucking it up. I learned the hard way by crashing hard and hitting rock bottom, that no one can be happy and perfect and give 100% all the time and having a bad day, or week or month doesn't make you a bad person or failure. For me admitting and accepting that I am about to hit bottom again after being fine for 6 months is the hardest thing to do and getting this note from my doc would mean that I am not 100% over it but still in the "recovering" phase.

Following through with this course and the obligations is making me uncomfortable because I feel I still need time to be 100% myself again and to be able to really give 100% in whatever job I want to do. I need the freedom to apply for a job on my own terms and conditions to feel good. I can avoid all this by "officially" stating I am still not 100% myself and seeing my doc, but somehow "knowing" that inside of me and therefore living my life the way it is making me feel good and happy right now until I fell better and "officially" telling the world that I still need more time is a difference.

Does that make any sense??

Irene

M.I.A

Missing in Action for three months again, somehow I can't make myself write on a regular basis because I know that almost no one is reading this anyways.

Wish I had some lovely readers to kick my butt once in a while.

Might have to do some shameless self-promoting. Or maybe I am just not meant to be a Blogger.

*sigh*

Irene

P.S. if you are reading this, why don't you leave a comment...yes you, dear reader who accidentally stumbled across my blog...I'd love to hear from you!

Cakes and more

Warning: lots of pics to follow* (and I am not responsible if you are hungry afterwards)

With Christmas approaching fast (and as always totally unexpected) I started my annual tradition of baking a ton of christmas cookies again. This year it all started on Nov. 20th, because it was a national holiday and the kids were home from school and kindergarten all day. So we invited friends over and baked the first sugar cookies (two moms and four kids aged 1 1/2 to 6 - glad the mess wasn't that bad).The last few days we continued baking with the kids and now have a few tin boxes full of yummy cookies and brownies.

While baking and later sharing pics online I remembered that I always wanted to write a blog post showing off my creations. I wouldn't say I am a pro, more like far from pro, because I can't really practise and have no professional background (and if I practised more someone would have to eat a lot of cake). Also unfortunately in Germany it is not possible to open up a business selling Cakes, Cookies and more from home if you are not a "Konditor" or "Bäcker" which means a licensed baker, which also means you had at least a three year training and went to school. I would totally love to open a small shop or cafe and sell baked stuff...but that's a different story.

When I started writing this blog I wrote a post about how I started to get into baking, you can read it here. It also shows a few pics of the things I baked back then (which will show up here again probably).
Let me show you some of the things I have baked during the last years, I hope that the will show my progress and that I did get a bit better and practised. Feedback will therefore be greatly appreciated.

Birthday Cakes for my daughter when she turned 4, she wanted a Barbie- and a Horsecake (like I already showed in the other post, I was so damn proud of the horse - mad out of fondant so it is edible just like the fence and grass, it took me one whole evening). The Barbie skirt is also fondant.

Cherry Cake with Marzipan, I made it for my own birthday brunch

 

Like seen it the other post, 50th birthday cake for our former neighbour, also the detailed fondant flowers on the side

Triple Chocolate Muffins and Pineapple Cake, these are also shown in details in the other post

  

Barbie Cake for my daughters friends birthday, everything edible except Barbie herself
 

Baby Shower Cake I made for a friend of a friend

 Rainbow Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting and Sprinkles, I made this for one of our New Years Eve Parties

 My daughters 5th Birthday Party Theme was Ballerinas, so I baked a Ballerina Cake and Ballerina Cookies to also take home for her friends

 Cinnamon Rolls with Glaze as a sunday treat

Christmas Cookies (Caramel Shortbread, Chocolate Chip and Vanilla Stars)

 Birthday Cakes for my Sons Birthday

 

Birthday Cake for my husband when he turned 30, he loves to Barbeque (all edible, the Steak and sausages are chocolate cake, the corn is a marshmallow with fondant)

Butterfly Cupcakes

 Vanilla Cupcakes with Cream Cheese topping and Strawberry Sauce

 Yet another Barbie Cake for a friends daughter

 Double Chocolate Cupcakes with cherry whipped cream, chocolate glaze and fresh cherry on top

Cookies with Strawberry and Lemon curd, a Blueberry-Lemon Cake and a Tiramisu Cake. I made these for a Birthday Party where we celebrated my Dads and Sisters birthday, they are born only two days apart. 

 30 Seconds to Mars Cookies

 homemade Samoas (Girl Scout Cookies)

 Chocolate Cupcakes with white chocolate Cream and chocolate covered Coffee beans

 This one is my favourite and most awesome cake and I am so damn proud of myself. My friends daughter wanted a Zoo Cake and she loves monkeys. Everything is edible. Making the monkey took me like 3 days I think.

 

Cakes for my daughter when she started school, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and nuts, dark chocoalte cake covered in white chocolate whipped cream and the other one is lemon cake with pink lemon mousse.  

Hope you enjoyed my creations!

Irene